My insurance company pays for my birth control, I guess that makes me a slut too!

Today is super Tuesday, there is nothing super about it. I hate politics.

Over the past few weeks we have seen an increase in public discussion of women’s rights, and what women should and should not be doing with their own bodies. The controversy as usual started with the abortion debate, then moved to law makers wanting to pass bills mandating invasive procedures for women who wanted to have an abortion, then to top it all off we have a widespread attack on female contraception. When will this madness end! Suddenly when did choices I make for my body become everybody else’s business and when did everyone really start to care so much?

The icing on the cake appeared last week when Rush Limbaugh decided to take it upon himself to call Sandra Fluke a “slut” and a “prostitute” on his nationally broadcast radio program. He must not realize that by calling her those names, he attacked any woman who has ever used birth control. He has since offered an useless apology, but really Rush, we all know that you are not sorry for what you said. Rush really should have kept his tired apology. To use his media influence to publicly degrade and humiliate a woman in our American society is disgusting to say the least, and an outright public form of bullying. Yes we live in a country that has freedom of speech, but with that freedom also comes personal responsibility. Rush is well aware of the power he has when he is on the radio, to abuse that power to spread an openly misogynistic and hateful message to the public should never be tolerated. So good for the advertisers who pulled out of his show, he should understand that ignorance about a woman, and a woman’s body is not an acceptable message to spread to the American public.

For Rush, or anyone else for that matter to assume that female contraception is just about sex, I would say why not take a minute to truly educate yourself about female contraception before publicly denouncing that insurance companies should cover the cost for it. First of all female contraception is a medication, just like every other medication you get a prescription for. It is not any less relevant than your heart or diabetes medication. It is taken as prescribed from the doctor. Yes, contraception stops women from getting pregnant. Pregnancy is very much a health issue. Does that make every woman who takes contraception a slut? Absolutely not. About 99% of women have taken a form a birth control in their life. Men, if you think not, then your wife, girlfriend, mother, daughter, or sister, is probably not being honest with you. So why not rethink that definition of a “slut” real quick. Married women use birth control. Why? Because they just may not want to get pregnant. Is she a slut? Women in monogamous relationships readily use birth control, the 15 or 16-year-old high school student down the block is probably using birth control . Are these females sluts? No they are just using a medication to control their own bodies.

I’m not a doctor, but real quick education on the other uses of birth control for anyone who questions why insurance companies should cover the cost of contraception. That adolescent girl going through early stages of puberty may be experiencing severely heavy bleeding monthly and cramping so bad that she cannot go to school 5 days out of the month due to these cramps. Her doctor prescribes her birth control to make that monthly week of bleeding, just a little bit more manageable (it still sucks!). Birth control helps women regulate that cycle of blood so at least they can determine when they will feel like crap for a week. Hormones have also has been found to assist with ovarian cysts, and decrease the risk of ovarian cancer. Bottom line, contraception is a form of medication, and it is also a preventative measure. Come on now, I’m sure you would rather cover the cost of stopping the pregnancy, rather than the cost of that abortion, or the cost of raising the baby when I become a single mother and start to use those entitlement programs that you also want to diminish. Now which is cheaper?

It will always troubles me when I hear the ignorant comments made about this issue. Comments such as “Why should I pay for women to have sex”.  Suddenly why do men have so much to say about female birth control, when in reality they know absolutely nothing about birth control. Until men start bleeding out of their penis once a month, every man should just stay quiet about this issue. Men have no idea what a woman goes through with her body over the course of a lifetime, and to joke about female contraception proves how little they really know. No man or woman is paying for any woman to have sex. Unless you are actually leaving money on the table when the sex is over, that is when you are paying for a woman to have sex. Insurance companies cover the cost of Viagra. Why am I paying for men to have an erection, just so they can really have sex? When will we start having that debate? (I’m guessing no time soon right?)

Now if you wonder why you pay money into an insurance premium that covers the cost of birth control, stop thinking about it. Lets be honest, If all insurance companies decided they were not going to cover the cost of birth control, I highly doubt that anyone would notice a difference in the amount you are paying into insurance. However, you probably would notice the rise in unwanted pregnancies. If you are really that concerned over a few pennies, perhaps you would feel more comfortable with men practicing that pull out method that seems to work or not work so well (just ask the girls on 16 and pregnant how that worked out). But then again, that form of contraception is free, so I guess that would make you happy. Lets take money off the table here. It is not an issue about money.

On a positive note, maybe we can open up and have an intelligent conversation about female contraception. For a woman to enjoy sex does not make her a slut, it makes her human. For a man to degrade a woman for her sexual choices makes him a child. To any man who has a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend, or a wife, enlighten yourself to the importance of easy access to contraception. Increase your knowledge of its uses before passing and inaccurate judgement. Do I expect men to care about birth control? No they will never have to take it. However if you’re a father with a teenage daughter, do not assume the worst if your daughter wants to use birth control. You don’t want to see her and her baby on MTV right? Have a conversation with her, show her you are comfortable with the issue so she can talk to you. Ignoring that your daughter wants to have sex does not make it go away, the sex is will still be there, you just won’t be knowing about it.

If you are a boyfriend, or a husband, talk to your woman about her birth control if she is using it. Not all women are in a rush to get pregnant. It may be helpful for you to know that. A conversation is all that is needed. A conversation will stop judgments, insults, and inaccurate notions that continue to cultivate in a culture of ignorance.

In case your still interested in women’s health, check out these links:

http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/med-uses-ocp.html

http://www.healthywomen.org/condition/birth-control-pills

 

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences.

 

 

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In the world of love and relationships not every question is a soup question

The initial dating or getting to know someone phase of a relationship can be tricky. After the first few dates are there any questions that are completely off-limits, or does the concept of a dating, or semi-maybe-possibly we’re dating relationship equate to an open forum of information between two people? Is taking the no holds bar, all questions are possible approach a good strategy for building your relationship?

When we first get to know someone, we do what is natural, we ask questions (or at least I do).  As I continue to talk to them more questions become relevant, and I get more answers. I hope the answers are truthful.  Yet, what if a question is presented, and I feel the question and the answer is not relevant to moving forward with the relationship? Basically it is a question about the past, and has little to do with the future status of the relationship we may or may not be working on building. Do I  have to answer all the questions, or is there a bit of myself that I can keep for myself?

I am a firm believer in transparency.  As you can tell I hold back little information, I write about my life on a blog. I am not a huge fan of lying, I have found many times that the truth always comes out, so I do my best to avoid the lie. Honesty is less stressful, it helps me to keep a clear conscience. So if I am dating someone, or thinking about a relationship with a new man, I will tell the truth all the way.  So when he asks a question, I hope he is prepared for the answer. If the question is asked I have an answer, but I wonder are some questions just blatantly inappropriate to be asking in the first place?

For instance,  when it comes to the issue of sex and past sexual relationships, are detailed questions about a persons sexual past necessary to ask. Now I am not talking about questions like when was the last time you had an STD test, or do you currently have an STD? That I want to know, and if intimacy is to be had, that conversation should be had.  Let’s be honest, HIV is real and I don’t want you to kill me. HPV is more widespread than ever, and herpes is on the rise (I don’t care how happy those people look on the Valtrex commercial). So, if we need to talk about STD tests, yes I want to have  that conversation. That conversation I will bring up myself.

However other questions appear less relevant,  such as how many people have you slept with, or when was the last time you had sex? Are those need- to- know questions if you are not actually in a relationship with someone?  If you are in a relationship does the basis of your relationship change if you know how many people your partner has been with in his or her past?  Are those questions ever OK? If it happened in the past, is it so wrong to leave the past right there.

I say this because I have had men  ask me those very questions, they weren’t even my boyfriend, I was still trying to determine if they were good enough to be boyfriend potential.  I have also heard of men asking other women those questions. To some women (or men) in this situation who get asked those particular questions the saying, “Ask me questions and I will tell you no lies” may come into play. Since I like transparency I will give an honest answer. I give an honest answer for two reasons, number 1: my sex life is nothing I am ashamed of, and number 2: at this point we haven’t reached the point of being in a solid exclusive relationship, I would like any man who wants to know me, to know me for who I am.  Would I ever think those questions are relevant? No.

Some men will be quick to judge a woman by how many men she has slept with in the past. That I will never understand. If he has had previous sexual encounter, why would he expect for her to have a whole lot less sexual encounters of her own. I know men are glorified by their sexual experience, and women are labeled as a slut or hoe if she has too much sexual experience (still not sure who determines exactly what is too much, but oh well). That standard really needs to change. Newsflash to all men: Women are having sex, and they like it!  Sorry men, unless you are number 1, anything after that really doesn’t matter. Start from where you are at in your new relationship and go from there.  If you have expectations for a committed monogamous relationship then state it. Be assured with from that day forward  you will be the only man she is sleeping with, all those other men are non factors. If you want to know the last time she had sex before she was exclusive with you take a moment, breathe, then ask yourself, “Why is this important for me to know”? Continue with,”What what answer am I already expecting”? Trust me, the actual answer will probably be vastly different from the one you are expecting, so then again say to yourself, “Why is this important to me”? How would you feel if she asked you the same question? Would you be honest?

In relationships, yes, many questions should be asked, and truthful answers need to be given. When talking about intimacy and sexual health, it should be an open forum for a conversation between two people. When talking about past sexual relationships that is usually a tricky grey area. It would help to keep the questions relevant, don’t assume the answer will make you feel good about yourself. The answer may be shocking. It may hurt.  Expect the truth. If the truth scares you, then next time be careful about the questions you ask. The best relationships start with honesty and an open mind. Everyone has a past, but new relationships work best when they are focused on the present, and plans are made for the future.

Have you ever been asked a question when starting a brand new relationship that you just really did not want to answer?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

Why Not Be The Best Version Of Yourself!

S0 here it is: In a few weeks I will be turning 29! Yup 29. (I am silently wondering if I should be having a brief panic attack) Since I am entering my last year in my twenties, I have decided to do a little bit of self-reflection.

While in my twenties I would say that I almost met all of the societal expectations of girls in their twenties. I graduated from college, entered the professional world, learned how to balance a check book, and dated a variety of men. Where did I go wrong? Well I didn’t get married, and I have no children. In my thirties, if I stay on this track  I will be considered a social leper by the standards of some.  Apparently marriage and babies is the icing on the cake for women in their twenties. Therefore, when women reach their thirties they will be complete with a family, or divorced, take your pick. As a woman, if you are still or newly single in your thirties, you continue to go on what may seem like endless dates, continue to look for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right now, oh and  you even get the wonderful added pity of people who feel so sorry for you life of singledom that they go out of their way to offer to find you Mr. Right now. Do women ever get the chance to just be happy with themselves, by themselves, and love it?

I spent the majority of my early to mid twenties involved in serious relationships. When I was around the age of 24, I was dating a man who I just knew I wanted to marry. For some strange reason I wanted a husband right then. My boyfriend at the time was cute, and he had a job, he took care of me, so he was perfect to marry right? Well no it was not that simple. I wanted to get married yes, but not because I actually wanted to be a wife or understood what it actually meant to be a wife, at the time I just thought the idea of having a husband would be nice. I would have someone to take care of me, and we would just automatically become one. I must give the credit to God on that one, he knew exactly what he was doing with that didn’t work.

At 24 I would have made a horrible wife. I’ll admit it, just horrible. I was selfish, egocentric, bratty, spoiled, and had no idea of what it meant to be a wife, or how to treat a husband. Marriage was just a word in my vocabulary. I truly wanted the wedding and not the marriage. Looking back life worked out exactly the way life was supposed to work.  However, if I did get married the advantage was then I would not have to face life alone. I could go from living with my parents, to living with my husband. When I was younger I remember my mother telling me that I needed to find a husband so he can take me away. To my mom, she could just marry me off so she wouldn’t have to support me anymore. What a silly idea that was. When the marriage plan didn’t work out, I created a new plan, my own plan. My plan actually turned out to be the right plan. I would live life for me, and figure out how to be the best version of me first before I tried to share my life with someone else.

Around the age of 25, I once heard Oprah and Mya Angelou say that life gets better at 50. So being the me that I am, I figured that I only have to wait 25 more years, then life will start to get good. I will feel free, and living my best days…but at 50, which seems like an eternity away. Did I really want to wait that long? No. I have a huge problem with impatience. So my next thought was how do I make today my best day. I can make life start right now, today, and really live. The advantage had been that I could figure that out all by myself. I had no one to answer to. It was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. Suddenly I realized the bright side of not getting married, and being a horrible wife at the age of 24. I was given the opportunity to grow, to learn, to love me for who I am, to learn to love other people exactly for who they are, and to learn how to be a good wife. With growth, I learned compromise, I learned the joys of giving, and to be happy seeing other people happy.  I found my own personal happiness, and no one could take that away from me.

During my twenties I feel my biggest accomplishment has been becoming the a better version of myself. With time spent alone, I have learned to love myself first as an individual. Doing small things on my own, has helped me to learn to appreciate my own company.  I am content in knowing what I love and what I don’t love. What I want and what I don’t want.  I used to have fears of going to eat alone, going to the movies alone, or vacationing alone. In the past few years I have overcome all of those fears, and many more. So as I turn 29 do I feel like I have life figured out? Oh no, far from it. But I do know that I am now living life at my best, I appreciate everything that I have to offer to the world. Most importantly, I know that I do not have to wait another 20 years for life to start, because I am ready to start living  life at my best everyday.

Love And Other Forms Of Torture

Here is a little insight into me: My favorite movies are, Love and Basketball, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Serendipity, Brown  Sugar, and Coyote Ugly.  Ignoring the fact that all of these movies are sappy romantic chick flicks (that I usually rotate through on a regular basis), they have another incredibly huge common factor. The final scene of these movies all end up with the guy chasing the girl at the end, in some form or fashion the man ends up declaring his undying love for the leading lady. Mind you this happens after she has already thought she has lost him forever.  Girl feels like guy is gone, and guy dramatically shows that she is the one that he really loves. (I know it’s a movie so drama is a requirement) Got it!

So now lets take out the main characters, scenery, the sappy feelings of confusion turned into true love, and these are all virtually become the same movie. Here is what happens: Girl meets guy– girl and guy mutually like each other– they decide to try to fall in love– or play games to avoid the truth that they actually love each other– dramatic climax– girl and guy break away from each other–period of indecisiveness turned sadness–leading to the happy ending where guy chases girl and they both proclaim endless love to each other– finally they live happily ever after ( I assume). Conclusion: Chick flicks or romantic movies are actually adult forms of  Disney movies without the cartoons bursting out into song!

From the time girls are young we quickly learn about the notion of happily ever after. I can remember thinking “one day my prince will come” or just waiting for that Knight in shinning armor to come save me from….I am guessing myself to say the least. Little girls are groomed to be a princess. With dolls, dresses, and tiara’s, young girls love the idea of  being a Princess. However, as they grow older some still  hope that a prince charming will be the one to turn that storm cloud into a bright ray of sunshine. What is with that? When we are young it is magical thinking, when we are adults what do we call it? Maybe a delusion? Maybe wishful thinking? Whatever it is, I blame Hollywood.

As an adult we face reality. No more playing dress up in the princess costume, the costume gets replaced with a wedding dress, that may actually look like your childhood version of the princess costume. Yet, the reality of love isn’t as easy as a man running across the county on one leg for you, doing anything to prove that he loves you. I would like to think so. Maybe for some people they do get that childhood dream of being a princess.  I would like to think that the happily ever after exist, but does it?           

I am and probably will always will be a hopeless or helpless romantic (depending on which way you look at it). My friends laugh at me, but that’s alright, that’s just me. I like romance, you know the type that are in movies, and are sung about in love songs. Does it exist in real life? Well don’t ask me I’m single so I am yet to find out. But I am guessing someone out there has it.

A few months ago I saw the movie Love and Other Drugs with Jake Gyllenhaal, and Anne Hathaway. Cute movie. But it was also typical. The stuff that I only wonder about. Girl meets guy–somehow they fall in love–girl pushes guy away time after time–guy keeps coming back, every time going to another extreme to prove how much he loves her. I am assuming they then live happily ever after. He is the prince who saves her from herself. Now I will just wait for the Disney version to come out.

So while waiting for that prince to come, do we as women torture ourselves during the wait? Maybe Disney is to blame for coming up with that darn theme of Happily Ever After.  Perhaps it should be, kinda sorta, maybe, but not really happily ever after. Is it wrong to be a hopeless romantic, and expect for a guy to run after you when you push him away. Ok maybe not that serious, but at least to show you how important you are to him and how much you he wants to be with you. And women we can show the same. Is it wrong to have high expectations for your “prince”?  Whatever it is I know right now I am placing the blame on Disney and Hollywood for putting the idea out there that amazing, out of this world romantic love really exists. You know the type of love that only happens in the movies.

Just call it free love!

Disclaimer: This post is straight to the point, raw, and hardcore. Beware!

Here is somewhat of a funny story for you:

While Chris Rock and Nia long were doing interviews promoting the movie “Good Hair”, they both revealed that they went on a date a few years earlier. After the date Chris Rock apparently gave Nia the wrong number, leaving Nia Long to wonder why he would do that. Chris Rock then discussed in his interview, while they were having dinner he asked Nia if she was seeing anyone. Her response was “no I’m not dating anyone, but I know where to get dick when I need it”.

Now personally I thought that was a truly hilarious statement. However, Chris admitted he was turned off by Nia’s honesty on her dating life, and had no desire to continue seeing her, which in turn lead to him giving her the wrong number at the end of the night. Now what is wrong with a girl being honest about her sex life, yeah she may be single, but it doesn’t mean she is having 24/7 fun with a vibrator to keep her needs met.

This is one for all the guys, being a single girl does not mean void from sex. I think I have finally caught on to this dating game, and hey I may be starting to like it. No not because if I really wanted to I could have sex with a different guy each night, but because there may be some fun to it after all. So now I figure, hey if I am gonna be on my single girl swag, I am gonna milk it for all its worth! I am understanding why guys say now girls are like handcuffs (and may suffer from that Tiger Woods syndrome), why just be stuck with just one guy when I can just turn around and there will be another man who is ready to step in. Ok I know, some guys just want to have sex, yeah they don’t last too long, and some guys actually want to get to know me for all my great qualities, these guys get a real shot. So my thinking is why not let him take me out. And yes I mean take me out! I  refuse to pay for a man to be in my presence (ladies DO NOT pay for a first date!), so yes he will take me out, and it better be a date with some effort or else NEXT!

As I date different guys some of them I may want to have sex with, and some maybe not so much. But when I do want to have sex, I always  know where I can go to get it. I think every girl has that one guy around who she can just call to have sex when needed. He is her JUSTIN, just in case she needs get some!  It doesn’t mean that you want to marry him, or even date him for that matter, it just means he is good in bed. Men take notes, because I believe that a man does not think a girl can have sex just to purely have sex and not get attached to him. New flash men, sometimes girls don’t even want you to spend the night and wish that you would just go home!  When I talk to some of my male friends about dating, they say “oh so your getting some dick”. Ummmm it’s really not hard to get. But is it really hard to believe that a man wants to take you out because he actually is attracted to you personality, and not what is under your clothes.  Ladies if you want to have sex, believe me there is a man who is not going to turn you down! I am yet to meet a single man who will say no I don’t want to have sex with you. So being single is no reason to be utterly horny and miserable. Actually if you are single you can probably get more sex than a woman in a  committed relationship.

So single girls take note: be single, be free, be careful, use protection, have fun, let yourself go,  and don’t be afraid to say, yeah I may be single, but I know where to get dick when I need it!  🙂