Category: Self Discovery

In the world of love and relationships not every question is a soup question

On By Jenni C.In Love, men, relationships, Self Discovery, sex, single girl2 Comments

The initial dating or getting to know someone phase of a relationship can be tricky. After the first few dates are there any questions that are completely off-limits, or does the concept of a dating, or semi-maybe-possibly we’re dating relationship equate to an open forum of information between two people? Is taking the no holds bar, all questions are possible approach a good strategy for building your relationship?

When we first get to know someone, we do what is natural, we ask questions (or at least I do).  As I continue to talk to them more questions become relevant, and I get more answers. I hope the answers are truthful.  Yet, what if a question is presented, and I feel the question and the answer is not relevant to moving forward with the relationship? Basically it is a question about the past, and has little to do with the future status of the relationship we may or may not be working on building. Do I  have to answer all the questions, or is there a bit of myself that I can keep for myself?

I am a firm believer in transparency.  As you can tell I hold back little information, I write about my life on a blog. I am not a huge fan of lying, I have found many times that the truth always comes out, so I do my best to avoid the lie. Honesty is less stressful, it helps me to keep a clear conscience. So if I am dating someone, or thinking about a relationship with a new man, I will tell the truth all the way.  So when he asks a question, I hope he is prepared for the answer. If the question is asked I have an answer, but I wonder are some questions just blatantly inappropriate to be asking in the first place?

For instance,  when it comes to the issue of sex and past sexual relationships, are detailed questions about a persons sexual past necessary to ask. Now I am not talking about questions like when was the last time you had an STD test, or do you currently have an STD? That I want to know, and if intimacy is to be had, that conversation should be had.  Let’s be honest, HIV is real and I don’t want you to kill me. HPV is more widespread than ever, and herpes is on the rise (I don’t care how happy those people look on the Valtrex commercial). So, if we need to talk about STD tests, yes I want to have  that conversation. That conversation I will bring up myself.

However other questions appear less relevant,  such as how many people have you slept with, or when was the last time you had sex? Are those need- to- know questions if you are not actually in a relationship with someone?  If you are in a relationship does the basis of your relationship change if you know how many people your partner has been with in his or her past?  Are those questions ever OK? If it happened in the past, is it so wrong to leave the past right there.

I say this because I have had men  ask me those very questions, they weren’t even my boyfriend, I was still trying to determine if they were good enough to be boyfriend potential.  I have also heard of men asking other women those questions. To some women (or men) in this situation who get asked those particular questions the saying, “Ask me questions and I will tell you no lies” may come into play. Since I like transparency I will give an honest answer. I give an honest answer for two reasons, number 1: my sex life is nothing I am ashamed of, and number 2: at this point we haven’t reached the point of being in a solid exclusive relationship, I would like any man who wants to know me, to know me for who I am.  Would I ever think those questions are relevant? No.

Some men will be quick to judge a woman by how many men she has slept with in the past. That I will never understand. If he has had previous sexual encounter, why would he expect for her to have a whole lot less sexual encounters of her own. I know men are glorified by their sexual experience, and women are labeled as a slut or hoe if she has too much sexual experience (still not sure who determines exactly what is too much, but oh well). That standard really needs to change. Newsflash to all men: Women are having sex, and they like it!  Sorry men, unless you are number 1, anything after that really doesn’t matter. Start from where you are at in your new relationship and go from there.  If you have expectations for a committed monogamous relationship then state it. Be assured with from that day forward  you will be the only man she is sleeping with, all those other men are non factors. If you want to know the last time she had sex before she was exclusive with you take a moment, breathe, then ask yourself, “Why is this important for me to know”? Continue with,”What what answer am I already expecting”? Trust me, the actual answer will probably be vastly different from the one you are expecting, so then again say to yourself, “Why is this important to me”? How would you feel if she asked you the same question? Would you be honest?

In relationships, yes, many questions should be asked, and truthful answers need to be given. When talking about intimacy and sexual health, it should be an open forum for a conversation between two people. When talking about past sexual relationships that is usually a tricky grey area. It would help to keep the questions relevant, don’t assume the answer will make you feel good about yourself. The answer may be shocking. It may hurt.  Expect the truth. If the truth scares you, then next time be careful about the questions you ask. The best relationships start with honesty and an open mind. Everyone has a past, but new relationships work best when they are focused on the present, and plans are made for the future.

Have you ever been asked a question when starting a brand new relationship that you just really did not want to answer?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

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29 and counting….wow 30 is almost here

On By Jenni C.In Life, Self Discovery, Turning 302 Comments

Less than two months away from turning 30! We are down to the final stretch, and enter panic mode. Well I guess that is what is supposed to happen. I have been contemplating what I should actually do for my 30th birthday. How do you celebrate the Big 3-0, what should I do to kick off this new decade of life? I want the next 10 years of life to be my best 10 years of  life, how can I make that happen? Sure, I am possibly over thinking this turning 30 thing a little bit too much. There is nothing I can do to stop it from happening, it will happen no matter how much I kick, scream, and cry. Its life. You get older, live with it, the end.

I recently thought that I would like to have a blow out party, that would deter me from having my very own pity party. If I have a semi real party, with actual people, maybe that will ease the torment of thinking about what life is actually like at 30. I want to still have fun at 30. I actually want to have more fun than ever before. So in my mind an awesome 30th birthday would be something that includes throwing a major party at Tao in Las Vegas, with streamers, a huge cake, and a well known DJ. It would be something like umm, Kim Kardashian’s 30th birthday. Ok, I know I am not Kim Kardashian, and I do not have anywhere near Kardashian money so a club party in Vegas will not be an option. Well at least not for this year, maybe next year we can shoot for that option.

So what is a good way to bring in your 30th birthday! I want to do something that matches my personality. I am 30 and the world is my playground. I live in the boundaries of very few limitations. I see myself on a path to extraordinary. What type of event expresses that notion? Do I go for a grown and sexy vibe, or do I go for a young and free vibe? Honestly, I really wish I had someone to plan a party and I just show up. I am not a party planner. I have a new idea for my life everyday, so obviously I will have a new idea everyday on ways to celebrate this overdramatized  milestone of my 30th birthday. I am not the first person in the world to turn 30 but, it is the first and only time turning 30 will happen to me. I owe it to myself to make it a memorable experience, who knows when the next memorable experience will happen to me.

I have less than two months to enjoy my last days in my twenties. Some people want to be married by the time they are 30. If I was one of those people then I would have to hurry up and find a husband real quick. But I am not. I never really thought of what it was going to be like when I turned 30, well not until I turned 29. Then 30 was hitting me in the head hard, I was forced to create an image of what life is like at 30. Soon enough I will find out for real. So what should I do to celebrate my 30th birthday? Should I go over the way of full on party, or low key and relaxed? Whatever I do, I sure hope it is fun.

Any ideas on how to celebrate the big 3-0?

 

 

Positive thoughts, positive ideas, positive experiences

Life Happens: Be ready for the changes

On By Jenni C.In 2012, Finding meaning, Life, memories, New Year, random, Self Discovery, self help1 Comment

Life happens quick, watch out for the changes.

In a week 2011 will be over. What the heck happened to the last 365 days? I am having a hard time grasping the fact that it is already December 24, 2011. I feel like I missed something. Maybe an entire year of life.

I  feel as if  I grew a lot this year. Even though I did not have any major life changing accomplishments in 2011, I feel vastly different from this time last year. Recently, I have had an immense feeling of excitement, and inspiration. Normally I would blame that feeling on the super large amount of caffeine I intake each day, or  possibly a sudden passing moment of mania because I have labeled myself as having bipolar moments every so often. But no, this time the excitement is different. I feel like I am ready for what’s next. Does that mean I am ready for 2012? Maybe. As with every year-end we often say, “next year is going to be my year”.  Or the cliched, “next year is going to different”.  I am not hoping for so much to change, however, I have a feeling that 2012 will be my breakout year.

In therapy, we often talk about stages of change with clients while doing motivational interviewing.  The stages go from  pre-contemplation, to contemplation, to preparation, to action, to maintenance, to relapse (well its an addiction counseling modeling actually, hence the relapse), but I always think that the concept of the model can be translated to any change in life. Over the past few years I have been going through my cycle of change, and I would say from 2010-2011 I moved from contemplation to preparation (everything before that was pre-contemplation). In 2012 I will be ready for action. I am ready to act on the ideas that have been processing in my mind, follow my path, and show the world my purpose. Does this sound a little manic? Well yeah maybe, but if you are going to have a dream, be sure to make that dream big.

Even though I did little in 2011, I grew a lot. It’s funny because when I think about the last three years since I have been in Hawaii, I feel like I grew up more than I have in my entire life. Excuse me while I sound a bit cheesy, but I have truly gained understanding and clarity. With insight comes a sense of peace, and life will be just fine. Everyone I have met has had an impact on my life, and I am finally starting to realize why I needed to be where I am, why I needed to meet the people who have entered my life, and what I am capable of doing next. The future used to scare me, now I wake up excited to enjoy the present.  No one can predict life, it is filled with uncertainty. The uncertainty makes it all the more interesting.

Normally I would end the year by feeling sad that another year has passed me by, I would want time to slow down. I will end 2011 with acceptance that the year is coming to a close, grateful for all that I have learned, and excited that I am fully prepared for whatever may come my way.

Life changes quick, be prepared for the changes.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

Self Reflection: A letter to my 7th grade self

On By Jenni C.In Finding meaning, Goals, Moving, Self Discovery2 Comments

I hated Junior High School. It sucked. Even in times where the drama of current life appears to look like  Junior High extended drama, I am so happy that I will never have to return to Junior High.

I am very appreciative that I was able to endure the Intermediate school experience long before the days  Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, and You Tube.  What happened in school, had to stay in school, and the past was stuck in the past.  Far before the days of cell phones and text messages, if you didn’t have my home phone number, then there was  no reaching me.  In essence, maybe I did go to Junior High School at the right time. Because,  if I went today I know for sure it would really suck.

I say all that to focus on my present day self-reflection. I reflect on my Intermediate school days because it was a period that encompassed the height of childhood confusion. Particularly 7th Grade.  Why 7th grade? As with most kids who are in Intermediate school you are stuck in between two worlds. In 7th grade I was 11 turning 12. Too old to be considered a true kid, like in elementary school, and too young to be a real teenager. I had responsibility, but not the responsibility I wanted. In my current job I have clients who are 12. At 12 life is rough. Adults don’t understand why it is so hard, and kids wonder if it will ever get easier.  At 12, developmentally you go through a stage where you want to fit in, you want to be liked,  your body is starting to change, life is starting to change, and then you realize you have no idea how to just be 12.

In exactly 3 months from today I will be 30. So as I reflect back on what I have learned from life thus far, I have some very profound advice that I would tell my 12-year-old self. Here is my opportunity in a letter to my 7th grade self:

Dear Jennifer,

Right now seventh grade seems like it is one of the toughest school years of your life. Yeah, up to this point it is. It’s different from the other school years, everyone is growing up and you find yourself struggling to keep up. It was easy when you could just play with dolls and your mom would drive you to school. But now you have to take the city bus, and hanging out watching with friends while watching music videos has become the cool thing to do. It may seem hard now however,  life gets harder after the seventh grade. But, don’t worry you will be just fine you will be prepared for it.

You know that shyness that you have, that makes it difficult for you to speak up in class or talk to new people. Though you will always secretly be shy, you will enjoy talking to new people. Along the way you will discover that you just have an introverted personality, and sometimes shyness is not so bad.  You will be able to express yourself just fine, and you will learn to love that you have an introverted personality with extroverted tendencies.

Although you hate the way you way you look right now, and think you look like a child compared to the other girls in your class, you actually look just fine. You look like a normal 12-year-old. It is not so bad that your parents keep you sheltered and they won’t spend money for you to keep up with clothes that are in fashion. Well, your parents want to protect you from the city streets, and everything else dangerous. Don’t be angry with her mom because she won’t let you take the bus to Jamaica Avenue with your friends, or ride the subway into the city. When you are able to do that you will realize that it is not that fun. Your days of wanting to wear baggy jeans, and stealing your brother’s clothes will be short lived once the style changes. Though it seems impossible now, you will eventually love to wear tight jeans (even if they do stop you from breathing).

Eventually your mother will allow you to relax your hair, you actually may want to keep your hair natural for a while. You don’t realize it now, but your hair is perfect the way it is. It is strong and healthy without chemicals, no need to rush on getting a relaxer. You will also be able to eventually do your own hair without your mother’s help, you will learn it’s not that hard to blow dry and curl.

You hate wearing glasses, and hate being refered to as “the girl with the glasses”. You don’t understand why your mother won’t let you just wear contacts. Well eventually she will let you wear contacts, and despite what she says you wont get an infection in your eyes and you wont go blind just from wearing contacts. However, soon enough you will also appreciate wearing your glasses more too. Glasses will become a fashion statement.  So no matter if you are wearing glasses or contacts it won’t matter,  you will still look like you.

I know some days you can’t stand your own body type, and wish you looked different. You wish your skin was lighter, your hair was straighter, and that you could be a few pounds thinner. Well you look the way you do for a good reason. You look just fine the way you are. You are beautiful, and in a few years you will actually believe that. You feel overdeveloped thinking your breast are too big, and you wish your hips would shrink down over night. In a few years these will be your favorite assets. You will love your body because to have curves is to  be beautiful. Your body will adjust itself, and you will love the result. One day you will feel sexy, so just be you for today.  You walk with your head down now, but you will learn to hold it high.

Currently you have an English teacher who you consider to be a major bitch. You assume that she hates you. You don’t understand why she is always so evil, and why every assignment you turn in you get a C. You constantly wonder what you have to do for this lady to get just one A!  Well let me tell you, she gives you a C because that is the grade you deserve. Your won’t understand her purpose in your life for another 8-10 years but she is teaching you to do better. You need her in your life. This teacher sees the potential in your writing that you can no way possibly see in yourself. She doesn’t let you get by easy because she knows your true ability.  The result of all those C papers you earned; well, you are able to excel at AP English during your senior year of highschool because she secretly taught you how to write with a voice. You breeze through college English with no problem and, you finally earn that A that you didn’t deserve in 7th grade.  When you publish your first novel you should probably send her a personalized thank you note, because she saw ability in you that you were years away from seeing for yourself.  Just think, if she gives you that A, she will set you up to struggle with writing  for the rest of your life.

You’re a smart girl kiddo. Even though some kids may consider you a nerd right now, in adulthood it is actually cool to be a nerd. See when the country goes into a recession, the nerds will be the people who have jobs contacting them to work, while many other people are out looking for work.  Keep studying, you have plenty of time to do everything else. One day you will be able to laugh at your own quirks, and your flaws are what make you different from everyone else. Your sarcastic and witty, keep that. A good sense of humor comes in handy when life gets rough.

Your friendships come and go. Lucky for you, you meet one of your best friends in seventh grade. You have other  friends, but you are not always sure if you should trust them.  The friends that you have now will not be your friends for the rest of your life. However, you will gain some pretty awesome friends along the way. Through high school and college you will meet friends who will change your life. Don’t be afraid to trust them, they are good people, I promise. You will gain friends who care about you more than you sometimes care about yourself. They will be there to catch you when you fall and, when you cry they know exactly how to make you smile. Though some experiences will be crazy to  say the least, it will be well worth it.

Although it seems that boys don’t like you now, and you wonder if you will ever have a boyfriend, don’t worry about that. You are 12! The boys who make fun of you now, will be the same boys who want to date you in 10 years. You have plenty of time to have boyfriends and date. You will even get to date the cute boys! You will go out on more dates than you ever really wanted to in your entire life. Then suddenly you will realize dating is not that fun. There will be plenty of  boys who like you, so you  can be picky about who you date. Never settle, you’re better than that. You will fall in love, fall out of love, and do it all over again. And even though the relationships don’t end in happily ever after, you will be Ok.  There is a reason for that. You will learn that you love being in love. You are emotional, so naturally you love hard. That can be a gift and a curse.  When you do love, you will fall in love with a man who will also be your best friend for the time that he is in your life. You will teach him how to love, he will teach you what it is really like to be in love. When that relationship dies, you will learn to grow into the woman you were meant to be. With maturity and time, you learn more about yourself,   more about life, and so much more about love, than you can ever imagine. When your close to 30, you will suddenly realize that your story is really just beginning.

Finally, Listen to your mother when she talks. Listen hard even when her conversations are long and drawn out. Her fears are only there to protect you. Don’t let her fears become your fears. During the times when you think she is not supportive of you, she is still proud of you. She realizes more than anyone that you march to the beat of your own drum.  When you grow up she will be a friend to you, you will have fun with her, and amazingly be able to laugh and talk with her. She is smart, she has lived,  she only wants to help you avoid making mistakes. You dream of being a doctor, but then you realize you hate college math classes, and those science classes do nothing more than put you to sleep. You will find a career path where you feel you are a true natural . Once you find it, you can’t see yourself doing anything else. You will eventually love your job, and realize that you are an important vessel in changing the lives of others.

You will make mistakes, actually you will make a lot of mistakes. Do not have regrets about anything you do, every mistake comes with a valuable lesson learned, and a new opportunity to grow. Live your best life, leave the past in the past, the future will take care of itself, just  focus on the present.

By the way, you may want to tell your parents to start saving for college, because you are going to go to college. My best advice: Avoid student loans!

At the age of 12 life seems boring, and it is. You can’t do much. One day it will get a whole lot better. You have an imagination that extends far beyond living in Queens for the rest of your life. You have a desire to see more, to do more, and eventually you will find a way. You will walk a path that is personalized just for you. Keep that imagination, use it wisely, it will take you to paces you currently only dream about. One day you will truly be a free spirit, you can go anywhere, anytime you want. The world is your sandbox, go play.

Love,

Jennifer (age 29 going on 30)
What advice would you give to the 7th grade version of you?

My Much Overdue Dating Fast

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Love, men, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, single girlLeave a comment

Quick life update:

For the first time in what seems like a very long time I am not actively dating anyone. Wow, feels weird. Well not really. I have achieved some mental clarity (took long enough). I had wanted to take a dating fast for some time now because I felt I was at a point where I was dating without purpose. What do I mean by that? Well I was just dating guys to just to go out fun. It was an activity that mainly filled up my nights and weekends. At first glance, I had a feeling that I wouldn’ t be completely interested in these men, because they did not measure up to someone who I would see myself with on a  long-term basis. At second glance,  they still did not seem that way either.

In came my dating fast. Why was it so difficult to take a dating fast? Well, because there are men everywhere. Chances are if you are single, then you will eventually come across a man to ask you out. When asked out  for dinner or a movie, I would say yes. That yes was on the hopes that I would get meaningful conversation, or a good laugh, but no it never turned out that way. Suddenly dating, just became a waste of precious time. The experience was more pain than pleasure.

Since my dating fast, my life is feeling more refreshed than ever. I feel surrounded by positive energy, and positive thoughts. I’m at a point of happy with purpose.

Accomplishment as a result of my dating fast:

  • I have lost 7-8 pounds. A quick decrease in movie popcorn, eating out at restaurants, and late night appetizers does wonders for your diet. I have also been able to stick to a regular workout routine, no interruptions, or over exhaustion.
  • I am all caught up on my work, most times I am even finished early. No minor distractions of text messages or phone calls to attend to
  • I no longer feel obligated to do things  like go out on dates, when I really don’t want to.
  • I have been able to spend more time with my friends, no thinking about ways to split hours in the day.
  • I am learning to incorporate a regular sleep pattern into my life. Who knew 8 hours of sleep could make a world of difference in the morning.
  • I have also been able to develop ideas that have been sitting in my head. I have time! This is great!
  • Finally, I have been able to think about and, admit to myself the qualities that I truly desire in a man. I have realized the type of man who I want in my life  and who I should share my time with. I no longer have to spend time, dating just to date. I can date just the men who truly have the potential to be more than just a first date.

 

 

Positive thoughts, Positive energy, Positive experiences

You are powerful beyond measure, now just believe it

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Life, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self helpLeave a comment

Marriane Williamson states : “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.”

Those words are inspiring, yet so scary. To think “I AM POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE.” What a frightening thought. I write this as I enter into a new stage of life. One that will require some creative risks, but also one that can lead me on a path to a better concept of my success. However, when I think of what I am able to accomplish I hesitate to move forward. I doubt my own abilities. I become too stuck to try, and fear the mistakes along the way. Then I say, what’s the point of living if you’re not going to make mistakes. Without those mistakes there is no room to grow. I told myself a long time ago that I want to live. I want to live my life, my best life. Currently I am standing in my own way.

“Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.” I find myself reciting that sentence in my head throughout each second of the day. It is a constant reminder that God has a plan that is so much greater than the plan I have for myself. I am gifted, I am talented. I fear my own talents. With fear I am not living.

To grow you must  leap, to live you must not be afraid to fly. The saying “To fail is not to try”, also comes to me. My light shines bright, my task: follow it and become that powerful being that is my purpose.

 

Positive thoughts, Positive energy, Positive experiences

 

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