Looking for love in all the wrong places

I was recently browsing through profiles on match.com and one gentleman’s headline was “Looking for love in all the wrong places”. I wondered to myself why would he put that as his match headline. Was he being honest about his bad experiences with love? Or did he really think since everything else was wrong match.com would be the right place to find love? Anyway this headline turned on a light in my head and I thought, I am very much guilty of that too! I can say that one flaw that I have is that I look for long in all of the wrong places. So my next question is how do I fix that?  How am I supposed to know which place is the right place?

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Now when I say I look for love in all of the wrong places I don’t always mean in the literal sense. Some instances I look for love in the wrong type of guy. The guy I like just because he is gorgeous, the guy who is emotionally unavailable, the guy who is just looking for sex real quick, the guy who is only focused on himself and no one else, or the guy with the baggage.

I rarely go out to club or hit the bar scene looking for love. Looking for love with the presence of excessive alcohol can lead to a not so good outcome (speaking from experience). So, if I am at the club the intention is just to have a good time with friends not to meet my husband. Unless by some weirdness of the universe all rules are broken, the stars are aligned in perfect form, then I may just meet Mr. Forever, at the club. Not holding my breath for that to happen.

Love in all the wrong places. Love has to do with timing, right place, right time, right? Or maybe not, maybe it is sheer luck. Just happens one day, blindsides you while you are not even looking.

 

 

 

 

I wonder is there ever a right place to look for love? Once a male friend told me to stop looking. I poorly tried to convince him that I wasn’t looking, I was just browsing every once in a while. Yeah he didn’t buy that. He said “stop looking”. My next thought was, “if I don’t look then how will I know when I found it?”.

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Thinking back some of the places where I have looked for love may have defiantly been the wrong place. Let’s see, the gym, hiking, at the auto shop while my car was getting fixed, at the mall, or even on the NYC subway! Hey cute guys have been at all these places, and since they were cute I gave them my number thinking that there may be a small chance we would have a connection.  EPIC FAIL!  Nothing came from any of those situations, not even heartache, actually more like a headache.

At the present moment I am taking a break from “looking” for love. Since I keep going to the wrong place, I first have to figure out where the right place would be then continue my search. I am having a focus shift back to what I can control, myself! So where is the right place to find love? Well stay tuned, because when I reach that place I will be sure to let you know!

* Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences.

 

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Love: Does it really matter what color it comes in?

 Recently, I came across an article in Essence Magazine on Black Love. This topic is an interesting one for me because as I make attempts to open myself up to dating men of different races, the thought of eventually marrying a Black man always comes to my mind. Now don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with interracial dating. Love is about the relationship you are in and not the color of their skin. I say date, marry, love, whoever makes you happy.

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However, personally in my life I have only loved and been in serious romantic relationships with Black men. It always seems to work out that way. Black men approach me more often, ask me to go out, and show their interest in getting to know me. I must be honest, I love the sexiness of a Black man. When I see a Black man who carries himself well, who walks with style and purpose, it makes me smile. I have an overwhelming feeling that I must get to know him, see what he is about. So yes, I may put in a little more effort, smile a tad bit more, or use subtle flirtation so he would know that I am interested.

Barack and Michelle Obama dance arm-in-arm and smile. She wears a white dress, large ring, long earrings and a bracelet. He wears a black tuxedo.

The dating scene in Hawaii is different from New York in that interracial dating in Hawaii is a lot more common. It is a noticeable difference from living in the City. With the large amount of diversity in Hawaii, sure you will see people date outside their race. However,  in Hawaii Black women date outside their race nearly as much as Black men.

Black women are known for being less likely to date outside of their race when compared to black men, or women of other races. That is why it is surprising to see so many Black women with a man of a different race. It actually made me feel more comfortable to actually date a man who was not Black.

As I have said before, I like to do online dating, just because I’m lazy. Online I usually get a lot of hits from men of different racial groups. A lot of the time these men are not black. And a lot of the time I pay them no attention (ok maybe I am missing out). But, one time I actually did attempt to go out with a White man. He had cute pictures, and seemed nice on the phone. In real life, he was still cute, had nice conversation, appeared to be someone who I can get along with. Unfortunately after we went out, he then decided to send me a text saying “what’s up miss phat booty”. Really? Yes I am serious. Miss phat booty! Who does that? Not sure if I took as extra offensive because he was White, or because I thought that was just plain stupid. Needless to say after I told him off in a polite (ok well maybe not so polite) manner, that was the end of my interracial dating experience.

I am not going to let that one experience deter me from ever dating a White man, Hispanic Man, or Asian man again. I am still open to trying to make it work with any man who may be my perfect match. However, it will always be true that when I go out, I am more likely to be approached by a Black man.  A man who is confident, not afraid, sexy, and intelligent will always be attractive to me. I am open to talk to any man who has those qualities, as long as his idea of flirting is not referring to me as “miss phat booty”.

In Hawaii, it is apparent that some Black men prefer to date local women, or Asian women. I know, exotic women are in style at the moment. I also know some Black men who will only date Black women.  I have heard some Black men say that the Black women do not like Black men in Hawaii. I am always amazed when I hear men complain about that. Actually it is  the first time in my life that I have heard Black men not feeling they are getting love from Black women.  This is a rarity to say the least. Black women will always love Black men. To a Black woman, a Black man represents so much more than just being a man. In essence, he is the picture of strength, safety, and a solid foundation. A good Black man is what we saw or wanted to see in our father’s, and who we want our sons to grow up to be. It seems that is why Black Love is important, it represents the struggles of the past, and hope for a brighter future.

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Due to the lack of available Black men in Hawaii, I may continue to date more outside of my race. My mental picture of my husband; a handsome Black man, may need to change to a handsome White man. Time will tell, and it will be interesting. Either way I am ready to embrace what is in store for me, and take the type of love that the universe has to offer.

*Positive energy, Positive thoughts, Positive experiences!

NY memories: A permanent mark in time

Still in New York: Day 4

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I’m feeling a little bit reminiscent today. At my core I am a sentimental girl (even when I don’t act like it). I am that girl who keeps everything ever given to me by a past love. I keep old pictures, and random items for years, Deep down I can’t bring myself to just throw them away. What am I holding on to? If only I can figure it out, I might actually dispose of these items. But if I throw away pictures it would be as if those memories never happened. As if a once happy moment in my life was never there. Although, the end result was the personal torment of ending a relationship, the story of a time when things were good in that relationship are in those objects.

Why do I bring this up? Well when I come back home, I stay in my old room. My room that is filled with pictures, objects, and a plethora of memories of a time period when I was with an ex boyfriend. Twice I have loved, and twice it hasn’t worked out. Life changes and self reflection has brought me to a point where I do realize that it just wasn’t meant to be. Everything really does happen for a reason, and those relationships are not what I needed for my life.  However, the memories are still there. Trapped in my room. In my dressers are pictures, on the desk and in the closet are stuffed animals. I left my memories trapped in that room. Better than taking them with me to Hawaii. I needed a fresh start, for my own mental sake I needed the past to stay in the past. A past that always seems to come back into the present each time I enter the state of New York.

The memories are not only trapped in my room, they are actually in small areas all over the city. With each of my past relationships, I have a memory that virtually takes over Manhattan, Bronx, Queens, and Brooklyn. Wow, it’s a good thing I never dated anyone who lived in Staten Island. The city has memories of romantic dates at wonderful restaurants, times of relaxation in central park, long subway rides to our next destination, and since I love to walk;  times of just strolling up and down the blocks of Manhattan. The Village is a New York favorite area of mine since I attended NYU. But with the thought of stepping foot into the village comes the memories of waiting for an ex by NYU, eating pizza after class, or just wanting to use a building to go inside of to escape the winter cold. Yup New York, my city of memories. Memories that I can’t just throw away. Buildings, landmarks, and food, all come with a separate memory that will always be there.

Greenwich Village Photo NYC

It’s funny because when I get a new boyfriend, I try not to do the same things or go to the same places that I did with my old boyfriend. Crazy, yeah maybe a little. But, each place for me has a special memory, so I feel it is more fair to create a new special memory, than to attempt to recreate a new memory in the same place. Is that always possible? No of course not! The city is big, but not that big. There are things that I will always love. For anyone I am dating, if we happen to be in New York, we will probably repeat an event that I shared with someone else. Hopefully I can stay in the moment, feel that it is special, and not think about the last time I was in that same place.

I wish I could say that Hawaii is completely free from any tainted memories of an ex boyfriend. Unfortunately that is not exactly true since shortly after I moved there one of my ex boyfriends did come to visit. I guess it was just that type of love that I couldn’t get away from, even though I knew that I really needed to be away from it. So some parts of Honolulu do have memories of him. That I can handle a lot better than New York. Since there is so much more of Hawaii that I can see with other dates, the memories of my ex in Hawaii are close to non-existent. I don’t feel as if they are written in permanent marker like my infamous New York memories. They are written in pencil and will eventually fade.

New York and I will always have a love-hate relationship. At one time I was in love with the city, now I feel I love it for a brief period and will tolerate it the rest of the time. This is also what the relationship with each of the past men in my life has become. Once we were in love so deeply, now, well I don’t even know what it would be considered now. Toleration? Friendship? Love-hate? Sure why not all of the above.  As they say, I guess one day the memories will fade. Through it all my city will always be the same. I will be open to falling in love with it over and over again during every visit. Soon I will have new experiences, and even better memories.

'Downtown is where it's at' United States, New...
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Now if only I knew what to do with my collection of old cards, pictures, and gifts???

As always: Positive energy, Positive thoughts, Positive experiences!

Why Not Be The Best Version Of Yourself!

S0 here it is: In a few weeks I will be turning 29! Yup 29. (I am silently wondering if I should be having a brief panic attack) Since I am entering my last year in my twenties, I have decided to do a little bit of self-reflection.

While in my twenties I would say that I almost met all of the societal expectations of girls in their twenties. I graduated from college, entered the professional world, learned how to balance a check book, and dated a variety of men. Where did I go wrong? Well I didn’t get married, and I have no children. In my thirties, if I stay on this track  I will be considered a social leper by the standards of some.  Apparently marriage and babies is the icing on the cake for women in their twenties. Therefore, when women reach their thirties they will be complete with a family, or divorced, take your pick. As a woman, if you are still or newly single in your thirties, you continue to go on what may seem like endless dates, continue to look for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right now, oh and  you even get the wonderful added pity of people who feel so sorry for you life of singledom that they go out of their way to offer to find you Mr. Right now. Do women ever get the chance to just be happy with themselves, by themselves, and love it?

I spent the majority of my early to mid twenties involved in serious relationships. When I was around the age of 24, I was dating a man who I just knew I wanted to marry. For some strange reason I wanted a husband right then. My boyfriend at the time was cute, and he had a job, he took care of me, so he was perfect to marry right? Well no it was not that simple. I wanted to get married yes, but not because I actually wanted to be a wife or understood what it actually meant to be a wife, at the time I just thought the idea of having a husband would be nice. I would have someone to take care of me, and we would just automatically become one. I must give the credit to God on that one, he knew exactly what he was doing with that didn’t work.

At 24 I would have made a horrible wife. I’ll admit it, just horrible. I was selfish, egocentric, bratty, spoiled, and had no idea of what it meant to be a wife, or how to treat a husband. Marriage was just a word in my vocabulary. I truly wanted the wedding and not the marriage. Looking back life worked out exactly the way life was supposed to work.  However, if I did get married the advantage was then I would not have to face life alone. I could go from living with my parents, to living with my husband. When I was younger I remember my mother telling me that I needed to find a husband so he can take me away. To my mom, she could just marry me off so she wouldn’t have to support me anymore. What a silly idea that was. When the marriage plan didn’t work out, I created a new plan, my own plan. My plan actually turned out to be the right plan. I would live life for me, and figure out how to be the best version of me first before I tried to share my life with someone else.

Around the age of 25, I once heard Oprah and Mya Angelou say that life gets better at 50. So being the me that I am, I figured that I only have to wait 25 more years, then life will start to get good. I will feel free, and living my best days…but at 50, which seems like an eternity away. Did I really want to wait that long? No. I have a huge problem with impatience. So my next thought was how do I make today my best day. I can make life start right now, today, and really live. The advantage had been that I could figure that out all by myself. I had no one to answer to. It was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. Suddenly I realized the bright side of not getting married, and being a horrible wife at the age of 24. I was given the opportunity to grow, to learn, to love me for who I am, to learn to love other people exactly for who they are, and to learn how to be a good wife. With growth, I learned compromise, I learned the joys of giving, and to be happy seeing other people happy.  I found my own personal happiness, and no one could take that away from me.

During my twenties I feel my biggest accomplishment has been becoming the a better version of myself. With time spent alone, I have learned to love myself first as an individual. Doing small things on my own, has helped me to learn to appreciate my own company.  I am content in knowing what I love and what I don’t love. What I want and what I don’t want.  I used to have fears of going to eat alone, going to the movies alone, or vacationing alone. In the past few years I have overcome all of those fears, and many more. So as I turn 29 do I feel like I have life figured out? Oh no, far from it. But I do know that I am now living life at my best, I appreciate everything that I have to offer to the world. Most importantly, I know that I do not have to wait another 20 years for life to start, because I am ready to start living  life at my best everyday.

Dating 101- Start By Breaking All The Rules!

An astronomical amount of money is being made off of exploiting single women. It is a market where people portray as wanting to help but really feed off of desperation.

Bookstores are over flooded with relationship books aimed particularly at women. The topics range from how to find a date, how to get that man to commit, how to get him to marry you, and the hundreds of different rules on dating. It is no wonder that so many women act a little bit crazy when it comes to dating. Some will never know what is right or wrong, what to really say, how to really act, and when to really leave because that man you are dating was never any good to begin with. But you followed all the rules, and you got him to commit. Even if that commitment makes you just a tad bit miserable on a daily basis.

There are seminars held for women on how to catch a man and keep him. While these seminars are not cheap, many women line up to attend. Do they work? I hope so because they take time and money. In fact you should be able to walk out of one with your very own personal husband. At least then I would know that I got my money’s worth. You pay enough money to learn how to find a man, so why not just give you one at the end of the class. Do they have similar seminars for men on how to find a woman? If so, do men actually attend?

Some women hold on to relationship books as if it is their very own personal bible, or textbook. Pages are highlighted, sticky notes hold important facts, and some women end up quoting these books to their friends and family. Next someone should create the college course on “How to find a man 101”, I am sure many female students and even professors will sign up to take that course. Heck, maybe they will let me teach it! Oh wait, I am still single so I guess I wouldn’t be the best candidate. But then again, I know how to find a man (actually we all do), but maybe I can teach a course in how to find one, since that is the main objective.

Steve Harvey has made a fortune exploiting women’s insecurities about being single. He has found a market that is a gold mine. The insecure single woman!  They have launched his book to the New York Times best sellers list, and someone thought that they even let him come with a second book. Everyday a new relationship book, or article is passed around from woman to woman. These books are the topics of book club discussions and, work lunch chatter. Even the Jersey Shore’s own Jwoww wrote a book on “The Rules” of dating. Don’t worry my book will be in stores soon, I hope it becomes a best seller.

Since dating advice is a big market for success, let me add in my own two cents. (Maybe I will be famous tomorrow)

With all the different so-called “rules” of dating, there really are No Rules! Rules are meant to be broken, so just break them. You may find that you get better success breaking the rules than following your highlighted sentences in your dating advice book.  Dating is not simple. It does not break down into a map, or a blueprint that will lead you to a husband at the end. If it did then we would all be paired up with someone. Dating is complex, because people are complex beings. Not all women are alike and certainly not all men are alike. Therefore, look at the person you are dealing with, and make your next move person specific.

Other Things- Not Rules

To call or not to call: As a woman should you ask a man for his number? Well you can sit and wait for him to ask. But what if he doesn’t ask?  The you will sit and drive yourself crazy wondering why he has not asked for your number of course. So if you want to talk to him, ask for his number. If that turns him off or sends him away, then tell him to kick rocks that was not the man for you. And you will have to admit to yourself that he was ambivalent about you in the first place because he never asked for your number.

To email or not to email: When dating online you may wonder if you should send a message to a person of interest. Well if you want to talk to him then you should. Why not? Oh that might turn him off right? Well again, tell him to kick rocks. You are saving yourself trouble for later. Send a message, if there is interest, then its not a problem.

To ask out on a date or not ask out: Well do you want to hang out with him or not? Yes, a man will ask you out if he wants to spend time with you. But, if you want to go out with him and see what the vibe is like then invite him out. Keep it simple please! For instance, if you were going to see a free concert, grab a cup of coffee, or go to the beach, ask him if he would like to come along. No harm in inviting him to spend time with you. You were going to go anyway, so if he turns you down you can still have fun without him. Again keep it simple! I say that because you don’t want the awkwardness of who is going to pay for this date since you asked him to come along.

To make the first contact after the first date: Sure why not! Just not too soon, you don’t want to smother. But if its the next day, and you want to say hello, call, text, or email. If you are afraid of him losing interest because of that small contact, well you already know…tell him to kick rocks! If that turns him off, then he really wasn’t that into you anyway.

Save yourself the trouble of ending up in a complicated situation later by weeding out the bad ones in the beginning. Please don’t be afraid to quote Jay-Z and say, “on to the next one”! And trust me there will be a next one.

Love is in the air, But what does it smell like?

Its Valentines Day and love is in the air. Whether you view it as an original Hallmark holiday, or a day to express true love and gratification to your special someone, you cannot help but catch on to the feeling that love is really in the air.

With hearts, flowers, and chocolate, the Valentine’s Day bug is running rampant from city to city. For an entire 24 hours, people use today to tell someone special that they love them. But can’t they do that on any other day? Flowers, jewelry, and love, should be given any day. Don’t just wait for that one day out the year because it is marked on the calendar, to show someone how much you love them.

Now if you are single it becomes a whole different story. Do single people still smell the love that is in the air? I know they sure do see it. I remember one year while I was in NY, I was standing on a subway platform on Valentine’s day and I just knew it was Valentine’s day. I glanced around the platform on both sides, and noticed that the entire station was full of couples, not  one single individual in sight. Just people embraced in hugs, kisses, with balloons and flowers. So what happened to all the single people that day? Did they stay home and hide?  Were they avoiding looks of pity, and “don’t worry it will get better”? If you are single, some  people may even feel sorry for you on Valentine’s day. Tell them don’t be, at least you will not be disappointed if the person you love forgets the one special Hallmark day, or even buys you flowers that look like they will die in the next ten to fifteen minutes.

You ever wonder why some people to refer to Valentine’s day as Singles Awareness Day? What is with that? I was very aware that I was single yesterday, I am very aware that I am single today, and chances are that I will be very much aware when I am single tomorrow. Is Singles Awareness day the consolation prize to not having a significant other on Valentine’s Day? Does that mean that I am supposed to  buy myself flowers, a box of chocolate, and a stuffed teddy bear to show self love? Ummm, I’ll pass and save my money for something I really want.