Tag: Finding meaning

Why Not Be The Best Version Of Yourself!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Goals, Life, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, sex, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

S0 here it is: In a few weeks I will be turning 29! Yup 29. (I am silently wondering if I should be having a brief panic attack) Since I am entering my last year in my twenties, I have decided to do a little bit of self-reflection.

While in my twenties I would say that I almost met all of the societal expectations of girls in their twenties. I graduated from college, entered the professional world, learned how to balance a check book, and dated a variety of men. Where did I go wrong? Well I didn’t get married, and I have no children. In my thirties, if I stay on this track  I will be considered a social leper by the standards of some.  Apparently marriage and babies is the icing on the cake for women in their twenties. Therefore, when women reach their thirties they will be complete with a family, or divorced, take your pick. As a woman, if you are still or newly single in your thirties, you continue to go on what may seem like endless dates, continue to look for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right now, oh and  you even get the wonderful added pity of people who feel so sorry for you life of singledom that they go out of their way to offer to find you Mr. Right now. Do women ever get the chance to just be happy with themselves, by themselves, and love it?

I spent the majority of my early to mid twenties involved in serious relationships. When I was around the age of 24, I was dating a man who I just knew I wanted to marry. For some strange reason I wanted a husband right then. My boyfriend at the time was cute, and he had a job, he took care of me, so he was perfect to marry right? Well no it was not that simple. I wanted to get married yes, but not because I actually wanted to be a wife or understood what it actually meant to be a wife, at the time I just thought the idea of having a husband would be nice. I would have someone to take care of me, and we would just automatically become one. I must give the credit to God on that one, he knew exactly what he was doing with that didn’t work.

At 24 I would have made a horrible wife. I’ll admit it, just horrible. I was selfish, egocentric, bratty, spoiled, and had no idea of what it meant to be a wife, or how to treat a husband. Marriage was just a word in my vocabulary. I truly wanted the wedding and not the marriage. Looking back life worked out exactly the way life was supposed to work.  However, if I did get married the advantage was then I would not have to face life alone. I could go from living with my parents, to living with my husband. When I was younger I remember my mother telling me that I needed to find a husband so he can take me away. To my mom, she could just marry me off so she wouldn’t have to support me anymore. What a silly idea that was. When the marriage plan didn’t work out, I created a new plan, my own plan. My plan actually turned out to be the right plan. I would live life for me, and figure out how to be the best version of me first before I tried to share my life with someone else.

Around the age of 25, I once heard Oprah and Mya Angelou say that life gets better at 50. So being the me that I am, I figured that I only have to wait 25 more years, then life will start to get good. I will feel free, and living my best days…but at 50, which seems like an eternity away. Did I really want to wait that long? No. I have a huge problem with impatience. So my next thought was how do I make today my best day. I can make life start right now, today, and really live. The advantage had been that I could figure that out all by myself. I had no one to answer to. It was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. Suddenly I realized the bright side of not getting married, and being a horrible wife at the age of 24. I was given the opportunity to grow, to learn, to love me for who I am, to learn to love other people exactly for who they are, and to learn how to be a good wife. With growth, I learned compromise, I learned the joys of giving, and to be happy seeing other people happy.  I found my own personal happiness, and no one could take that away from me.

During my twenties I feel my biggest accomplishment has been becoming the a better version of myself. With time spent alone, I have learned to love myself first as an individual. Doing small things on my own, has helped me to learn to appreciate my own company.  I am content in knowing what I love and what I don’t love. What I want and what I don’t want.  I used to have fears of going to eat alone, going to the movies alone, or vacationing alone. In the past few years I have overcome all of those fears, and many more. So as I turn 29 do I feel like I have life figured out? Oh no, far from it. But I do know that I am now living life at my best, I appreciate everything that I have to offer to the world. Most importantly, I know that I do not have to wait another 20 years for life to start, because I am ready to start living  life at my best everyday.

New Year, New Challenges, New Goals: A whole new set of crap please

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Goals, random, Relocation1 Comment

New Year, New Challenges, New Goals!! Hopefully it’s not the same crap as last year, but I will take a new set a crap. The more advanced crap to go with my new advancements in life.

So it’s A little over a week into the new year. The positive: I continue to feel motivated, inspired, ready to make my dreams come true. I feel like I am up for any challenge, ready to put my plans into action. The negative: I have no idea how long this feeling is going to last, and how long I can keep going full steam ahead.

I feel I am destined for greatness, and not just because my mother keeps telling me that. Of course she has to, she is my mother, in her eyes I will always be great.  But in actuality I feel like I am as supposed to be great. I have the feeling that I can make a difference in this world. Not a little difference, a big difference! The feeling of people are supposed to know my name,  suddenly I have realized that I have purpose!  Does everyone feel like this or is it just me? Maybe these are my manic thoughts running rampant in my mind,  or the delusions of grandeur acting out again. No I am not bipolar (at least I don’t think so or I have not been clinically diagnosed). Hey call it what you want, but since I have this feeling why not run with it right? There is nothing wrong with believing in my own potential and seeing what I can make of it.

So to 2011, this is going to be my year! Ok, everyone says that, I know. But the difference: I really mean it. I have planned, calculated the risk, and now I am ready. Ready to make moves, take these projects that are just thoughts in my head, and turn them into a reality. What am I talking about you may ask? Well that is to come later. But trust me it is a New Year. With that comes New Challenges, New Goals, and hopefully not the same old crap as last year!

To 2011 I say welcome, I am opening the box to let go, to live to my potential, to do better constantly, to strive to be the best. To not only help myself but help others while I am it. To pay it forward. To live with integrity! Keep reading future blogs to see how this turns out. Until then lets just believe that we are all destined for greatness!

Relationship Non-Negotiables: What’s on your list?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Life, men, New York, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, single girl1 Comment

Relationships poster

Recently I have been hearing a lot of buzz about having 5 Non- Negotiables while dating. Apparently both men and women should have at least 5 non-negotiables when looking for a mate to avoid settling for someone with particular characteristics that you would rather avoid.

Is that a good or bad idea? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

These non-negotiables are the 5 things that you would not compromise in a relationship no matter who you meet or what happens around the circumstances of meeting that person. After taking some time out to think about it I can see why it is important to make a list of  at least 5 non-negotiables. With that out of the way you can set a bar for yourself, and establish a strong sense of personal integrity when it comes to dating because you will be certain not to stray from what is important to you first. With that you can rule out who you don’t want to date, and focus in on a particular individual who will complement your own personal lifestyle. Note: I said COMPLEMENT, NOT COMPLETE!

So after much thought (well not really, I already knew what I was not negotiating on) I have come up with my own 5 Non-Negotiables. To some readers,  my list may be a bit harsh, sorry for that. But, for me it is what I know I do not want in a man. To enjoy my own personal sense of happiness I have to be honest with that.

At one time I firmly believed in the theory of compromise. I figured if you wanted to have the right relationship, not perfect, but a relationship that works, then there would always be room for compromise, no matter the issue. If you met the person you wanted to be with then you would be willing to make compromises, and adjust to them right? Well apparently not. In relationships I can have up to 5 things that I just can’t stand for. And trust me it defiantly makes the rule out process a whole lot easier!

So here is my list of my 5 Non-Negotiables that I reference when dating.

1. Must have a job.

2. Must have a sense of humor, and outgoing personality.

3. Must be able to hold a decent conversation, and communicate well.

4. Must be a non-smoker, and non-drug user while I’m at it

5.  Must have ambition for life, and a plan for continuous future growth.

Now in thinking about what I would consider to be my 5 non-negotiables, I know myself well enough to know what I will not stand for in a relationship. Although I understand that people do change, I am not in the business of forcing change on anyone. I like to know what I am getting into upfront so I can walk away if I am not satisfied. So while dating, or if you are already in a relationship, be who you are, know what you want, and make sure you have a solid list on the 5 things that you know you will not stand for!

Focus:Where Art Thou?

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Life, Network television, random, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

I have seemed to lost my focus. I wish it would come back. I remember the good old days when I was able to focus, concentrate, and accomplish things. I was able to make things happen!  But, now sadly it has went away. Oh focus where are you? Did someone steal you? Or, did I just stop appreciating your value so you showed yourself the door? Whatever the reason, I really need my focus back and, I need it back soon!

Along with my focus, I feel like I have also lost my motivation, drive, and determination. I am wondering where my edge went also. My go getter attitude. I feel like one day I woke up and a part of me  that was gone. Where did it run to? Everyday it seems as if  I am constantly on an internal scavenger hunt looking for these attributes that make me who I am. Without them I am lost.

Currently I am working on my very first novel. To write a book is hard work and it requires a TON of FOCUS! That is why having my focus back is so important to me. Who knew it would be so hard to actually write a book, and without focus I am doomed, and set on a path to self-destruction. I have a vision for my book, a deadline, and a dream of where I want this book to go. My motivation helps me with that, so I guess I do have a little bit of that left. I want this book to do well, I am a creator. I know the potential that I have to create a life changing project. My determination helps me with that part. I see myself as a brand name in society, a force that is not to be reckoned with. I see multiple projects happening on a daily basis,  a vision of being an outstanding presence in the lives of other. My cutting edge attitude, and high-speed drive to keep going will help me accomplish that piece. But to start I need my FOCUS!

I am on a mission. I will get my focus back, and this time I will not let it go. I will hold on to it tighter than I have ever held onto anything else in my life. Though I know focus is intangible, I will treat it as a tangible object that I will never break or lose. Focus I want you to be my old/new permanent best friend.

And when I get that focus back, I will complete my novel, I will conduct speaking engagements, I will create shows for TV, and maybe I will even have my own TV show. I will be better than I would ever have imagined that I could be. I will be the epitome of a woman who can shape the world…all because I have FOCUS.

My Word: Resilient…

On By Jenni C.In Books, Finding meaning, Hawaii, random, Self Discovery, self helpLeave a comment

Recently I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. First I must admit that I loved the book, so I would recommend the book to anyone as a first option rather than seeing the movie. In my opinion the movie does the book a great injustice (but I hear that about most books that go to movie version, right?). Maybe when I have my book turned movie we can keep it as true to form as possible. Sorry, I digress.

When I originally watched Liz Gilbert on Oprah in 2008 speaking on her journey, I immediately  fell in love with her story. Her admiration, courage, and inspirational message, was one that forced me to stop, think, and reflect on my own life. I think we all may have points in life when we feel unhappy, uneasy, worried, and stuck. But the way we move forward from those points are the true measure of who we are as individuals.

Click to show "Eat, Pray, Love" result 9

I must admit that after hearing Liz Gilbert speak, and eventually reading her story, significantly helped me make the decision to move away from my city life and come to Hawaii. I was at a point in life where I did not know what to do next, feeling unhappy, and stuck. I knew something needed to change and, I had to be the vessel to promote the change that was needed for my life. Though it was not an easy decision, it was what I personally needed, change. Looking back now I know it was the right decision, even in times of doubt I know it was right.  It was a change that saved my life.

In “Eat, Pray, Love”, it is mentioned that every person and city has a word. The word for Rome is sex, the word for New York is achieve, and Gilbert declares her word to be attaversiamo which is Italian for “Let’s cross over”. Well this had me thinking about what my word could be. At first glance I thought my word should be “crazy hot mess”. I know, I know, that’s three words. Maybe if I translate it to another language then it will be only one word. But, then again I am really not that much of a crazy hot mess, and that really doesn’t describe the essence of my full being and everything that comes along with it.

So after much careful thought and planning I decided my word is RESILIENT! In some respect I hate to use the word Resilient as “my word” because I do have times where I feel that it is a commonly overused word. But as I think more about my own life, what I have overcome, the choices I have made, and where I am now, I can’t help but to say that my word is truly Resilient! I have struggled, second guessed, hated myself, and came back to eventually love myself and everything I have to offer the world. So in retrospect, yes I am Resilient!

However, there are times when I feel as if I am not worthy of using that word. Have I been through enough? Do I really know what it is like to come out of a struggle and keep living? I ask myself those questions because in my real life I am a therapist. I have a degree in counseling psychology, and I think I am pretty good at what I do.  I help families who struggle with controlling their teenage children. After a recent session I had with a parent, I realized resiliency goes a lot further than I have ever imagined and sometimes the only choice in life is to be resilient in order to find the energy to wake up the next day.

See this parent is a single mom with four children. Two of the children are in elementary school, one is in high school, and the oldest is a young adult. This mom has been constantly struggling to make sure that her older children lead the right path in life and learn responsibility, while making sure that the younger children avoid the pitfalls of society. Recently this mom lost her job. An unwanted setback that will end up in a test of her own strength.

As I sat in session with her, I listened. I realized that she has no choice but to be resilient. She can not just give up on herself, because to give up on herself would be to give up on her children. As a single mom she does not have the luxury of taking a year off from life to travel and find herself. She cannot just pick up and move to start life over when life gets tough. She has to keep living through the hard times. She has to keep pushing, have hope, and pray that tomorrow is better than the day before.

As I listened, I felt at a loss for words. I have never been in her shoes. I cannot imagine the hopelessness that she was feeling. But, I was there for her. I did the best job I knew how and,  I attempted to help her remember that she does have to keep going.  I realized that no matter what life gives her, she will never have a simple choice, she has to think about herself and the children. She cannot give up, she keeps going each day, holding on tighter to the feeling that the best is yet to come. She continues to believe and have faith that life will work, and in the end she will come out of it surly being resilient!

What women can do for men: My very own personal ode to the Good Man

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Life, men, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Self Discovery, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

It is sometimes said that “A good man is hard to find”, so when a woman finds a good man, shouldn’t she want to show him and the world that he is a good man?

I recently wrote the blog titled “Chivalry is dead, and MEN killed it”, based on the notion that men have forgotten how to treat a woman while dating, and women have accepted the non nonchalant, sub par, dating behaviors. However, I must truly admit that not all men have killed the art of Chivalry, and the world does have some good men who deserve kindness, care, and the love of a good woman as the perfect addition to their lives.

When I hear women say that there are no good men anymore, I must slightly disagree with that comment. I know many good men, however in the past I have chosen not to date them. That is a fault of my own. While a good man will be right in front of me, I often chose to look to the left and go for the bad boy. With my own growth process, and maturity, I have realized that the bad boys I used to love so much will only leave me with tears, disappointment, and a broken heart that somedays feels like it is still in need of repair.Those good men that I know, are always there to pick up the pieces, watch me cry, and stay with me through the process of healing my heart. Why do they stay? Because the men who I speak of, that I know are good men, actually happen to be some of my closest friends. So when women say, “there are no good men left”, I just think about many of my male friends and say, Yes there still are good men. There are plenty, we just choose not to date them.



So this post is for the women. Women, we say we want a good man, but when we get him, what happens next? Do you know how to treat him? Do you know how to make him feel special? Do you know how to keep him as the most important man in your life?

The true benefit to me having so many male friends, who are ACTUALLY good men is that I am able to learn from them. I am able to hear what they want in a woman, and I am able to generalize some of those ideas into what I can do for a good man. So I decided to make a list of what I can do when I am finally able to get out of my own way, and accept that man who will not be the bad boy, but who will be a good man for me!

Women:

  • This first point should go without saying, everyone wants to feel special and feel appreciated. If you have a good man, he is thinking of a way to put you first, a way to make you smile, and he makes you feel like you are on a pedalstal every second of the day. So why not do the same for him? Make him feel special, show him that he is appreciated for who he is, give him what he actually likes (not what you think he may like, or what both of you like). Just make it be about him, actions speak loud, and if you take yourself out of the equation just for him, he will be sure to notice.
  • This next point I got from a friend of mine who is a truly awesome good man! And while talking to him I came to a simple yet powerful revelation: Try asking your man what you can do for him! You may be dating the good man who seems like he has life all figured out. He has stability, intellect, and a personality like you can never imagine. You may wonder, “Where do I fit in his life ?” or, “What can I do for him because it seems everything is always done ?”, Well JUST ASK! The words, “What can I do for YOU” can go a long way!
  • A good man will not just treat you like you are his number one, he will treat you as the ONLY one! So that means: Women act as if you are the only one, and trust your man! Leave the baggage of the past douche bag in the past, don’t be afraid to let go and love. Trust that he will take care of your heart every step of the way.
  • While the Independent Woman is nice, sometimes a man may also want the Traditional Woman. Honestly I struggle with this one myself. However, I am realizing that a strong man also wants a woman to act like a woman. Don’t be afraid to “Cater to your man” (as said by Destiny’s child). Cooking a nice meal for your man when he gets home from work or waking him up with breakfast, pampering him to make him feel better, and cleaning up the home are ways to show him that you appreciate all he does for you inside and outside of  the home. Make the home a home, so you both can enjoy each other’s company at the end of the day.
  • Attempt to take care of the small stuff, so he can focus on the big things! Men have huge egos! Good men want to feel like they are the protector, taking care of their family, and making sure that all the business is handeled. Women, we all want a happy man, who does not look like he is full of stress every second of the day. So chip in where you can! Take care of what you know you can do without his help. The small tasks inside or outside of the home, let him feel like he is free to handle anything else. With less worry both men and women can be happy!
  • Allow a man to be a man! Don’t be afraid to take the one down approach at times in your relationship.  This is something I personally learned from past relationships. I am a huge talker and love to enter my own opinion whenever I feel necessary. However, there are times when we as women  just need to be quiet and allow a man to figure out things on his own, or make his own mistakes without our input.
  • Give your man space and time with the boys. Nobody wants to be under the constant suffocation of their significant other 24/7,  that is just unhealthy. Allow your good man time with his friends, since he is a good man you don’t have to worry about his friends having a negative impact on him.
  • Allow your man to do things for you. No matter if he wants to cook you dinner (but really can’t boil water), open doors, buy you flowers, or take you out on a romantic date, allow him to show you how much he cares. Don’t blow him off, put your own friends first, or claim you are too tired for him. He is a good man, let his light shine bright in your life.

A good man will inspire you!  Accept his challenging opinions, his motivations for you to do better, and be open to his offers to help you with any aspect of your own life.  A good man will see the two of you as a team, so if he is happy and doing well, he wants to see you equally as happy and doing just as well as him. The good man will not be jealous of your accomplishments, but he will continue to motivate you into a wave of ultimate success. In return do the same for him. A good man has no time for jealousy or envy in a relationship.

  • Finally, Do Not use sex as s a punishment for your man when you are upset. Yeah, just don’t do that.