Category: relationships

Dating 101- Start By Breaking All The Rules!

On By Jenni C.In Books, dating, internet, men, random, relationships, self help, single girl2 Comments

An astronomical amount of money is being made off of exploiting single women. It is a market where people portray as wanting to help but really feed off of desperation.

Bookstores are over flooded with relationship books aimed particularly at women. The topics range from how to find a date, how to get that man to commit, how to get him to marry you, and the hundreds of different rules on dating. It is no wonder that so many women act a little bit crazy when it comes to dating. Some will never know what is right or wrong, what to really say, how to really act, and when to really leave because that man you are dating was never any good to begin with. But you followed all the rules, and you got him to commit. Even if that commitment makes you just a tad bit miserable on a daily basis.

There are seminars held for women on how to catch a man and keep him. While these seminars are not cheap, many women line up to attend. Do they work? I hope so because they take time and money. In fact you should be able to walk out of one with your very own personal husband. At least then I would know that I got my money’s worth. You pay enough money to learn how to find a man, so why not just give you one at the end of the class. Do they have similar seminars for men on how to find a woman? If so, do men actually attend?

Some women hold on to relationship books as if it is their very own personal bible, or textbook. Pages are highlighted, sticky notes hold important facts, and some women end up quoting these books to their friends and family. Next someone should create the college course on “How to find a man 101”, I am sure many female students and even professors will sign up to take that course. Heck, maybe they will let me teach it! Oh wait, I am still single so I guess I wouldn’t be the best candidate. But then again, I know how to find a man (actually we all do), but maybe I can teach a course in how to find one, since that is the main objective.

Steve Harvey has made a fortune exploiting women’s insecurities about being single. He has found a market that is a gold mine. The insecure single woman!  They have launched his book to the New York Times best sellers list, and someone thought that they even let him come with a second book. Everyday a new relationship book, or article is passed around from woman to woman. These books are the topics of book club discussions and, work lunch chatter. Even the Jersey Shore’s own Jwoww wrote a book on “The Rules” of dating. Don’t worry my book will be in stores soon, I hope it becomes a best seller.

Since dating advice is a big market for success, let me add in my own two cents. (Maybe I will be famous tomorrow)

With all the different so-called “rules” of dating, there really are No Rules! Rules are meant to be broken, so just break them. You may find that you get better success breaking the rules than following your highlighted sentences in your dating advice book.  Dating is not simple. It does not break down into a map, or a blueprint that will lead you to a husband at the end. If it did then we would all be paired up with someone. Dating is complex, because people are complex beings. Not all women are alike and certainly not all men are alike. Therefore, look at the person you are dealing with, and make your next move person specific.

Other Things- Not Rules

To call or not to call: As a woman should you ask a man for his number? Well you can sit and wait for him to ask. But what if he doesn’t ask?  The you will sit and drive yourself crazy wondering why he has not asked for your number of course. So if you want to talk to him, ask for his number. If that turns him off or sends him away, then tell him to kick rocks that was not the man for you. And you will have to admit to yourself that he was ambivalent about you in the first place because he never asked for your number.

To email or not to email: When dating online you may wonder if you should send a message to a person of interest. Well if you want to talk to him then you should. Why not? Oh that might turn him off right? Well again, tell him to kick rocks. You are saving yourself trouble for later. Send a message, if there is interest, then its not a problem.

To ask out on a date or not ask out: Well do you want to hang out with him or not? Yes, a man will ask you out if he wants to spend time with you. But, if you want to go out with him and see what the vibe is like then invite him out. Keep it simple please! For instance, if you were going to see a free concert, grab a cup of coffee, or go to the beach, ask him if he would like to come along. No harm in inviting him to spend time with you. You were going to go anyway, so if he turns you down you can still have fun without him. Again keep it simple! I say that because you don’t want the awkwardness of who is going to pay for this date since you asked him to come along.

To make the first contact after the first date: Sure why not! Just not too soon, you don’t want to smother. But if its the next day, and you want to say hello, call, text, or email. If you are afraid of him losing interest because of that small contact, well you already know…tell him to kick rocks! If that turns him off, then he really wasn’t that into you anyway.

Save yourself the trouble of ending up in a complicated situation later by weeding out the bad ones in the beginning. Please don’t be afraid to quote Jay-Z and say, “on to the next one”! And trust me there will be a next one.

Miss Independent: Gift or Curse?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Goals, Life, men, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, single girl3 Comments

This is a topic that is commonly addressed in public forums, on TV shows, posted on blogs, and random chit chat at the local coffee shop. Recently due to  life and a request I will also touch on this topic. Trust me it is a topic that will never have enough to be said about it.


Are some men intimidated by successful women? Does it make certain men feel inferior if a woman he is attracted to  matches his level of success, or has surpassed his current professional level of success?

Ne-Yo sang about “Miss Independent”, men appeared to be happy and overly delighted that they would be able to find a woman who does not need him in her life, but actually wants him in her life.  With an independent woman these men would no longer have to play the role of  “Captain Save Them”, she would be his counterpart and the perfect compliment to his life, as he would be to hers. However, this appears not to be the case. From what I personally see and hear about,  it seems that some men are more comfortable with a woman who they can save, and the woman who needs him in her life to take care of her. Thus,  leaving the successful, independent woman to continue to look for that man who not only comfortable with her intellect, but also confident enough not to feel like his manhood has been downsized because of her success.

I would like to think of myself as a successful woman, and very independent to say the least (just because I was raised that way).  I also know many other successful, independent women of all races, with amazing personality traits. Many of whom are single, yet they are great women to be around, and yes they are attractive. Recently I have noticed a trend in Hawaii (as well as other parts of the country), women who are educated, have an actual career, and can do for themselves, seem not to have a male counterpart to share their lives with. Yet, the women who appear as “needy” have a man who is willing to give them everything that they cannot achieve on their own.  So I began to wonder is success an unattractive quality?

Hawaii can be complicated to use as an example because it is a world of its own. It is a state that is overrun with military men. Many of the single military men often meet a woman of much lower stature, marry her, and take her away to a new life on the mainland. Many of these girls are looking for a man to save them from the “rock”. I don’t blame them. A military man comes with a stable income, great benefits, and an opportunity to live all over the world.  For the men, well they appear to  like that these women are willing to do any and everything for them, as long as they provide financial support. It appears to be more about an issue of control, and the notion that a man’s ego will never be compromised as long as he knows that his woman will always need him. He will always have  power over her, as long as she allows him to. And if she tries to gain power, or take care of herself, well then the benefits and stability will be cut off.

On the mainland the picture may be different, but the ultimate story remains the same. Studies show that women tend to date up, and men tend to date down.  Men have admitted to feeling inferior to a woman who makes more money. Let me play that to my own life. I have a master’s degree (apparently I am already overly educated), I hope to one day have a Ph.D.  So does that mean the only men who would be confident, and secure enough to have me as a companion would have to be on Obama status?

As a black woman, the task of finding a mate who is not intimidated by success is even more difficult. Michael Eric Dyson candidly points out this fact in the chapter Another Saturday Night, Or Have All The Brother’s Gone to White Women, which can be found in his book , Why I Love Black Women, or in chapter 13 of, The Michael Eric Dyson Reader.  With the statics showing that more black men are involved in the prison system than  graduating from college,  Dyson states, “Black women with higher levels of education, are disproportionately affected by the shortage of black men with similar levels of education”  and, ” Black male resentment of black female achievement, especially among black men who have not enjoyed the opportunity to succeed, may translate to unwarranted hostility toward black women…Further, for a black man to reach beneath his class station to embrace a black woman reinforces the status quo: as breadwinner, he can provide for his family, and thus remain head of house”. Thus, stating that a black male would not readily go for a black woman who has excelled in her education and professional development more than himself,  because it goes against the societal norms leaving him to feel as if he is the inferior half of the relationship. Again going back to the male ego, the force that can make or destroy a relationship.

Some days, I wonder what would happen if I left out the information of my professional life when meeting a new man. I wonder if it would make a difference in the way he views or treats me. When I do tell men about my own success, many respond with an impressive stance, yet, at times I feel that it may make some slightly uncomfortable. Some even change their whole way of speech, and start to overly verbalize about their own personal accomplishments.  This is especially true if the man has not attended college or is still working on his first college degree.

I once had a conversation with a male friend surrounding this topic. I explained to him that no man has ever paid to get my nails done, my hair done, or take me on a shopping spree (I can afford to do all that myself). His response was maybe I needed to be a little bit more submissive.  My response with calmness and a hint of confusion was:  “what in the world are you talking about”.  The word “submissive” made me feel as if I had to give up a part of myself just to have a man do for me what I can do for myself. If I have to “submit” for anything, then no I don’t want it.  I am all for a man being a man, and a woman acting like a woman, but to pretend to be something I am not will not work in my relationship. I am proud of my success.  I love my sense of ambition, and drive to do better. That makes me who I am. I have determination to continue to grow in my personal and professional life. Ultimately, I enjoy being a successful, independent woman. Eventually only time will tell if that trait is actually a gift or a curse.

Love And Other Forms Of Torture

On By Jenni C.In Bachelor/Bachelorette, dating, Finding meaning, men, relationships, Relocation, sexLeave a comment

Here is a little insight into me: My favorite movies are, Love and Basketball, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Serendipity, Brown  Sugar, and Coyote Ugly.  Ignoring the fact that all of these movies are sappy romantic chick flicks (that I usually rotate through on a regular basis), they have another incredibly huge common factor. The final scene of these movies all end up with the guy chasing the girl at the end, in some form or fashion the man ends up declaring his undying love for the leading lady. Mind you this happens after she has already thought she has lost him forever.  Girl feels like guy is gone, and guy dramatically shows that she is the one that he really loves. (I know it’s a movie so drama is a requirement) Got it!

So now lets take out the main characters, scenery, the sappy feelings of confusion turned into true love, and these are all virtually become the same movie. Here is what happens: Girl meets guy– girl and guy mutually like each other– they decide to try to fall in love– or play games to avoid the truth that they actually love each other– dramatic climax– girl and guy break away from each other–period of indecisiveness turned sadness–leading to the happy ending where guy chases girl and they both proclaim endless love to each other– finally they live happily ever after ( I assume). Conclusion: Chick flicks or romantic movies are actually adult forms of  Disney movies without the cartoons bursting out into song!

From the time girls are young we quickly learn about the notion of happily ever after. I can remember thinking “one day my prince will come” or just waiting for that Knight in shinning armor to come save me from….I am guessing myself to say the least. Little girls are groomed to be a princess. With dolls, dresses, and tiara’s, young girls love the idea of  being a Princess. However, as they grow older some still  hope that a prince charming will be the one to turn that storm cloud into a bright ray of sunshine. What is with that? When we are young it is magical thinking, when we are adults what do we call it? Maybe a delusion? Maybe wishful thinking? Whatever it is, I blame Hollywood.

As an adult we face reality. No more playing dress up in the princess costume, the costume gets replaced with a wedding dress, that may actually look like your childhood version of the princess costume. Yet, the reality of love isn’t as easy as a man running across the county on one leg for you, doing anything to prove that he loves you. I would like to think so. Maybe for some people they do get that childhood dream of being a princess.  I would like to think that the happily ever after exist, but does it?           

I am and probably will always will be a hopeless or helpless romantic (depending on which way you look at it). My friends laugh at me, but that’s alright, that’s just me. I like romance, you know the type that are in movies, and are sung about in love songs. Does it exist in real life? Well don’t ask me I’m single so I am yet to find out. But I am guessing someone out there has it.

A few months ago I saw the movie Love and Other Drugs with Jake Gyllenhaal, and Anne Hathaway. Cute movie. But it was also typical. The stuff that I only wonder about. Girl meets guy–somehow they fall in love–girl pushes guy away time after time–guy keeps coming back, every time going to another extreme to prove how much he loves her. I am assuming they then live happily ever after. He is the prince who saves her from herself. Now I will just wait for the Disney version to come out.

So while waiting for that prince to come, do we as women torture ourselves during the wait? Maybe Disney is to blame for coming up with that darn theme of Happily Ever After.  Perhaps it should be, kinda sorta, maybe, but not really happily ever after. Is it wrong to be a hopeless romantic, and expect for a guy to run after you when you push him away. Ok maybe not that serious, but at least to show you how important you are to him and how much you he wants to be with you. And women we can show the same. Is it wrong to have high expectations for your “prince”?  Whatever it is I know right now I am placing the blame on Disney and Hollywood for putting the idea out there that amazing, out of this world romantic love really exists. You know the type of love that only happens in the movies.

Relationship Non-Negotiables: What’s on your list?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Life, men, New York, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, single girl1 Comment

Relationships poster

Recently I have been hearing a lot of buzz about having 5 Non- Negotiables while dating. Apparently both men and women should have at least 5 non-negotiables when looking for a mate to avoid settling for someone with particular characteristics that you would rather avoid.

Is that a good or bad idea? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

These non-negotiables are the 5 things that you would not compromise in a relationship no matter who you meet or what happens around the circumstances of meeting that person. After taking some time out to think about it I can see why it is important to make a list of  at least 5 non-negotiables. With that out of the way you can set a bar for yourself, and establish a strong sense of personal integrity when it comes to dating because you will be certain not to stray from what is important to you first. With that you can rule out who you don’t want to date, and focus in on a particular individual who will complement your own personal lifestyle. Note: I said COMPLEMENT, NOT COMPLETE!

So after much thought (well not really, I already knew what I was not negotiating on) I have come up with my own 5 Non-Negotiables. To some readers,  my list may be a bit harsh, sorry for that. But, for me it is what I know I do not want in a man. To enjoy my own personal sense of happiness I have to be honest with that.

At one time I firmly believed in the theory of compromise. I figured if you wanted to have the right relationship, not perfect, but a relationship that works, then there would always be room for compromise, no matter the issue. If you met the person you wanted to be with then you would be willing to make compromises, and adjust to them right? Well apparently not. In relationships I can have up to 5 things that I just can’t stand for. And trust me it defiantly makes the rule out process a whole lot easier!

So here is my list of my 5 Non-Negotiables that I reference when dating.

1. Must have a job.

2. Must have a sense of humor, and outgoing personality.

3. Must be able to hold a decent conversation, and communicate well.

4. Must be a non-smoker, and non-drug user while I’m at it

5.  Must have ambition for life, and a plan for continuous future growth.

Now in thinking about what I would consider to be my 5 non-negotiables, I know myself well enough to know what I will not stand for in a relationship. Although I understand that people do change, I am not in the business of forcing change on anyone. I like to know what I am getting into upfront so I can walk away if I am not satisfied. So while dating, or if you are already in a relationship, be who you are, know what you want, and make sure you have a solid list on the 5 things that you know you will not stand for!

How much baggage is too much?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Hawaii, men, random, relationships, Self Discovery, single girl, Twenties1 Comment

The interesting part to dating is that I do get to meet a variety of men. Although it is not always a positive experience, and there are some men that I want to forget, I like to think of each of them as a possible extension of my social network. If we can’t date, maybe we can be friends.  Some of these men I do like as people however, they are not boyfriend material. Others I find that I like, are absolutely boyfriend material, but they come with baggage.  And when I say baggage, I don’t mean emotional (although that may be trouble),  I mean physical, like kids, an ex-wife, or multiple baby mammas. Now that is the baggage I try to stay away from.

Before I actually realized that I was in my late twenties, I would never ever date a man who already had kids from another relationship. No matter how nice, cute, and smart he was,  It was just an absolute NO!  I am not a person for drama, and for some reason baby mama equates to drama. Although the two people can have a very cordial relationship, there are always kinks that need to be worked out. And I believe if you want the man then you have to take everything that comes with him, including kids. So if a man had kids, I was not interested.

However, since my move to Hawaii I have met a plethora of men who either have kids, ex wives, or both. And although they may live in a far away place such as the mainland, they still exist. It is easy to find a man on this island who has probably been married and divorced by the time he is 25, and of course has one, two, or three kids. Or he just may have one, two, or three kids without ever being married. Should I fault him for having a past life? No I can’t do that. But it really makes a relationship difficult when I come with just me, and he comes with a prior family.

A few months ago I met a really great guy who has baggage. A whole lot of baggage. And because of that I fail to allow myself to move forward and like him. If we had met 10 years ago, I would have instantly fell in love and would have began to plan our wedding in my head. In my world he would be the man who compliments my style, the one who inspires me to do better, the perfect addition to my life, and I to his. He is attentive, he has the most amazing charm that comes with a caring attitude. He cooks, he is smart, and he communicates like no other man I have met.  Unfortunately for me it is too late. He has BAGGAGE.  He is 30, but he also comes with three kids, one ex-wife, and one other baby mama. To me that’s a lot of baggage. Baggage that I just don’t think I am ready to deal with. To be with him, means that I must take on a ready made family. Am I ready for that? I don’t think so. I just recently learned how to not be selfish and self-centered. I will say that I am still learning how to care for a man, but now to care for a man and his kids? Wow, that is just too much too soon.

So, how much baggage is too much? Am I missing out on a good man because I choose to stop myself from extending love to his prior family? Or, am I correct in admitting that kids are not something I want to deal with right now and move on. I want my own family, with my own kids. It is not the same if the kids belong to another woman. But, if I believe that I can truly love someone, maybe I should be willing to accept everything and everyone who comes along with him.

Maybe I can start with accepting a man with one child, but a man with multiple children…ummm that may be a little bit too much for me.

What women can do for men: My very own personal ode to the Good Man

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Life, men, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Self Discovery, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

It is sometimes said that “A good man is hard to find”, so when a woman finds a good man, shouldn’t she want to show him and the world that he is a good man?

I recently wrote the blog titled “Chivalry is dead, and MEN killed it”, based on the notion that men have forgotten how to treat a woman while dating, and women have accepted the non nonchalant, sub par, dating behaviors. However, I must truly admit that not all men have killed the art of Chivalry, and the world does have some good men who deserve kindness, care, and the love of a good woman as the perfect addition to their lives.

When I hear women say that there are no good men anymore, I must slightly disagree with that comment. I know many good men, however in the past I have chosen not to date them. That is a fault of my own. While a good man will be right in front of me, I often chose to look to the left and go for the bad boy. With my own growth process, and maturity, I have realized that the bad boys I used to love so much will only leave me with tears, disappointment, and a broken heart that somedays feels like it is still in need of repair.Those good men that I know, are always there to pick up the pieces, watch me cry, and stay with me through the process of healing my heart. Why do they stay? Because the men who I speak of, that I know are good men, actually happen to be some of my closest friends. So when women say, “there are no good men left”, I just think about many of my male friends and say, Yes there still are good men. There are plenty, we just choose not to date them.



So this post is for the women. Women, we say we want a good man, but when we get him, what happens next? Do you know how to treat him? Do you know how to make him feel special? Do you know how to keep him as the most important man in your life?

The true benefit to me having so many male friends, who are ACTUALLY good men is that I am able to learn from them. I am able to hear what they want in a woman, and I am able to generalize some of those ideas into what I can do for a good man. So I decided to make a list of what I can do when I am finally able to get out of my own way, and accept that man who will not be the bad boy, but who will be a good man for me!

Women:

  • This first point should go without saying, everyone wants to feel special and feel appreciated. If you have a good man, he is thinking of a way to put you first, a way to make you smile, and he makes you feel like you are on a pedalstal every second of the day. So why not do the same for him? Make him feel special, show him that he is appreciated for who he is, give him what he actually likes (not what you think he may like, or what both of you like). Just make it be about him, actions speak loud, and if you take yourself out of the equation just for him, he will be sure to notice.
  • This next point I got from a friend of mine who is a truly awesome good man! And while talking to him I came to a simple yet powerful revelation: Try asking your man what you can do for him! You may be dating the good man who seems like he has life all figured out. He has stability, intellect, and a personality like you can never imagine. You may wonder, “Where do I fit in his life ?” or, “What can I do for him because it seems everything is always done ?”, Well JUST ASK! The words, “What can I do for YOU” can go a long way!
  • A good man will not just treat you like you are his number one, he will treat you as the ONLY one! So that means: Women act as if you are the only one, and trust your man! Leave the baggage of the past douche bag in the past, don’t be afraid to let go and love. Trust that he will take care of your heart every step of the way.
  • While the Independent Woman is nice, sometimes a man may also want the Traditional Woman. Honestly I struggle with this one myself. However, I am realizing that a strong man also wants a woman to act like a woman. Don’t be afraid to “Cater to your man” (as said by Destiny’s child). Cooking a nice meal for your man when he gets home from work or waking him up with breakfast, pampering him to make him feel better, and cleaning up the home are ways to show him that you appreciate all he does for you inside and outside of  the home. Make the home a home, so you both can enjoy each other’s company at the end of the day.
  • Attempt to take care of the small stuff, so he can focus on the big things! Men have huge egos! Good men want to feel like they are the protector, taking care of their family, and making sure that all the business is handeled. Women, we all want a happy man, who does not look like he is full of stress every second of the day. So chip in where you can! Take care of what you know you can do without his help. The small tasks inside or outside of the home, let him feel like he is free to handle anything else. With less worry both men and women can be happy!
  • Allow a man to be a man! Don’t be afraid to take the one down approach at times in your relationship.  This is something I personally learned from past relationships. I am a huge talker and love to enter my own opinion whenever I feel necessary. However, there are times when we as women  just need to be quiet and allow a man to figure out things on his own, or make his own mistakes without our input.
  • Give your man space and time with the boys. Nobody wants to be under the constant suffocation of their significant other 24/7,  that is just unhealthy. Allow your good man time with his friends, since he is a good man you don’t have to worry about his friends having a negative impact on him.
  • Allow your man to do things for you. No matter if he wants to cook you dinner (but really can’t boil water), open doors, buy you flowers, or take you out on a romantic date, allow him to show you how much he cares. Don’t blow him off, put your own friends first, or claim you are too tired for him. He is a good man, let his light shine bright in your life.

A good man will inspire you!  Accept his challenging opinions, his motivations for you to do better, and be open to his offers to help you with any aspect of your own life.  A good man will see the two of you as a team, so if he is happy and doing well, he wants to see you equally as happy and doing just as well as him. The good man will not be jealous of your accomplishments, but he will continue to motivate you into a wave of ultimate success. In return do the same for him. A good man has no time for jealousy or envy in a relationship.

  • Finally, Do Not use sex as s a punishment for your man when you are upset. Yeah, just don’t do that.