Category: dating

What women can do for men: My very own personal ode to the Good Man

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Life, men, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Self Discovery, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

It is sometimes said that “A good man is hard to find”, so when a woman finds a good man, shouldn’t she want to show him and the world that he is a good man?

I recently wrote the blog titled “Chivalry is dead, and MEN killed it”, based on the notion that men have forgotten how to treat a woman while dating, and women have accepted the non nonchalant, sub par, dating behaviors. However, I must truly admit that not all men have killed the art of Chivalry, and the world does have some good men who deserve kindness, care, and the love of a good woman as the perfect addition to their lives.

When I hear women say that there are no good men anymore, I must slightly disagree with that comment. I know many good men, however in the past I have chosen not to date them. That is a fault of my own. While a good man will be right in front of me, I often chose to look to the left and go for the bad boy. With my own growth process, and maturity, I have realized that the bad boys I used to love so much will only leave me with tears, disappointment, and a broken heart that somedays feels like it is still in need of repair.Those good men that I know, are always there to pick up the pieces, watch me cry, and stay with me through the process of healing my heart. Why do they stay? Because the men who I speak of, that I know are good men, actually happen to be some of my closest friends. So when women say, “there are no good men left”, I just think about many of my male friends and say, Yes there still are good men. There are plenty, we just choose not to date them.



So this post is for the women. Women, we say we want a good man, but when we get him, what happens next? Do you know how to treat him? Do you know how to make him feel special? Do you know how to keep him as the most important man in your life?

The true benefit to me having so many male friends, who are ACTUALLY good men is that I am able to learn from them. I am able to hear what they want in a woman, and I am able to generalize some of those ideas into what I can do for a good man. So I decided to make a list of what I can do when I am finally able to get out of my own way, and accept that man who will not be the bad boy, but who will be a good man for me!

Women:

  • This first point should go without saying, everyone wants to feel special and feel appreciated. If you have a good man, he is thinking of a way to put you first, a way to make you smile, and he makes you feel like you are on a pedalstal every second of the day. So why not do the same for him? Make him feel special, show him that he is appreciated for who he is, give him what he actually likes (not what you think he may like, or what both of you like). Just make it be about him, actions speak loud, and if you take yourself out of the equation just for him, he will be sure to notice.
  • This next point I got from a friend of mine who is a truly awesome good man! And while talking to him I came to a simple yet powerful revelation: Try asking your man what you can do for him! You may be dating the good man who seems like he has life all figured out. He has stability, intellect, and a personality like you can never imagine. You may wonder, “Where do I fit in his life ?” or, “What can I do for him because it seems everything is always done ?”, Well JUST ASK! The words, “What can I do for YOU” can go a long way!
  • A good man will not just treat you like you are his number one, he will treat you as the ONLY one! So that means: Women act as if you are the only one, and trust your man! Leave the baggage of the past douche bag in the past, don’t be afraid to let go and love. Trust that he will take care of your heart every step of the way.
  • While the Independent Woman is nice, sometimes a man may also want the Traditional Woman. Honestly I struggle with this one myself. However, I am realizing that a strong man also wants a woman to act like a woman. Don’t be afraid to “Cater to your man” (as said by Destiny’s child). Cooking a nice meal for your man when he gets home from work or waking him up with breakfast, pampering him to make him feel better, and cleaning up the home are ways to show him that you appreciate all he does for you inside and outside of  the home. Make the home a home, so you both can enjoy each other’s company at the end of the day.
  • Attempt to take care of the small stuff, so he can focus on the big things! Men have huge egos! Good men want to feel like they are the protector, taking care of their family, and making sure that all the business is handeled. Women, we all want a happy man, who does not look like he is full of stress every second of the day. So chip in where you can! Take care of what you know you can do without his help. The small tasks inside or outside of the home, let him feel like he is free to handle anything else. With less worry both men and women can be happy!
  • Allow a man to be a man! Don’t be afraid to take the one down approach at times in your relationship.  This is something I personally learned from past relationships. I am a huge talker and love to enter my own opinion whenever I feel necessary. However, there are times when we as women  just need to be quiet and allow a man to figure out things on his own, or make his own mistakes without our input.
  • Give your man space and time with the boys. Nobody wants to be under the constant suffocation of their significant other 24/7,  that is just unhealthy. Allow your good man time with his friends, since he is a good man you don’t have to worry about his friends having a negative impact on him.
  • Allow your man to do things for you. No matter if he wants to cook you dinner (but really can’t boil water), open doors, buy you flowers, or take you out on a romantic date, allow him to show you how much he cares. Don’t blow him off, put your own friends first, or claim you are too tired for him. He is a good man, let his light shine bright in your life.

A good man will inspire you!  Accept his challenging opinions, his motivations for you to do better, and be open to his offers to help you with any aspect of your own life.  A good man will see the two of you as a team, so if he is happy and doing well, he wants to see you equally as happy and doing just as well as him. The good man will not be jealous of your accomplishments, but he will continue to motivate you into a wave of ultimate success. In return do the same for him. A good man has no time for jealousy or envy in a relationship.

  • Finally, Do Not use sex as s a punishment for your man when you are upset. Yeah, just don’t do that.

Chivalry is dead, And MEN killed it!!!!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Hawaii, Life, men, New York, relationships, Self Discovery, single girl, Twenties4 Comments

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I HATE dating. And if you read the previous blog titled Ahhhhh Dating Sucks, you would completely understand why. I would like to think of myself as the self proclaimed Anti-Dater! What some may call dates, I call hanging out, or kickin it. I find those to be safer terms without the pressure of worrying about the label of what we are actually doing.

Lately I have been hearing a lot of guys quote Dave Chappelle with the infamous line “Chilvary is dead, and women killed it”. Really? Then it came to me, that is just an excuse for men to throw the actions of chivalry out the window. What happened to true old school dating. Dates with EFFORT!!! Somewhere along in time men stopped opening doors, stopped picking  up women up for dates, and stopped wanting to impress.  Women, sadly we have accepted this as the norm, and go with it for fear that we will not find better.

So I came up with the quote “Men became lazy, and women accepted it”, now that seems like a more realistic standpoint to me.

What do I mean by that? Well it seems that dating has changed so much over time, men are throwing out the bare minium to get sex from a woman and it has become acceptable because they are getting what they want.

Please don’t ask me to come to your house to watch a DVD and eat pizza as a first date!  I don’t want to see your house, hang out on your couch, and no I will not end up in your bed at the end of the night!

So you may not be able to afford to take a woman on a date that consists of going anywhere outside of your living room.

Disclaimer: If you cannot afford to take me out, Don’t Ask!!! Simple! Ok now before you start writing hate mails or call me a gold digger,  let me explain:

I understand we are in hard times, a recession is happening amongst us. Got it. So men, its time to bring out your creative minds and do something different. Why not have a really cool date on a budget. Think outside of the boring box of dinner and a movie. I have lived in New York and Hawaii, two of the most expensive cities in the nation.  I will tell you men, you can date on a budget. Hawaii has plenty of free beaches and tons of mountains to hike. NY has a free parks,  Central Park has summer stage, and really inexpensive ice skating in the winter. So will a little creativity before going on a date kill you? Probably not, so lets put it into play!

I think I have a million “WTF”, “funny as all heck”, “can you believe that some men really do this?” dating stories. Unfortunately I can’t write them all down here because instead of a blog, I would have a book. But I do want to share my very own list of what men should not do on a date. Hopefully this will help in the second birth of chivalry, and women will stop accepting the effortless date.

So Men Please:

  • Don’t pick up a woman then blast the radio so loud in the car that you are blowing out her ear drums. Besides, that leaves no room for conversation, and I don’t want to hear that you think you are a better singer than R. Kelly, or you know that you can rap better than Drake.
  • Don’t invite a date to a movie, and then act like you are going to go broke if you have to buy popcorn, a drink, and a hot dog. Therefore, you walk at expeditiously high speeds to avoid the concession stand. That tactic is for the high school kids, and I really hope that if you are over the age of 18 your mother is not giving you a weekly allowance to take a girl to a movie. Please Don’t complain about how much food at the movies costs, (we all know it is expensive). And PLEASE don’t start to eat the one hot dog you bought for your date because she asked (and you were too cheap to buy one for yourself), then say “well I paid for it”!
  • Don’t make her finish all the food on her plate, or finish all her drink just because it cost you money! Really, that is just tacky.
  • Don’t be cheap when taking a girl out on a date. Obviously you like this girl, and you want to show her that she can be important to you. It doesn’t have to be a lavish date, but if you are working with a budget, plan the date. If you make the plans based on what you can’t afford then you don’t have to worry about this girl breaking your pockets. Be Creative!!!!
  • Don’t constantly plan group dates with all your friends. Look I am a pretty social person, and love meeting new people. But how am I going to get to know you if  time is always being split between getting to know you and getting to know your friends?
  • PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!! This one goes for girls and guys. Don’t go on a date and send text messages, check your email, or answer unnecessary phone calls. That is just rude! I hate when a man answers the phone on a date and says, “Yo what up man, let me call you back, I’m on a date with shorty right now”. Unless someone is dying or injured, put your voicemail to good use.
  • Which leads to my next point, Please do not address a woman as “shorty” or “ma”. If your are over 24 then you are too old for that (and i think 24 is pushing the age).
  • I know we live in the age of social networking, so if you’re a hardcore player in the social network game then you may be tempted to advertise your date on facebook or twitter. DON’T DO IT! Look you would not call 800 of your non-closest friends and let them know that you just went on a date from your own personal hell. So don’t open it up on the internet. Trust me it’s a small world out there, and you never knows who knows who.
  • Don’t assume if you are invited over after the date, that you are also invited to spend the night. Feel the vibe out, have fun with your date, and please know when to go home!
  • Do not be afraid to open all doors, pull out her chair, or appear to be genuinely interested in her, it helps, and women pay close attention to the small things.

MEN:  Lets bring back the art of chivalry, don’t let it just die. Lets embrace the rebirth of chivalry! Right now it is hanging on due to the life support from the good men, but with all men it can have vibrant everlasting life.

WOMEN: Lets accept the chivalry of men that show it and, show men that we do appreciate them, and we also appreciate the effort when they think outside the box and strive to be different.

My letter to ABC: Can we add diversity to the Bachelor?

On By Jenni C.In ABC, Bachelor/Bachelorette, dating, Network television5 Comments

Rant Blog:

Dear ABC network,

Why is the Bachelor/Bachelorette so white bread? No really why is it so extremely white bread? I just don’t understand. Do you not realize that there are people of color who exist in this country, so how come a minority is yet to be chosen as the next Bachelor or Bachelorette?

Bachelorette,_The

I saw the advertisement saying to apply if I want to be on the show, but why do I have the strong sense that I will not be picked because I am an African American female? Now, now  I am not trying to call your station racist by any means, although there are plenty of racial undertones for the lack of minority presence on your network  however, I would like to just see a person of color actually have a chance at love too. I understand what your argument may be, you have the token black girl for the bachelor every once in a while who never makes it past the first few rose ceremonies or, you throw in one or two Hispanic girls to play the role of the sexy Latina.  Sure that is all well and great, but can minorities please stop being the token, and play the lead role. Sure Ali chose Roberto, well it’s a good thing she likes Hispanic men. But really he was one out of how many Hispanic men have been on this show in all the seasons?

I will admit, I am not an avid watcher of the Bachelor or the Bachelorette, and it may because every season is like the one before, except names a faces change.  ABC network, a touch of diversity will not kill the show.

Sure you may have your hesitations, understandable.  VH1 does a good job of exploiting the roles of African American’s looking for love, and I am sure the madness you must have witnessed on Flava of Love, or I Love New York doesn’t help the cause of having an African American Bachelor/Bachelorette on a reputable network such as yours. But I can assure you ABC, there are a plethora of very smart, talented, goal oriented, African American and Hispanic individuals who can play the lead role, and even live in a house together without your show turning into the theme show for all things ghetto. Minorities do have an equal amount of class as White Americans, and can keep the dignity of your network if the opportunity is given in the appropriate manner.

So ABC, take a minute to think about it, diversity! Now I know the next Bachelor will probably be one of the men whom Ali sent home, so he will be another White man. But at least attempt to change things up a bit, add some more African American or Hispanic women. Please more than just the token one or two that are there to mask your hidden underlying form of racism. Let’s really show that America is diverse and give other ethnicities and chance to find love on the Bachelor/Bachelorette.

And hey if your ratings go down at least you took a chance to show America something different.

THE BACHELOR: ON THE WINGS OF LOVE -

Things I now know at 28, Just because I wasn’t paying attention at 27

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, New York, Paradise, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, Twenties, UncategorizedLeave a comment
MY BFF Dana and I on my 28th Birthday!!!

So I had a birthday! Last month, on March 19th to be exact I turned 28. Or as some people like to say…30 minus 2. Lets count it down!!!  But I’ll just say 28 for now.

It took me a while to really start to feel my brand spanking new age,  and say out loud that I am being pushed into becoming a year older, which is why it took me a month to post this blog.  Yes people I am 28! No longer can I claim ignorance as an excuse when I really just want to get wasted and pass out in some strange place. Nope I know better now, and I am not allowed to engage in my old college girl acts of random, crazy, fun!

Since turning 28 I don’t feel any different from when I was 27. But I feel a huge difference from age 18!  I now sit and watch CNN…OH NO!!! And I actually turn on Fox news, (as I wait for the day that that network will suddenly disappear),  just to see what nonsense, or new socialist theory Glenn Beck would like to rant on today. I am starting to think the Real World on MTV is not good television anymore, maybe because I am now too old to ever be a cast member. Actually, the only good show on MTV is 16 and pregnant. That is because I like to watch the unrealistic ways these girls think they can manage their lives and a newborn at the same time.  Now that is good television! Oh and the cast of the Jersey Shore will always be a bunch of idiots in my head. But I do wonder where they will be in 5 years…hmmm.

I understand that life means real responsibility, and every choice I make falls on me. No bail out for me! At 28 I have felt the joys and disappointment of love, and I still continue to move forward on the journey of learning more about love, life, career, and everything else that comes along with being 28 (Or the prepping phase for 30).

28,  in my late twenties, officially. The point where women start to get really anxious about being 30 and alone. No kids, No husband, Oh no, will I be myself forever!! No I don’t have those feelings just yet, I still feel great being just me, but I am clearly making a mental note to myself not to settle for a fool! I remember I am better than that, and settling will lead to eventual unhappiness.

So here is a brief list of things that I now know at 28, that maybe I didn’t want to accept at 27, but life is about reality right?

  • I will probably never hit the lotto to become rich quick
  • I will probably never marry a rich millionaire athlete or movie star (I think I am too old now, LOL)
  • A retirement account is a good thing to have
  • Being on reality TV is not exactly the best way to become famous
  • Bad days do not last forever, and a even greater day will be coming soon!
  • Love does not happen in a day
  • I will have to compromise in any relationship I am in
  • Men do like women who cook
  • Men like to be pampered as much as women do
  • Dating younger guys isn’t necessarily a bad thing
  • It is ok to date guys who have reached the age of 40 without thinking he is an old ass man, and the fact that he likes me is repulsive
  • It is perfectly fine to date outside of my race ( sorry black men, but can some of you please step your game up!)
  • If I want something in life, then I will have to work to get it (damn it!)
  • It is a great thing to budget your money
  • I can survive on my own
  • I will get married to an awesome guy, who will also be my best friend
  • I will never ever get back together with my ex because he is worse than a total jerk!  (hey that is really good to know!)

I am excited to see what life has in store for me at 28, the first month hasn’t been so bad, so in the next 11 months I will continue to move with the changes of life, and embrace the good, grow from the bad, and continue to learn how I can improve on just being a better me!


In Hawaii they like and put a ring on it!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

I have realized something about Hawaii that is not so apparent in NY or at least not in such high numbers. Girls in their mid 20’s and early 30’s are married! Yes they have husbands and kids to match. By the tender age of 23 a local girl may be married and have at least 1 but maybe 2 kids! Even girls who look like they are still in high school have rings on their fingers. Rings, rings, everywhere! And here I am the lonely girl from NY, approaching 30 with no ring. Is there something wrong with me? Heck No, at least I don’t think so. But to the older local women, I know it leaves them to wonder why?

When I go to the nail salon to get my nails done and my eyebrows waxed the little Asian lady who is always so very nice to me, asks me the same questions each time. Did you work today? and Are you married? My answers, yes and no respectively. Next comes, why you not married, you are so pretty, and getting older. I guess my job is no longer important at that point. Well it is good to know that I’m pretty, but I guess the closer you get to approaching 30 the less likely the chances you will get a man to marry you. Is that true? Maybe not, but on this island I am starting to think that is a truth.

Apparently the culture of marriage so different in Hawaii. In NY it is a social norm to be in your 20’s or 30’s and not married. It’s a time to have fun with your girls and talk about your dates. You have a job, your own money, and have the chance to develop into a strong independent woman.  You don’t feel like the single girl leper who is about to die alone. In NY you get the chance to play your own rendition of sex and the city with your girlfriends, with everyone having their own version of the infamous Mr. Big.  Conversation is enlightened by the bad dates you go on, and the cute guys you meet on the train. Not the cute thing your toddler did today and how your husband is driving you crazy.

I haven’t really been able to pinpoint why the girls in Hawaii get married so young but I guess it just goes with the environment and the culture. I have Hawaiian  friends who were married at 18, 19, or sometime in their early 20’s, and have really big kids to match. So here I am floating around in life like a nomad, and these girls have families to take care. Believe me I DO NOT want to switch places with them for a second. I know some girls who are divorced by 30, and have to take care of their kids, and do not have much of a social life. Leaves little time for fun. In NY women has a sense of independence, they set goals, dream about influential careers, and want to be the woman in control. In NY girls are more likely to follow a path of doing well in college and moving up the corporate ladder. They play with the big boys, and that focused drive leaves you to put marriage on the back burner. Woman of the big city are on a path to being at the head of the board room and set themselves up so they do not have to rely on a man. The rush to build a family, and have the man go to work while babies are made is not so apparent.

So what is it. Why do girls in Hawaii seem to live with their boyfriends and get married before they have had any chance for independence. Does that really work? I can’t speak on another person’s happiness because they seem happy to me. Maybe self exploration and independence is not as important for some people as it was for me. And if it works go with it! Having a long happy marriage is never a bad thing in life. It also seems to be a generational thing on the island also, parents are young, grandparents are also young. I guess that’s good so they can help you take care of your children. When looking at military wives some of them are also very young to.  And may I just add from the ones I met they seem to be just a bit unsure of themselves. Who can blame them, when you are 20 what do you really know about life, although you may think you know it all you really are just starting to build a sense of identity.

When I look back on myself and the relationships I was in when I was in my late teens and early 20’s , I am extremely happy and overjoyed that I did not get married at that age. Not because they were bad relationships, but because I was so not ready to be a wife. A marriage is a serious commitment, and if I could not understand what it means to be a wife, and for a man to be a husband then I know I would eventually not be happy. People change, good people grow, and learn from life, they learn together, they learn as individuals. They learn to have a sense of understanding, and continuous growth together that is necessary to make a good marriage. But first you need to know your self as an individual and love your independent self without your other half. This will lead you to better appreciate your half of the relationship, and give the most unconditional love to the other half of your relationship.

Before I learned to be independent on my own, and could stand alone, I admit, I would have been a horrible wife! I would have been defined solely as a man’s wife and not as a woman who is amazing and the perfect complement to her husband. My sense of identity would have been non existant because it would have never had a chance to fully develop on its own. And the worst part is I know that I would be left with the feeling of “what if”. So do I think as I approach 30 my chances of finding a husband will decrease, maybe. But that is only because I will be able to weed out the men with a strong sense of insecurity about having a woman who does not need him, but is willing to work with him. I will weed out the men who have fear the confidence and  success of a woman, and are challenged by a woman expressing valid opinions. I don’t mind though because, that will leave me with a man who is confident enough to be part of a team, who has an intellectual mind, and who can keep me on my toes because together our bond will be so strong that it will create a force that will not be matched.

My Mr. Nice Guy

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I think I may have met someone. Yeah someone who has boyfriend potential. Checking his stats he has boyfriend potential, and so far, so good, so he may be the one. Or least the one who can hang around the longest for right now. Going down my check list he meets most of the qualifications to pass through to the next level of building a deeper relationship. He has a college degree, he can talk in complete sentences (don’t ask, but yeah that seems to be a missing trait in men), he is very outgoing, down to try anything new, is in to living life, and he is cute. He is an all around wholesome nice guy.

Uh oh!!!! I said it! He is a NICE GUY. Ok ladies now let’s admit it, we are secretly attracted to the bad boy. The bad boy has a certain I don’t give a fuck attitude about him that makes us want him. The bad boy who is no good for you,  the guy that makes you wonder why he doesn’t call you back, or why he is not giving you attention all the time. When he does give us attention it comes in little spurts, but we eat it up, and want more. The bad boys are the ones who get the girls. Sometimes they are sweethearts, other times they are complete jerks. But they find a balance in their attitude that leaves girls wanting more. The bad boy can be broke with no job, and find a woman to let him live on her couch. He has game, and also has two, three, or more chicks all at the same time. People ask me what type of guy I like, my response, the cute jerk! I don’t like the extreme bad boy because I personally find his sense of arrogance annoying, but I like the slight bad boy. He is nice at times, jerky at other times, but he is so damn cute which in my mind cancels out his annoying pompous cocky attitude. I know he will protect me when needed, and his swag is so on point that he has every other girl wanting him too (which sucks!!!). But that is my cute jerk.

So as I get older, lets try something new. The Nice guy, the guy I would normally shoot right to the friend zone. My new nice guy is a sweetheart, really a sweetheart. He doesn’t do extreme chivalry but that’s ok because I don’t like that anyway. But he does the little things. Such as, wanting to hold my hand when we walk down the block, or walk on the beach and just talk. He refuses to let me see him as a friend so for now he says we are companions.

The problem: He is in the military and is going to be deployed for six months. I feel like I am holding back, and can’t get too attached to him because, I know soon he will be gone and I will miss him. I don’t want to miss anyone. I am so over missing people. I missed my ex boyfriend for so long, now that I am done with that, I am just not in the mood to miss anyone else. I want someone who is here. Who is with me, and who is not going to leave. So although I can see myself really falling for Mr. nice guy, now is not the time. It seems like for me, timing is always wrong, and I just patiently wait for timing to be right. Wait and wait for that day when it is the right place, the right moment, the right time.

Mr. nice guy is in the Marines.  Now my personal opinion, don’t date military men. They have a certain element of crazy about them. But he doesn’t come off as crazy, or at least I haven’t seen his side of crazy. He talks to me, he communicates well, we laugh together, and we can enjoy each other’s company. For Valentine’s day he took me to see Brian McKnight, it was wonderful!  A magical moment that would make two people fall in love. Ok I did not fall in love with Mr. nice guy just yet, but it did make me appreciate his company more. I have a sense of comfort when I am around him that I haven’t had in a long time, and it’s just nice to relax in his presence. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what I look like, and he is impressed by me just being myself. Wow what a breath of fresh air!

So hopefully all will continue to go well with my newly found nice guy, and I will keep you updated on our progress. Maybe his six month deployment won’t be so bad and we can start a real relationship. We will see with time, but hey if all goes well maybe I will be willing to give up my single girl lifestyle for an even better relationship lifestyle!