One day a few weeks ago I was feeling really lonely. Not lonely because I missed anyone, and it wasn’t a literal type of lonely. I was just lonely on the inside. A sudden emptiness that overcame my sense of presence. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so empty inside. I wanted to just be in a different place but I did not know how to get there. Through the feelings of emptiness came a cloud of sadness. It wasn’t a new feeling, I had been in that space before so I wasn’t alarmed. The re occurrence of that feeling was an eye opener for me, I knew what I needed to do to get out of it, it was time for a much-needed conversation with God.
Every so often I may start to miss my family and friends on the east coast. Sometimes I just miss being around people who have known me for a long time, and even know what I am thinking without even saying a word. My longtime friends know when my smiles are forced, and can tell by the sound of my voice when I am feeling troubled. I must say that those are the times that I actually will not talk to them, since I live close to 5000 miles away, I can hide my feelings by not picking up the phone. However, I do try to speak with my mom at least once a week, usually on Sunday, and every Sunday I get the same question; “Did you go to church today”. Honestly most Sundays the answer is no. The no is not even because I choose sleep over church. I wake up extra early on Sunday’s to make it to the gym for my weekly spin class. The excuse is really after the gym I come home, eat, and relax from my morning workout. The truth is, in reality I am avoiding God. I am avoiding a much-needed, overdue conversation between me and God.
When the lonely feeling came back, I knew it because it hit me in the gut. (I wonder if that is God punching me in the stomach) Yet, I knew exactly what I needed to do to remedy the situation. I no longer let that lonely feeling overwhelm me with depressive thoughts because I understand where it comes from. It frequently happens when I stop listening to God, and start listening to myself.
During one conversation with my mom she told me, “you need to go back to church”. I guess she picked up on my monotone voice as if something was bothering me. Her tone was like any caring mother, one of not really telling me, but still telling me what she expected me to do. So, I listened. That Sunday I went to church and decided to come face to face with God.
I must admit my spirituality is somewhat of a lifelong struggle. I am a Christian. However, I could use a lot of work on my relationship with God. I go to church and sit. Yes, I am a church sitter. I like to go listen to the sermon, and then go home. Not the most Christian like thing to do, so that is one of the areas that I have told God I will work on. I am at times conflicted about what to believe in the bible, mainly because the bible was written by man, more precisely A MAN. I still and will always believe in God, I trust in faith, but when it comes to the bible…well lets just say that I still have some questions.
That Sunday while I was in church I decided I was ready to have my conversation with God. Truthfully, I was not really sure what that conversation would look like. Was God like my own personal therapist, does he just sit and listen while I talk? Or, does God answer back with sound words of advice? God already knows everything that is going on in my life so I don’t have to explain the whole background story, maybe he does all the talking and I just listen. In my head are images of me and God sitting on a comfy couch having a conversation. I talk, and he is giving a gentle smirk to all out laughter because he sees my life as a daily comedy show. Sometimes, I know God is sitting back and laughing, inside I am laughing right along with him. I feel like God and I are old friends, we could talk for hours, he would tell me everything I need to know about life. When we talk I know that everything will be alright. God is always able to make everything alright.
In church, I talked to God. I listened to God’s response. In the car on my way home I continued the conversation, and when I got home the conversation just kept going. I realized I don’t need to hide from God, HE already knows what I want to say and, what I need to say. Every so often, I get confused if it is God I am listening to or just my voice in my own head. When that I happens I know I need to slow down and listen harder. God knows. God knows all.
Lately, I have met a few men who have started conversations with me before and after church, we have even exchanged numbers. Oddly enough I know God is waiting for me to have that conversation with him. I will talk, and he will sit back and smile. I can just see that Godly smirk right now, the smirk of inner peace saying that everything is going to be alright.