Its not you…It’s me..really its me

On By Jenni C.In Relocation1 Comment

Cliche time: “It’s not you, it’s me”

You ever find yourself on a first, second, or third date with someone at an amazing restaurant, good food and a pleasant ambiance. You are in the scene of romantic perfection. Suddenly you look at your date across the table, and begin to  yell to yourself  thinking  that you would rather be home watching Coyote Ugly for the 189th time, perfecting your own top of the bar dance routine, than spend another minute on this painful, mindless, date. Oh ok maybe that is just me. But if you have ever been anywhere close to that feeling then you can probably understand where I am coming from.

During my last few dates (or whatever term I am using for the night), that feeling has made a strong presence.  The feeling of me wanting to pick up the butter knife and stab myself just so I have a valid excuse to go home. (Having to go to the hospital is a good reason to end a meal right?) A little extreme? Maybe. But what is a polite way to say “you know this is just not going to work out” after only being on a date for what may appear to be the longest twenty minutes of my life.

After I processed what is really going on here ( I am a therapist, we process everything!) I realized that it’s not my date with the problem. It’s me! It is all me. I will take the blame and full responsibility for these dates that will never compare to the fun I will have during the 190th time that I watch Coyote Ugly. I must say, my bar dancing routine is almost in perfect form, ready to make its debut.

I will say that I am at fault for the my self torture because I say yes to the date. In the back of mind I hope that it will turn out to be a great time, but in reality it is never that good.  I hope to have a series of  amazing conversations and endless laughter, but when I am struggling to keep my facial expressions as neutral as possible while wondering “did you really just say that?”, it makes multitasking on trying to hold back apparent sarcasm an extremely difficult job.

I wish there was an easy way for me to tell a guy who takes me out, “hey your good, its me who is the dramatic, crazy, nutcase”, I wonder if that will be the nice way of saying, “thanks, but look, don’t ever call me again”.

The end result of my processing phase:  I really shouldn’t date anyone right now until I know he is the right one to date. Maybe a few more moments of talking on the phone will help, stop texting, get to actually know this person before I am stuck in his presence for 2-3 hours at minimum.  If he still wants to go out after dinner, I can’t grasp a nice way of saying, “ummmm, I would rather just go home and go to bed”. Even if it is 7:00 pm! I realized I know myself better than I think I do. I have a gut instinct that tells me what would be right. The problem: I never listen to it. But if I did, I would know that I don’t have time to waste on people that I have never been excited to see in the first place.  My suggestion,  if you are uncertain, pick up the phone and have a conversation. If he gets past that phase and we actually go to dinner, when I feel the dire need to run or pick up that butter knife ,  I will just remember, it’s not him, it’s all me. And hopefully the night will be over soon!

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Conversations With God

On By Jenni C.In Family, Fears, Finding meaning, Life, random, relationships, Religion, Relocation, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

  One day a few weeks ago I was feeling really lonely. Not lonely because I missed anyone, and it wasn’t a literal type of lonely. I was just lonely on the inside. A sudden emptiness that overcame my sense of presence. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so empty inside. I wanted to just be in a different place but I did not know how to get there. Through the feelings of emptiness came a cloud of sadness. It wasn’t a new feeling, I had been in that space before so I wasn’t alarmed. The re occurrence of that  feeling was an eye opener for me, I knew what I needed to do to get out of it, it was time for a much-needed conversation with God.

Every so often I may start to miss my family and friends on the east coast. Sometimes I just miss being around people who have known me for a long time, and even know what I am thinking without even saying a word. My longtime friends know when my smiles are forced, and can tell by the sound of my voice when I am feeling troubled. I must say that those are the times that I actually will not talk to them,  since I live close to 5000 miles away, I can hide my feelings by not picking up the phone. However, I do try to speak with my mom at least once a week, usually on Sunday, and every Sunday I get the same question; “Did you go to church today”. Honestly most Sundays the answer is no. The no is not even because I choose sleep over church.  I wake up extra early on Sunday’s to make it to the gym for my weekly spin class. The excuse is really after the gym I come home, eat, and relax from my morning workout. The truth is, in reality I am avoiding God. I am avoiding a much-needed, overdue conversation between me and God.

When the lonely feeling came back, I knew it because it hit me in the gut. (I wonder if that is God punching me in the stomach)  Yet, I knew exactly what I needed to do to remedy the situation. I no longer let that lonely feeling overwhelm me with depressive thoughts because I understand where it comes from.  It frequently happens when I stop listening to God, and start listening to myself.

During  one conversation with my mom she told me, “you need to go back to church”. I guess she picked up on my monotone voice as if something was bothering me.  Her tone was like any caring mother, one of not really telling me, but still telling me what she expected me to do. So, I listened. That Sunday I went to church and decided to come face to face with God.

I must admit my spirituality is somewhat of a lifelong struggle. I am a Christian. However, I could use a lot of work on my relationship with God. I go to church and sit. Yes, I am a church sitter. I like to go listen to the sermon, and then go home. Not the most Christian like thing to do, so that is one of the areas that I have told God I will work on. I am at times conflicted about what to believe in the bible, mainly because the bible was written by man, more precisely A MAN. I still and will always believe in God, I trust in faith, but when it comes to the bible…well lets just say that I still have some questions.

That Sunday while I was in church I decided I was ready to have my conversation with God. Truthfully, I was not really sure what that conversation would look like. Was God like my own personal therapist, does he just sit and listen while I talk? Or, does God answer back with sound words of advice?  God already knows everything that is going on in my life so I don’t have to explain the whole background story, maybe he does all the talking and I just listen. In my head are images of me and God sitting on a comfy couch having a conversation.  I talk, and he is giving a gentle smirk to all out laughter because he sees my life as a daily comedy show.  Sometimes, I know God is sitting back and laughing,  inside I am laughing right along with him. I feel like God and I are old friends, we could talk for hours, he would tell me everything I need to know about life. When we talk I know that everything will be alright. God is always able to make everything alright.

In church, I talked to God.  I listened to God’s response. In the car on my way home I continued the conversation, and when I got home the conversation just kept going. I realized I don’t need to hide from God, HE already knows what I want to say and, what I need to say.  Every so often,  I  get confused if it is God I am listening to or just my voice in my own head. When that I happens I know I need to slow down and listen harder. God knows. God knows all.

Lately, I have met a few men who have started conversations with me  before and after church, we have even exchanged numbers. Oddly enough I know God is waiting for me to have that conversation with him. I will talk, and he will sit back and smile.  I can just see that Godly smirk right now, the smirk of inner peace saying that everything is going to be alright.



Why Not Be The Best Version Of Yourself!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Goals, Life, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, sex, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

S0 here it is: In a few weeks I will be turning 29! Yup 29. (I am silently wondering if I should be having a brief panic attack) Since I am entering my last year in my twenties, I have decided to do a little bit of self-reflection.

While in my twenties I would say that I almost met all of the societal expectations of girls in their twenties. I graduated from college, entered the professional world, learned how to balance a check book, and dated a variety of men. Where did I go wrong? Well I didn’t get married, and I have no children. In my thirties, if I stay on this track  I will be considered a social leper by the standards of some.  Apparently marriage and babies is the icing on the cake for women in their twenties. Therefore, when women reach their thirties they will be complete with a family, or divorced, take your pick. As a woman, if you are still or newly single in your thirties, you continue to go on what may seem like endless dates, continue to look for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right now, oh and  you even get the wonderful added pity of people who feel so sorry for you life of singledom that they go out of their way to offer to find you Mr. Right now. Do women ever get the chance to just be happy with themselves, by themselves, and love it?

I spent the majority of my early to mid twenties involved in serious relationships. When I was around the age of 24, I was dating a man who I just knew I wanted to marry. For some strange reason I wanted a husband right then. My boyfriend at the time was cute, and he had a job, he took care of me, so he was perfect to marry right? Well no it was not that simple. I wanted to get married yes, but not because I actually wanted to be a wife or understood what it actually meant to be a wife, at the time I just thought the idea of having a husband would be nice. I would have someone to take care of me, and we would just automatically become one. I must give the credit to God on that one, he knew exactly what he was doing with that didn’t work.

At 24 I would have made a horrible wife. I’ll admit it, just horrible. I was selfish, egocentric, bratty, spoiled, and had no idea of what it meant to be a wife, or how to treat a husband. Marriage was just a word in my vocabulary. I truly wanted the wedding and not the marriage. Looking back life worked out exactly the way life was supposed to work.  However, if I did get married the advantage was then I would not have to face life alone. I could go from living with my parents, to living with my husband. When I was younger I remember my mother telling me that I needed to find a husband so he can take me away. To my mom, she could just marry me off so she wouldn’t have to support me anymore. What a silly idea that was. When the marriage plan didn’t work out, I created a new plan, my own plan. My plan actually turned out to be the right plan. I would live life for me, and figure out how to be the best version of me first before I tried to share my life with someone else.

Around the age of 25, I once heard Oprah and Mya Angelou say that life gets better at 50. So being the me that I am, I figured that I only have to wait 25 more years, then life will start to get good. I will feel free, and living my best days…but at 50, which seems like an eternity away. Did I really want to wait that long? No. I have a huge problem with impatience. So my next thought was how do I make today my best day. I can make life start right now, today, and really live. The advantage had been that I could figure that out all by myself. I had no one to answer to. It was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. Suddenly I realized the bright side of not getting married, and being a horrible wife at the age of 24. I was given the opportunity to grow, to learn, to love me for who I am, to learn to love other people exactly for who they are, and to learn how to be a good wife. With growth, I learned compromise, I learned the joys of giving, and to be happy seeing other people happy.  I found my own personal happiness, and no one could take that away from me.

During my twenties I feel my biggest accomplishment has been becoming the a better version of myself. With time spent alone, I have learned to love myself first as an individual. Doing small things on my own, has helped me to learn to appreciate my own company.  I am content in knowing what I love and what I don’t love. What I want and what I don’t want.  I used to have fears of going to eat alone, going to the movies alone, or vacationing alone. In the past few years I have overcome all of those fears, and many more. So as I turn 29 do I feel like I have life figured out? Oh no, far from it. But I do know that I am now living life at my best, I appreciate everything that I have to offer to the world. Most importantly, I know that I do not have to wait another 20 years for life to start, because I am ready to start living  life at my best everyday.

Dating 101- Start By Breaking All The Rules!

On By Jenni C.In Books, dating, internet, men, random, relationships, self help, single girl2 Comments

An astronomical amount of money is being made off of exploiting single women. It is a market where people portray as wanting to help but really feed off of desperation.

Bookstores are over flooded with relationship books aimed particularly at women. The topics range from how to find a date, how to get that man to commit, how to get him to marry you, and the hundreds of different rules on dating. It is no wonder that so many women act a little bit crazy when it comes to dating. Some will never know what is right or wrong, what to really say, how to really act, and when to really leave because that man you are dating was never any good to begin with. But you followed all the rules, and you got him to commit. Even if that commitment makes you just a tad bit miserable on a daily basis.

There are seminars held for women on how to catch a man and keep him. While these seminars are not cheap, many women line up to attend. Do they work? I hope so because they take time and money. In fact you should be able to walk out of one with your very own personal husband. At least then I would know that I got my money’s worth. You pay enough money to learn how to find a man, so why not just give you one at the end of the class. Do they have similar seminars for men on how to find a woman? If so, do men actually attend?

Some women hold on to relationship books as if it is their very own personal bible, or textbook. Pages are highlighted, sticky notes hold important facts, and some women end up quoting these books to their friends and family. Next someone should create the college course on “How to find a man 101”, I am sure many female students and even professors will sign up to take that course. Heck, maybe they will let me teach it! Oh wait, I am still single so I guess I wouldn’t be the best candidate. But then again, I know how to find a man (actually we all do), but maybe I can teach a course in how to find one, since that is the main objective.

Steve Harvey has made a fortune exploiting women’s insecurities about being single. He has found a market that is a gold mine. The insecure single woman!  They have launched his book to the New York Times best sellers list, and someone thought that they even let him come with a second book. Everyday a new relationship book, or article is passed around from woman to woman. These books are the topics of book club discussions and, work lunch chatter. Even the Jersey Shore’s own Jwoww wrote a book on “The Rules” of dating. Don’t worry my book will be in stores soon, I hope it becomes a best seller.

Since dating advice is a big market for success, let me add in my own two cents. (Maybe I will be famous tomorrow)

With all the different so-called “rules” of dating, there really are No Rules! Rules are meant to be broken, so just break them. You may find that you get better success breaking the rules than following your highlighted sentences in your dating advice book.  Dating is not simple. It does not break down into a map, or a blueprint that will lead you to a husband at the end. If it did then we would all be paired up with someone. Dating is complex, because people are complex beings. Not all women are alike and certainly not all men are alike. Therefore, look at the person you are dealing with, and make your next move person specific.

Other Things- Not Rules

To call or not to call: As a woman should you ask a man for his number? Well you can sit and wait for him to ask. But what if he doesn’t ask?  The you will sit and drive yourself crazy wondering why he has not asked for your number of course. So if you want to talk to him, ask for his number. If that turns him off or sends him away, then tell him to kick rocks that was not the man for you. And you will have to admit to yourself that he was ambivalent about you in the first place because he never asked for your number.

To email or not to email: When dating online you may wonder if you should send a message to a person of interest. Well if you want to talk to him then you should. Why not? Oh that might turn him off right? Well again, tell him to kick rocks. You are saving yourself trouble for later. Send a message, if there is interest, then its not a problem.

To ask out on a date or not ask out: Well do you want to hang out with him or not? Yes, a man will ask you out if he wants to spend time with you. But, if you want to go out with him and see what the vibe is like then invite him out. Keep it simple please! For instance, if you were going to see a free concert, grab a cup of coffee, or go to the beach, ask him if he would like to come along. No harm in inviting him to spend time with you. You were going to go anyway, so if he turns you down you can still have fun without him. Again keep it simple! I say that because you don’t want the awkwardness of who is going to pay for this date since you asked him to come along.

To make the first contact after the first date: Sure why not! Just not too soon, you don’t want to smother. But if its the next day, and you want to say hello, call, text, or email. If you are afraid of him losing interest because of that small contact, well you already know…tell him to kick rocks! If that turns him off, then he really wasn’t that into you anyway.

Save yourself the trouble of ending up in a complicated situation later by weeding out the bad ones in the beginning. Please don’t be afraid to quote Jay-Z and say, “on to the next one”! And trust me there will be a next one.

Running With Aloha!

On By Jenni C.In fitness, Goals, HawaiiLeave a comment

Just so you know I am not a runner. In fact I really hate running. When I was a child I despised running, in high school I wanted to play basketball so I was forced to run.  Finally, in my adult life I love to workout, but running has never been my workout of choice. With that said, I must tell you that I decided to get up take on the challenge and run. Not only run, but actually complete a full running event consisting of 8.15 miles.  A run that I thought I would never do, turned out to be a run that I can not wait to do again.  I did it, I completed the Great Aloha Run.

Kaiser Permanente Great Aloha Run

Every Year on President’s Day, what seems to be like all of Honolulu and then some, come out to run The Great Aloha Run. Thousands of people gather together to run from Aloha Tower, to Aloha Stadium (the site of the NFL Probowl). This year I was fortunate enough to be one of those people. I must say I decided to run with some hesitation. Up until today I never ran more than 3 full miles, so how did I think that I would be able to do 8? To make matters worse my friend who had signed up to run with me came down with the flu a few days before race day. Up until the last hour I did not think that she would be able to make it. However, this girl was a pure trooper, she came out to run still feeling under the weather. Although I could not find her until the end of the race due to the massive crowd, I was impressed that she actually ran and finished in an impressive time with flu like symptoms.

Today the whole state of  Hawaii came together just to run. From babies in strollers, to the elderly, military and civilians, all were out running. Overall the experience was great, and I am ready to keep on running. I will continue to practice my running so I can stay in shape, and hopefully acquire a love for running. Would I do a full marathon? Well probably not, I get bored easily. But I would go a longer distance. Next challenge, preparing for a half marathon. Yeah now lets see how that goes.

Love is in the air, But what does it smell like?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Holidays, Life, men, single girlLeave a comment

Its Valentines Day and love is in the air. Whether you view it as an original Hallmark holiday, or a day to express true love and gratification to your special someone, you cannot help but catch on to the feeling that love is really in the air.

With hearts, flowers, and chocolate, the Valentine’s Day bug is running rampant from city to city. For an entire 24 hours, people use today to tell someone special that they love them. But can’t they do that on any other day? Flowers, jewelry, and love, should be given any day. Don’t just wait for that one day out the year because it is marked on the calendar, to show someone how much you love them.

Now if you are single it becomes a whole different story. Do single people still smell the love that is in the air? I know they sure do see it. I remember one year while I was in NY, I was standing on a subway platform on Valentine’s day and I just knew it was Valentine’s day. I glanced around the platform on both sides, and noticed that the entire station was full of couples, not  one single individual in sight. Just people embraced in hugs, kisses, with balloons and flowers. So what happened to all the single people that day? Did they stay home and hide?  Were they avoiding looks of pity, and “don’t worry it will get better”? If you are single, some  people may even feel sorry for you on Valentine’s day. Tell them don’t be, at least you will not be disappointed if the person you love forgets the one special Hallmark day, or even buys you flowers that look like they will die in the next ten to fifteen minutes.

You ever wonder why some people to refer to Valentine’s day as Singles Awareness Day? What is with that? I was very aware that I was single yesterday, I am very aware that I am single today, and chances are that I will be very much aware when I am single tomorrow. Is Singles Awareness day the consolation prize to not having a significant other on Valentine’s Day? Does that mean that I am supposed to  buy myself flowers, a box of chocolate, and a stuffed teddy bear to show self love? Ummm, I’ll pass and save my money for something I really want.