Focus:Where Art Thou?

I have seemed to lost my focus. I wish it would come back. I remember the good old days when I was able to focus, concentrate, and accomplish things. I was able to make things happen!  But, now sadly it has went away. Oh focus where are you? Did someone steal you? Or, did I just stop appreciating your value so you showed yourself the door? Whatever the reason, I really need my focus back and, I need it back soon!

Along with my focus, I feel like I have also lost my motivation, drive, and determination. I am wondering where my edge went also. My go getter attitude. I feel like one day I woke up and a part of me  that was gone. Where did it run to? Everyday it seems as if  I am constantly on an internal scavenger hunt looking for these attributes that make me who I am. Without them I am lost.

Currently I am working on my very first novel. To write a book is hard work and it requires a TON of FOCUS! That is why having my focus back is so important to me. Who knew it would be so hard to actually write a book, and without focus I am doomed, and set on a path to self-destruction. I have a vision for my book, a deadline, and a dream of where I want this book to go. My motivation helps me with that, so I guess I do have a little bit of that left. I want this book to do well, I am a creator. I know the potential that I have to create a life changing project. My determination helps me with that part. I see myself as a brand name in society, a force that is not to be reckoned with. I see multiple projects happening on a daily basis,  a vision of being an outstanding presence in the lives of other. My cutting edge attitude, and high-speed drive to keep going will help me accomplish that piece. But to start I need my FOCUS!

I am on a mission. I will get my focus back, and this time I will not let it go. I will hold on to it tighter than I have ever held onto anything else in my life. Though I know focus is intangible, I will treat it as a tangible object that I will never break or lose. Focus I want you to be my old/new permanent best friend.

And when I get that focus back, I will complete my novel, I will conduct speaking engagements, I will create shows for TV, and maybe I will even have my own TV show. I will be better than I would ever have imagined that I could be. I will be the epitome of a woman who can shape the world…all because I have FOCUS.

How much baggage is too much?

The interesting part to dating is that I do get to meet a variety of men. Although it is not always a positive experience, and there are some men that I want to forget, I like to think of each of them as a possible extension of my social network. If we can’t date, maybe we can be friends.  Some of these men I do like as people however, they are not boyfriend material. Others I find that I like, are absolutely boyfriend material, but they come with baggage.  And when I say baggage, I don’t mean emotional (although that may be trouble),  I mean physical, like kids, an ex-wife, or multiple baby mammas. Now that is the baggage I try to stay away from.

Before I actually realized that I was in my late twenties, I would never ever date a man who already had kids from another relationship. No matter how nice, cute, and smart he was,  It was just an absolute NO!  I am not a person for drama, and for some reason baby mama equates to drama. Although the two people can have a very cordial relationship, there are always kinks that need to be worked out. And I believe if you want the man then you have to take everything that comes with him, including kids. So if a man had kids, I was not interested.

However, since my move to Hawaii I have met a plethora of men who either have kids, ex wives, or both. And although they may live in a far away place such as the mainland, they still exist. It is easy to find a man on this island who has probably been married and divorced by the time he is 25, and of course has one, two, or three kids. Or he just may have one, two, or three kids without ever being married. Should I fault him for having a past life? No I can’t do that. But it really makes a relationship difficult when I come with just me, and he comes with a prior family.

A few months ago I met a really great guy who has baggage. A whole lot of baggage. And because of that I fail to allow myself to move forward and like him. If we had met 10 years ago, I would have instantly fell in love and would have began to plan our wedding in my head. In my world he would be the man who compliments my style, the one who inspires me to do better, the perfect addition to my life, and I to his. He is attentive, he has the most amazing charm that comes with a caring attitude. He cooks, he is smart, and he communicates like no other man I have met.  Unfortunately for me it is too late. He has BAGGAGE.  He is 30, but he also comes with three kids, one ex-wife, and one other baby mama. To me that’s a lot of baggage. Baggage that I just don’t think I am ready to deal with. To be with him, means that I must take on a ready made family. Am I ready for that? I don’t think so. I just recently learned how to not be selfish and self-centered. I will say that I am still learning how to care for a man, but now to care for a man and his kids? Wow, that is just too much too soon.

So, how much baggage is too much? Am I missing out on a good man because I choose to stop myself from extending love to his prior family? Or, am I correct in admitting that kids are not something I want to deal with right now and move on. I want my own family, with my own kids. It is not the same if the kids belong to another woman. But, if I believe that I can truly love someone, maybe I should be willing to accept everything and everyone who comes along with him.

Maybe I can start with accepting a man with one child, but a man with multiple children…ummm that may be a little bit too much for me.

If Facebook is the devil, then I guess the internet is our modern day Hell

Let me be honest, I love Facebook! When it first came out, I hated it, really hated it. It was the nosy, tell all, put my life on blast, gossip site, but now I love you facebook! I never thought  I would break up with myspace, to start a new relationship with facebook. Myspace was good to me, treated me well, but like most relationships we eventually outgrew each other. Myspace is like a sorry ex boyfriend who is not as cool as my new boyfriend, Facebook!

Devil :   Happy little devil with pitchfork with little hearts Stock PhotoSince I live on a Island thousands of miles from the mainland, facebook has been the major link to the my friends and family scattered throughout the continental US. With facebook I feel like I have never left my best friends and they can see my pictures of the island. I can  keep up with family members who I haven’t spoke to in years, and I now know what happened to those people from High School who I thought I would never see again in life after the music stopped on graduation day.

Facebook, you are not so bad after all. You do have some negative, annoying traits that I can’t stand,  but it wouldn’t be a real relationship if you didn’t right? So I guess I will just like what I can tolerate about you, and ignore the rest.

I know a lot of people who use facebook, I even met a guy who asked me if I had facebook after I denied giving him my number. Of course I lied and said no! I didn’t want to ever be a memory in his mind after I escaped his conversation. So it has become a common thought to just assume that everyone has a facebook account or two.

But lately I have met a few men who do not have facebook accounts!  Yup, they really are not on facebook, how do they survive!  All are random men who do not know each other. So, it’s strange that they all have the same response when I ask why; “Facebook is the devil”.  The devil? To me it seems a little harsh to call it the devil. Then I thought:  facebook is not the devil, but people who use the account can turn it into what may eventually become their own personal hell!

I will admit facebook is addicting, one of my friends recently compared it to crack. And yes it can cause trouble, if you allow trouble. However, you can have a safe, friendly account if you use it the right way. I know people who have gotten into fights with their partners because of pictures that pop up through friends tagging, random friend requests, racy comments, or the high number of friends they have. The truth is, if you respect your account, and respect your partner then there really should not be anything to worry about. You can always delete people who do not respect your relationship! Don’t do dirt, and the dirt won’t be able to find you.

The devil and facebook do have something in common: they both prosper with the power from mankind. People give the devil and facebook the power to work in evil ways. The internet is full of a variety of information about the lives of many people. I will admit that I have googled men that I have went out with just to see if I could find out anything about them on the internet. Yes, a lot of people do that! Personally I like to know what I am getting into to beforehand.

With facebook, people get a firsthand look into the lives of others. They will end up knowing your friends, family, exes, and friends of friends. Pictures of dinners, vacations, and even your work environment may pop up.  Life becomes an open book, and if you dig deep enough you will know the full story (or have enough information to create your own story). Facebook stalking has become the common silent conversation, new age snooping with less work.  Therefore, it becomes the responsibility of the individual to make sure your life is clean, and there aren’t any shocking, incriminating photos that will compromise your own integrity. Maybe with the new internet generation we will all live a more moral life because of what may come out. Probably not. But be smart when using the internet or facebook. Pictures are taken and posted everyday. So even if you are not on facebook, it doesn’t mean your picture won’t show up somewhere.

The quick and dirty east coast tour

After a year and two months of driving around in circles on the  island (because you can only go so far before you run out of actual land), I decided it was time to make a trip back to the east coast. Why not right? I figure a year is more than enough time for friends and family to miss the wonderful Jenni C 🙂 And I thought this would actually give me a chance to make a true comparison of NY and Hawaii, just in case I forgot anything about living in NY while on the island.

Now originally when I packed my bags and hopped on a plane a year ago, I didn’t think that life would change too much in a year. Heck when I was there life was the same every single day. I was in my very own version of groundhog day, except every once in a while the dialogs changed.  So what was I really going to miss? Apparently a whole lot! Another growing experience, life changes quick so hold on and be ready for sudden turns. Friends end up getting married and they don’t tell you, people have new babies and they don’t tell you, and people move to different states, they don’t tell you that either. Ummm…I didn’t die, I just moved to a different part of the world.  It’s funny how I did not realize that life happens at quick speeds while in the moment, because when I was in the middle of it all life seemed at its own permanent standstill.

Let me tell you the realizations that I did have on my limited edition east coast tour. And I do mean limited, because really who knows when I will be back that way. First I just have to say that New York City has wayyyyy too many people.  The locals say that the island of Oahu has too many people. Well they must have not been to NY.  I quickly remembered that there is no room to walk, and if you don’t walk at the speed racer pace of the city that doesn’t sleep, then yes, you are leaving yourself open to be trampled!

The city still smells the same, you know  that good old NY smell of hot piss and garbage, AHHHHH where else in the world can you get that smell. The subway, still dirty. Oh the  price to ride public transportation has increased, and the metrocard discounts are worse than ever. I will admit gladly that I was happy to drive in the city, and actually be allowed to honk my horn. On the island there is the widely known unwritten rule that no horn honking is allowed! I am very serious about that. Honk and you will quickly get  the stink eye, or cursed by a really big Samoan dude.  Have Aloha, be patient and wait. I think I went horn crazy in NY, and just honked for no reason, I cut people off, and didn’t even throw them the Shaka, like they would care I would just get the finger in return.

In NY I must say that I did enjoy myself. Maybe I kinda missed that fast paced, always on the go, if you sleep then you are wasting time hardcore mentality. I would see the look of work and money in the eyes of people racing through the streets, and running for trains. People are focused, determined, and will not rest until they are dead. There is no sense of relaxation, and work is a never ending concept that is an eternal flow through the body that is needed for survival. The hustle game is on, and it is truly the city where people are about getting that paper.

As as walked through Waikiki tonight, I came to the conclusion that I cannot compare NY and Hawaii. They do not fit into the same category of lifestyle. Lets say they are like apples and tomatoes. They both taste good, but you would have them at two completely different meals.

I like the relaxed pace of Hawaii. And the spirit of Aloha is something that comes in true form only in Hawaii. In Hawaii you can reach the epitome of happiness with the bare minimum. There will be  few competition for the hottest new jeans or sneakers. If you do see it, it will be between people who are from the mainland away. Locals are happy with just wearing slippers (flip flops), t-shirts, and shorts. No need to take out you Sunday best in Hawaii there is no where to wear it to! Men just need to have an Aloha shirt and they are all set for every event possible. Very few locals talk about getting paper, or whats the next big hustle. Life is great with just family, who cares if they live in a tent, at least they are together. It’s refreshing, its calm, and it works well for them.

When you are in a New York state of mind, well Jay-Z said it best, “the city never sleeps better slip them a ambien”. In NY money is being made at continuous speeds, and people are always trying to make more. If you sleep you may be missing out on the next big business opportunity (please excuse my slight over exaggeration, but not really). Now don’t get me wrong, both NY and Hawaii are equally expensive, these are not cheap cities to live in. But it is amazing to see lifestyle changes between the people of each city.  So if your into a slow (very slow) paced calm lifestyle, then Hawaii may work just fine. But if you are on your 24-7 focused driven, I gotta make it, and I gotta make it big, state of mind, the NY would be the right place for that!

Things I now know at 28, Just because I wasn’t paying attention at 27

MY BFF Dana and I on my 28th Birthday!!!

So I had a birthday! Last month, on March 19th to be exact I turned 28. Or as some people like to say…30 minus 2. Lets count it down!!!  But I’ll just say 28 for now.

It took me a while to really start to feel my brand spanking new age,  and say out loud that I am being pushed into becoming a year older, which is why it took me a month to post this blog.  Yes people I am 28! No longer can I claim ignorance as an excuse when I really just want to get wasted and pass out in some strange place. Nope I know better now, and I am not allowed to engage in my old college girl acts of random, crazy, fun!

Since turning 28 I don’t feel any different from when I was 27. But I feel a huge difference from age 18!  I now sit and watch CNN…OH NO!!! And I actually turn on Fox news, (as I wait for the day that that network will suddenly disappear),  just to see what nonsense, or new socialist theory Glenn Beck would like to rant on today. I am starting to think the Real World on MTV is not good television anymore, maybe because I am now too old to ever be a cast member. Actually, the only good show on MTV is 16 and pregnant. That is because I like to watch the unrealistic ways these girls think they can manage their lives and a newborn at the same time.  Now that is good television! Oh and the cast of the Jersey Shore will always be a bunch of idiots in my head. But I do wonder where they will be in 5 years…hmmm.

I understand that life means real responsibility, and every choice I make falls on me. No bail out for me! At 28 I have felt the joys and disappointment of love, and I still continue to move forward on the journey of learning more about love, life, career, and everything else that comes along with being 28 (Or the prepping phase for 30).

28,  in my late twenties, officially. The point where women start to get really anxious about being 30 and alone. No kids, No husband, Oh no, will I be myself forever!! No I don’t have those feelings just yet, I still feel great being just me, but I am clearly making a mental note to myself not to settle for a fool! I remember I am better than that, and settling will lead to eventual unhappiness.

So here is a brief list of things that I now know at 28, that maybe I didn’t want to accept at 27, but life is about reality right?

  • I will probably never hit the lotto to become rich quick
  • I will probably never marry a rich millionaire athlete or movie star (I think I am too old now, LOL)
  • A retirement account is a good thing to have
  • Being on reality TV is not exactly the best way to become famous
  • Bad days do not last forever, and a even greater day will be coming soon!
  • Love does not happen in a day
  • I will have to compromise in any relationship I am in
  • Men do like women who cook
  • Men like to be pampered as much as women do
  • Dating younger guys isn’t necessarily a bad thing
  • It is ok to date guys who have reached the age of 40 without thinking he is an old ass man, and the fact that he likes me is repulsive
  • It is perfectly fine to date outside of my race ( sorry black men, but can some of you please step your game up!)
  • If I want something in life, then I will have to work to get it (damn it!)
  • It is a great thing to budget your money
  • I can survive on my own
  • I will get married to an awesome guy, who will also be my best friend
  • I will never ever get back together with my ex because he is worse than a total jerk!  (hey that is really good to know!)

I am excited to see what life has in store for me at 28, the first month hasn’t been so bad, so in the next 11 months I will continue to move with the changes of life, and embrace the good, grow from the bad, and continue to learn how I can improve on just being a better me!

Skydiving…We all should do it, at least once!!!

So I did it! I went Skydiving! Yes me, I jumped out of a perfectly good plane for no reason and lived to tell about it. Whew, that’s a good thing! To some who know me personally it would be a surprise that I actually went skydiving. As my mom asked with the tone of deep concern for my mental stability in her voice,  “why would I want to do that”?  Well why not do it! It is an awesome experience that makes you see life from a whole new level, and hey if all goes well (hopefully it does), you always have another story to add to your collection. 🙂

Me and my tandem Instructor Wyatt, great guy!

I am facing fears. I once thought that I had a fear of heights, but then I realized that I am only afraid when I stop, think about it, then tell myself that I am supposed to be afraid of being up in high places. There is really nothing really scary about being up high, but if I think that I will fall then the fear sets in. So I don’t think about, just do it! I moved to Hawaii it seems to be going well, I jumped out of a plane and survived, am I pushing my luck? What can I try next? And what do I really have to be afraid of?

While prepping to go up onto the plane that I was about to jump out of, I must admit that I started to have feelings of fear. Yup, doubts, wondering “what the heck am I doing”, and “if I die, am I ready to end my life”. It was a battle between negative thoughts, and the positive thoughts of “this is going to be great”, and “I can’t wait for the experience”. Positive thoughts are good to have, they help to relax your mind.  As I watched other people end their jump by smiling as they landed, the positive thoughts had the edge of hey this is not so bad after all 🙂

The moment as I was about to jump out of the plane with the instructor on my back was a life moment that I will never forget. Looking down into straight clouds, and feeling the breeze of the brisk air in my face  from the edge of this tiny plane (yeah tiny, I was more afraid of the engine blowing on the plane than actually jumping out of it) was a great moment. The free fall down was an experience like no other. The closest that I will ever get to flying. The feeling of freedom. Strong winds blowing directly into my face, seeing the sky from an angle that I would never imagine. Dropping to the ground from 14,000 feet high! But I had no fear! Just enjoying the moment because I have never felt anything like it. No roller coaster has ever given me that experience. It was as if life stopped and I was a brand new bird in the sky. New to the environment and wanting to feel every bit of this experience because I knew it would be over quick. And it was, next the parachute opened. A slow decline to the ground, I could see land, houses, and the beautiful scene of the pacific ocean. Thinking if I dropped suddenly I would rather fall  in the ocean than on land. The tandem instructor led us safely back to the ground, I even landed without breaking my ankle! Which I must admit was my biggest fear before this whole ordeal.

I survived, jumped out of a plane, with a man strapped to my back of course, and survived. What a feat! Hawaii has really been good to me so far, and this is another thing to add to my list. Would I have done this in NY, probably not. Having the freedom to try something new, not be afraid, and let go is actually working, and I hope it continues to lead me in great directions in the future.