Online Dating: The Good, The Bad, and The Unfortunate Ugly

On By Jenni C.In dating, Life, men, Moving, single girlLeave a comment

THE GOOD

New age dating: Online Dating.  I love the concept. It is my lazy girl’s guide to meeting new men. I can meet a ton of potential male suitors at one time. All without putting on my cutest outfit, spending a countless amount of time on my hair and make up, and minus the worry about how long my feet will last before my gorgeous heels absolutely start to make my feet scream in agony. My single girl Saturday night guilty pleasure is sitting at my computer (probably looking like an absolute bum), and searching for men online who may have the attributes of a potential love interest.

Pick a site any site. Really there are a ton of online dating sites, and you don’t have to use just one. If you have the time and desire your profile can be on as many sites as you like at one time. From the free dating websites, to those that will cost you some money, there will always be someone who you can meet and, someone who wants to meet you. Between myself, and my friends, I think we have covered most of the main sites for meeting a special someone.  Most popular are Match, eHarmony, and Chemistry.com, but those will cost you. If you don’t mind paying a little to possibly find love, then go for it.

Now if you want to save your money because you figure “why do I have to pay to meet someone when I can meet them for free?”, then try Plenty of fish, or OK Cupid. Just remember those sites are free, and the people may not be as serious about finding someone special. They could have signed up just to browse or find a quick free hook up. So as always with any online dating experience, please be smart and use extreme caution.

The island of Oahu has an extremely small population when you compare it to a city like New York. So online dating may not be an absolute necessity on the island. Honestly if you are a social butterfly, and travel around to different parts of the island you just might meet everyone at least once. So the same person that you sent a wink to on match, just might be the same hottie that was standing next to you at the bar last Friday night.

I like meeting guys online because the sense of rejection is not so apparent. No one likes the feeling of rejection (and truthfully girls hate it more than guys do). In online dating terms if I send a wink, a heart, a smile, or whatever you can send, and if I actually write a message to someone and he doesn’t respond, then I don’t take it to heart or feel defeated because I probably sent 10 other messages that night and I received a response from one or more of them. I must admit I am somewhat of a passive online dater. I usually let men find me and make the first contact. I would do the same if I in any other social situation. However, if I am really impressed by his picture (that counts!), or his profile, then I will send the first message, maybe he just hasn’t had the chance to notice me yet! If he responds great, if not; oh well then its on to the next one.

I have been doing this online dating thing for a while now. I hope to meet “Mr. Right” so I can have my own personal eHarmony commercial expressing how happy in love we are with each other. I will admit I met my ex online. That was at the time when Black Voices was free on AOL and not paired with Match, (I was a broke college student at the time). And although we didn’t have a whirlwind romance, with the commercialized “happily ever after”, it was a real relationship that lasted nearly three years. I can’t blame meeting him on my computer as the detriment of our relationship. He would have had the same emotional immature, true to form jerk personality whether I met him at school, in a club, or while sitting in front of my computer screen.

So if you have fears about online dating, don’t. Be smart, trust your instincts, and use your best judgment. Remember to make your first meeting at a very public place. If you can, try to have at least one actual phone conversation before going out to meet in real life. Texting and emails are nice, but you can save yourself time and trouble if you notice immediately that you have nothing to talk about due to long, uncomfortable periods of dead silence while you are on the phone.

The Bad

On the internet anyone can be whoever and whatever they want. Be careful about trusting people because you are so amused by the countless emails, and mesmerized by the nightly phone conversations. I say have a face to face meeting as soon as possible so you can check out body language, affect, and get somewhat complete sense of who the actual person is. You may fall quickly in love with the idea of who you think a person is and not the actual person.

If you have a first and last name, don’t be afraid to do a google search. At least if anything comes up you have information that may ease your mind, or make you run for the hills fast.

Internet dating can also be a frustrating experience. You will get a large amount of messages and request from people who you have no possible interest in. You can check the profile, if you don’t like what you see, move on. If this person continues to send you unwanted messages, I recommended blocking them to avoid contact.

If you are paying for these a site and not meeting anyone who is relationship worthy, then you might start to feel like you are wasting your money. Make a decision about how much money you are willing to spend to meet a potential mate, and how long you are willing to try it out for. I say give it a few months, that way you can get a clear sense of if this site is for you or not.

You need to be an active participant, even when dating online. You have a better chance of meeting someone if you respond quickly to messages, and write an engaging profile statement. This is your chance to make a first impression, put your best foot forward.

The Unfortunate Ugly

Not everyone you meet online will be who you originally thought they were. People are going to be people. Some people lie and deceive others for fun. So if physical attraction is what sparked your interest, then be aware that person may or may not look like that in real life. The picture could be ten years old, or someone could have had major physical changes since the date of that profile picture. So just be ready for anything when meeting someone.

Make your first encounter at someplace safe. I like Starbucks, Chilli’s, or Dave and Busters, during mid day. That way it is not a romantic date like atmosphere, and if I need to bolt I can make up a good middle of the afternoon excuse.

Remember, the terms slim, athletic build, average, curvy, and a few extra pounds are all relative. You are what you want to be. Again, be prepared for any and everything!

You could be stood up at times. Maybe the person you were to meet got cold feet or was a complete flake. Don’t get yourself down about it. You really didn’t know that person anyway, and it is probably better that they are not in your life. Just move on. Call your friends, and let yourself enjoy the rest of the day.

Online dating is a good experience some days, and a crazy out of this world experience on other days. I defiantly have amazingly bad comedic stories that I will write about in future blogs, so stay tuned. However, it does give me an active social life, and great conversations when I am out with my friends. So if you haven’t tried it, give it a try. Surprisingly you just might meet “the one” at home on a Saturday night, while you are in your pajamas sitting in front of your computer screen.

Miss Independent: Gift or Curse?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Goals, Life, men, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, single girl3 Comments

This is a topic that is commonly addressed in public forums, on TV shows, posted on blogs, and random chit chat at the local coffee shop. Recently due to  life and a request I will also touch on this topic. Trust me it is a topic that will never have enough to be said about it.


Are some men intimidated by successful women? Does it make certain men feel inferior if a woman he is attracted to  matches his level of success, or has surpassed his current professional level of success?

Ne-Yo sang about “Miss Independent”, men appeared to be happy and overly delighted that they would be able to find a woman who does not need him in her life, but actually wants him in her life.  With an independent woman these men would no longer have to play the role of  “Captain Save Them”, she would be his counterpart and the perfect compliment to his life, as he would be to hers. However, this appears not to be the case. From what I personally see and hear about,  it seems that some men are more comfortable with a woman who they can save, and the woman who needs him in her life to take care of her. Thus,  leaving the successful, independent woman to continue to look for that man who not only comfortable with her intellect, but also confident enough not to feel like his manhood has been downsized because of her success.

I would like to think of myself as a successful woman, and very independent to say the least (just because I was raised that way).  I also know many other successful, independent women of all races, with amazing personality traits. Many of whom are single, yet they are great women to be around, and yes they are attractive. Recently I have noticed a trend in Hawaii (as well as other parts of the country), women who are educated, have an actual career, and can do for themselves, seem not to have a male counterpart to share their lives with. Yet, the women who appear as “needy” have a man who is willing to give them everything that they cannot achieve on their own.  So I began to wonder is success an unattractive quality?

Hawaii can be complicated to use as an example because it is a world of its own. It is a state that is overrun with military men. Many of the single military men often meet a woman of much lower stature, marry her, and take her away to a new life on the mainland. Many of these girls are looking for a man to save them from the “rock”. I don’t blame them. A military man comes with a stable income, great benefits, and an opportunity to live all over the world.  For the men, well they appear to  like that these women are willing to do any and everything for them, as long as they provide financial support. It appears to be more about an issue of control, and the notion that a man’s ego will never be compromised as long as he knows that his woman will always need him. He will always have  power over her, as long as she allows him to. And if she tries to gain power, or take care of herself, well then the benefits and stability will be cut off.

On the mainland the picture may be different, but the ultimate story remains the same. Studies show that women tend to date up, and men tend to date down.  Men have admitted to feeling inferior to a woman who makes more money. Let me play that to my own life. I have a master’s degree (apparently I am already overly educated), I hope to one day have a Ph.D.  So does that mean the only men who would be confident, and secure enough to have me as a companion would have to be on Obama status?

As a black woman, the task of finding a mate who is not intimidated by success is even more difficult. Michael Eric Dyson candidly points out this fact in the chapter Another Saturday Night, Or Have All The Brother’s Gone to White Women, which can be found in his book , Why I Love Black Women, or in chapter 13 of, The Michael Eric Dyson Reader.  With the statics showing that more black men are involved in the prison system than  graduating from college,  Dyson states, “Black women with higher levels of education, are disproportionately affected by the shortage of black men with similar levels of education”  and, ” Black male resentment of black female achievement, especially among black men who have not enjoyed the opportunity to succeed, may translate to unwarranted hostility toward black women…Further, for a black man to reach beneath his class station to embrace a black woman reinforces the status quo: as breadwinner, he can provide for his family, and thus remain head of house”. Thus, stating that a black male would not readily go for a black woman who has excelled in her education and professional development more than himself,  because it goes against the societal norms leaving him to feel as if he is the inferior half of the relationship. Again going back to the male ego, the force that can make or destroy a relationship.

Some days, I wonder what would happen if I left out the information of my professional life when meeting a new man. I wonder if it would make a difference in the way he views or treats me. When I do tell men about my own success, many respond with an impressive stance, yet, at times I feel that it may make some slightly uncomfortable. Some even change their whole way of speech, and start to overly verbalize about their own personal accomplishments.  This is especially true if the man has not attended college or is still working on his first college degree.

I once had a conversation with a male friend surrounding this topic. I explained to him that no man has ever paid to get my nails done, my hair done, or take me on a shopping spree (I can afford to do all that myself). His response was maybe I needed to be a little bit more submissive.  My response with calmness and a hint of confusion was:  “what in the world are you talking about”.  The word “submissive” made me feel as if I had to give up a part of myself just to have a man do for me what I can do for myself. If I have to “submit” for anything, then no I don’t want it.  I am all for a man being a man, and a woman acting like a woman, but to pretend to be something I am not will not work in my relationship. I am proud of my success.  I love my sense of ambition, and drive to do better. That makes me who I am. I have determination to continue to grow in my personal and professional life. Ultimately, I enjoy being a successful, independent woman. Eventually only time will tell if that trait is actually a gift or a curse.

Sun, Beaches, Palm Trees, and….Tents

On By Jenni C.In Hawaii, Life, Paradise, random, Relocation, TravelLeave a comment

I am taking a step away from talking about myself. Lets focus on a more serious issue.

To the outside world  Hawaii is  a tropical paradise. From the beaches, to the pineapples, to the amazing ocean waves it is the land of beauty, warmth, ,life, and peace. Some consider it a promise land where they come to relax, escape the troubles of reality, get married, or have a once in a lifetime vacation.

However, to those who live here there is a harsh reality of truth, one that may go unnoticed by tourist at times, but is still deeply a very disturbing a sad fact. A reality that puts a dark cloud over the tropical promise land.  The reality of homelessness and poverty in Hawaii.

To those who have seen the entire island of Oahu (the island with the largest population), understand that it is not all clean, serene beaches and sunshine. Travel outside of Waikiki to certain areas of  Waipahu or Wainaine, and you may forget where you actually are. You may even forget that you are still in the U. S. To those who truly know the island, know the truth about the growing population of homeless individuals and families that encompass the island. As a friend described it once “Hawaii is like a third world country”. Sadly, some areas are so improvised that it can remind one of being in a country that is struggling for resources.

The growing homeless population is the untold detriment of the island. To see a state where “tent communities” are a form of suitable housing is not exactly the idealistic notion of the American Dream. However, it a normal way of living on the island. Hey I even had a quick second thought of living in a tent so I can save money on rent. Though it is possible due to the year long warm weather,  it truly is not an ideal lifestyle.  For families to live in tents on a beach,  sadly it is not a public issue. It can be common. Children grow up together in tent communities. The beaches are used to shower, and public bathrooms can be treated like their very own. Would this require CPS action in New York, of course! However in Hawaii, as long as the children are being taken care of sufficiently CPS involvement is not necessary. The positive side: families are able to stay together, and the family unit is not disrupted.

In the recent Governor elections the issue of what to do about the homeless population came up as a topic of debate. It amazed me that the responses were to turn on the sprinklers at the park, and make it uncomfortable for them as much as possible.  That does not offer a solution, just moves people to a new location. Perhaps further away from the tourist? Hide the problem not fix has become the unsaid motto of what to do about homelessness.

The truth is that it just boils down to money.  The state of Hawaii is already in a deficit, considering that they actually furloughed school days last year, I know money is a serious state problem. To build more affordable housing, shelters, or to create more jobs may be out of the question at the immediate time. But, to have such a beautiful island, a paradise, that caters more to the tourist than the actual people who have grew up on the land, and call it home makes paradise a true disappointment. A former homeless man described his experience as this: ” I was waking up each day in paradise, but I felt like I was living each day in hell”.

Love And Other Forms Of Torture

On By Jenni C.In Bachelor/Bachelorette, dating, Finding meaning, men, relationships, Relocation, sexLeave a comment

Here is a little insight into me: My favorite movies are, Love and Basketball, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Serendipity, Brown  Sugar, and Coyote Ugly.  Ignoring the fact that all of these movies are sappy romantic chick flicks (that I usually rotate through on a regular basis), they have another incredibly huge common factor. The final scene of these movies all end up with the guy chasing the girl at the end, in some form or fashion the man ends up declaring his undying love for the leading lady. Mind you this happens after she has already thought she has lost him forever.  Girl feels like guy is gone, and guy dramatically shows that she is the one that he really loves. (I know it’s a movie so drama is a requirement) Got it!

So now lets take out the main characters, scenery, the sappy feelings of confusion turned into true love, and these are all virtually become the same movie. Here is what happens: Girl meets guy– girl and guy mutually like each other– they decide to try to fall in love– or play games to avoid the truth that they actually love each other– dramatic climax– girl and guy break away from each other–period of indecisiveness turned sadness–leading to the happy ending where guy chases girl and they both proclaim endless love to each other– finally they live happily ever after ( I assume). Conclusion: Chick flicks or romantic movies are actually adult forms of  Disney movies without the cartoons bursting out into song!

From the time girls are young we quickly learn about the notion of happily ever after. I can remember thinking “one day my prince will come” or just waiting for that Knight in shinning armor to come save me from….I am guessing myself to say the least. Little girls are groomed to be a princess. With dolls, dresses, and tiara’s, young girls love the idea of  being a Princess. However, as they grow older some still  hope that a prince charming will be the one to turn that storm cloud into a bright ray of sunshine. What is with that? When we are young it is magical thinking, when we are adults what do we call it? Maybe a delusion? Maybe wishful thinking? Whatever it is, I blame Hollywood.

As an adult we face reality. No more playing dress up in the princess costume, the costume gets replaced with a wedding dress, that may actually look like your childhood version of the princess costume. Yet, the reality of love isn’t as easy as a man running across the county on one leg for you, doing anything to prove that he loves you. I would like to think so. Maybe for some people they do get that childhood dream of being a princess.  I would like to think that the happily ever after exist, but does it?           

I am and probably will always will be a hopeless or helpless romantic (depending on which way you look at it). My friends laugh at me, but that’s alright, that’s just me. I like romance, you know the type that are in movies, and are sung about in love songs. Does it exist in real life? Well don’t ask me I’m single so I am yet to find out. But I am guessing someone out there has it.

A few months ago I saw the movie Love and Other Drugs with Jake Gyllenhaal, and Anne Hathaway. Cute movie. But it was also typical. The stuff that I only wonder about. Girl meets guy–somehow they fall in love–girl pushes guy away time after time–guy keeps coming back, every time going to another extreme to prove how much he loves her. I am assuming they then live happily ever after. He is the prince who saves her from herself. Now I will just wait for the Disney version to come out.

So while waiting for that prince to come, do we as women torture ourselves during the wait? Maybe Disney is to blame for coming up with that darn theme of Happily Ever After.  Perhaps it should be, kinda sorta, maybe, but not really happily ever after. Is it wrong to be a hopeless romantic, and expect for a guy to run after you when you push him away. Ok maybe not that serious, but at least to show you how important you are to him and how much you he wants to be with you. And women we can show the same. Is it wrong to have high expectations for your “prince”?  Whatever it is I know right now I am placing the blame on Disney and Hollywood for putting the idea out there that amazing, out of this world romantic love really exists. You know the type of love that only happens in the movies.

The Hawaiian Language: More than just Aloha and Mahalo

On By Jenni C.In Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, Relocation, Travel1 Comment

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I am coming up on my two year mark of living on the island. It still seems exciting yet unreal. Originally I was only supposed to be here for one year, or at least that was all the time I was allowed by my friends to leave the east coast. But coming up on two years is also exciting because I feel I am now able to absorb the Hawaiian culture. I am super stoked because I have finally developed an understanding of the key words of the  Hawaiian language.

It may seem strange to those of you living on the mainland, but really there are Hawaiian words (much more than Aloha, and Mahalo) that I had to learn in order to understand a simple conversation. And now that I am able to follow without hesitation, it makes some conversations so much easier. You may not hear me speak these words naturally, but at least I know what they mean.

One of the first facts that I learned when I moved to the island was that the Hawaiian language only has 13 letters. I quickly realized this to be true when I couldn’t pronounce most of the street names. And although I still cannot pronounce many of the street names, I can at least do a better job in trying to figure it out how it should be properly said. So with each day there is a little bit more progress, and each day a step closer to not sounding like a mainland idiot.

In case you were wondering the 13 letters of the Hawaiian alphabet are A, E, H, I K, L, M, N, O, P, U and W.  You know which words are native Hawaiian because these are the letters that are used over and over within one word (words that can be pretty long).

Since I work with a lot of local families it helps to actually understand some of the Hawaiian language. Some days it can feel like I live in another country, I learn words by putting them together within the context of a sentence. Hey now that I think about it maybe I can move to Spain or Italy, and still be able to make a way for myself.

I have complied a list of the top Hawaiian words that I have found are common to come across. Now if you come on vacation and stay in Waikiki, you may never ever hear these words. But if  you decide to venture out to lets say ummmm…Waianae, yeah you will hear these words and a lot more.

What you already know:

Aloha- Hello, Goodbye

Mahalo- Thank you

What you may want to know to heighten your Hawaiian experience:

Aina- Land, earth

Hanai-Adopted, or brought into the family

Hapai- Pregnant

Haole- Caucasian person

Hapa- Mixed race person

Kama`aina- Native-Hawaiian or long-time resident

Makai-  Ocean Side

Mauka- Mountain Side

Pau- Done, Finished

Pupu- Appetizer

Puka- Hole

Wahine- Woman

Kane- Man

Other small helpful hints: Children refer to any adult as Aunty or Uncle, it is just respect so don’t get alarmed. You will hear the term “Bruh” a lot and,  if you get mad at someone while driving, or if  you cut someone off just throw up the “shaka” it makes everything better. Last but not least the phrase “Da Kine” apparently has no real meaning, but goes for anything (yeah I still don’t understand that one).

The list goes on and on, these are just a few words to give you are head start so you don’t appear as a lost tourist once you arrive at the airport.

If you are interested about coming to Hawaii, visiting or moving to the island, check out:

Hawaiian Dictionary: Hawaiian-English, English-Hawaiian

Hawaiian Dictionary: Hawaiian-English, English-Hawaiian

Mary Kawena Pukui (Author), Samuel H. Elbert (Author)

New Year, New Challenges, New Goals: A whole new set of crap please

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Goals, random, Relocation1 Comment

New Year, New Challenges, New Goals!! Hopefully it’s not the same crap as last year, but I will take a new set a crap. The more advanced crap to go with my new advancements in life.

So it’s A little over a week into the new year. The positive: I continue to feel motivated, inspired, ready to make my dreams come true. I feel like I am up for any challenge, ready to put my plans into action. The negative: I have no idea how long this feeling is going to last, and how long I can keep going full steam ahead.

I feel I am destined for greatness, and not just because my mother keeps telling me that. Of course she has to, she is my mother, in her eyes I will always be great.  But in actuality I feel like I am as supposed to be great. I have the feeling that I can make a difference in this world. Not a little difference, a big difference! The feeling of people are supposed to know my name,  suddenly I have realized that I have purpose!  Does everyone feel like this or is it just me? Maybe these are my manic thoughts running rampant in my mind,  or the delusions of grandeur acting out again. No I am not bipolar (at least I don’t think so or I have not been clinically diagnosed). Hey call it what you want, but since I have this feeling why not run with it right? There is nothing wrong with believing in my own potential and seeing what I can make of it.

So to 2011, this is going to be my year! Ok, everyone says that, I know. But the difference: I really mean it. I have planned, calculated the risk, and now I am ready. Ready to make moves, take these projects that are just thoughts in my head, and turn them into a reality. What am I talking about you may ask? Well that is to come later. But trust me it is a New Year. With that comes New Challenges, New Goals, and hopefully not the same old crap as last year!

To 2011 I say welcome, I am opening the box to let go, to live to my potential, to do better constantly, to strive to be the best. To not only help myself but help others while I am it. To pay it forward. To live with integrity! Keep reading future blogs to see how this turns out. Until then lets just believe that we are all destined for greatness!