Quick life update: In 2012 I have returned to dating.
One thing Hawaii is not lacking is available men to date. Now as for high quality available men, that is a different story. This is one situation where quantity is not better than quality. However I must deal with it, roll with the punches, and perhaps one day a true high quality man will enter into my existence. As for now, well back to the dating scene.
Dating is a tricky situation at times. I am obviously not going to have a connection with everyone I date. However, sometimes even if there is no possible chance of having a love connection, I would like to think that I can at least make a new friend from the situation. Can men and women ever just be friends, or does that notion leave universal existence after we graduate from elementary school?
I hear it a lot from my male friends that no guy ever wants to be friendzoned. Yet, I have met many of my male friends in my adult life, and we have successfully managed to have a platonic relationship up until this point (well with most of them at least). Men usually tell me that no girl is really just a friend, they are just waiting for that one opportunity to hook up. They sit back and wait patiently, play the friendship role, but if the opportunity is there to cross the line, then they are ready to jump. It becomes hard to have friends of the opposite sex if all they are waiting for is that one lonely moment where you will hook up.
Well I learned that lesson this past weekend. During one of my past adventures in the world of online dating , I met a man who I knew we would not work in a relationship, however he would better fit in my life as a friend. We hung out a few times, and never hooked up. There were no hidden messages as we were truly just friends. Or so I thought. See, I am as transparent as possible when it comes to dating, so I informed him that we will only be friends and I’ll show him fun things around the island. I am always ready to make a new friend, and he agreed to the situation that presented itself at the start of our friendship. Over the next few weeks, we went out sparingly and he would tell me about females that he was dating, I gave him relationship advice. I had no problem with that, that’s what friends do, discuss everything including relationships right? I was under the impression that we would just continue to be friends, apparently he was under the impression that we would eventually have more than friendship. What went wrong here?
On New Year’s Eve we went to a party in Honolulu. As he began to drink the questions started to come out. The questions, such as why was I single? I answered as honestly as possible. “Since I am dating for a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, I have high standards for the men I date. I know what type of man I want, and I just have not met him yet. ” He was offended by that response. To me it was nothing against him, it was the truth. Apparently he felt like he was not good enough for me. He was only good enough to be in the friendzone.
I made a horrible attempt to explain to him that I want and need a man in my life who is stable, secure in life, strong in his career. Someone who already has the basics of what he wants, and is now working on ways to move forward. Someone who has accomplished goals, and has the determination to keep going. Not to say to him that he won’t be that man, however he is not there right now. He is just not the right man for me. He is a friend.
When I put him in the friendzone, I left him to question his own inadequacy in relationships. I may have tested his manhood. I made him question why he was not good enough. Though that was not my intention, those were the results. I felt guilty. I will take the blame, because perhaps I did lead him on by allowing him to enter my life as a friend knowing I would never want anything more. What happens next is up to him. I will still be a friend if he is willing to remain in that zone. If he wants to end communication with me, then I will understand that also. Adult life is so much more complicated than elementary school. Is it ever possible for men and women to just remain in the friendzone?
Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!
2 thoughts on “Friendzone: Is it really as bad as it sounds?”
Excellent post again! I can “remain” friends with married females but unmarried females not so much. I have a friend who kids me because I can’t just have female friends because he does. I have developed a new approach to dating it might work for you. Instead of “dating” which implies “you know what possibly”, I just hang out with females. No pressure, no expectations, no sex. If I want more, than I commit and go from there.
I like that approach, no pressure, no expectations just seeing if you can build a friendship and go from there. I am open for whatever if we just stay friends I am great with that, if more happens than at least it will happen naturally.