Tag: self help

Why Not Be The Best Version Of Yourself!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Goals, Life, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, sex, single girl, TwentiesLeave a comment

S0 here it is: In a few weeks I will be turning 29! Yup 29. (I am silently wondering if I should be having a brief panic attack) Since I am entering my last year in my twenties, I have decided to do a little bit of self-reflection.

While in my twenties I would say that I almost met all of the societal expectations of girls in their twenties. I graduated from college, entered the professional world, learned how to balance a check book, and dated a variety of men. Where did I go wrong? Well I didn’t get married, and I have no children. In my thirties, if I stay on this track  I will be considered a social leper by the standards of some.  Apparently marriage and babies is the icing on the cake for women in their twenties. Therefore, when women reach their thirties they will be complete with a family, or divorced, take your pick. As a woman, if you are still or newly single in your thirties, you continue to go on what may seem like endless dates, continue to look for Mr. Right, or maybe just Mr. Right now, oh and  you even get the wonderful added pity of people who feel so sorry for you life of singledom that they go out of their way to offer to find you Mr. Right now. Do women ever get the chance to just be happy with themselves, by themselves, and love it?

I spent the majority of my early to mid twenties involved in serious relationships. When I was around the age of 24, I was dating a man who I just knew I wanted to marry. For some strange reason I wanted a husband right then. My boyfriend at the time was cute, and he had a job, he took care of me, so he was perfect to marry right? Well no it was not that simple. I wanted to get married yes, but not because I actually wanted to be a wife or understood what it actually meant to be a wife, at the time I just thought the idea of having a husband would be nice. I would have someone to take care of me, and we would just automatically become one. I must give the credit to God on that one, he knew exactly what he was doing with that didn’t work.

At 24 I would have made a horrible wife. I’ll admit it, just horrible. I was selfish, egocentric, bratty, spoiled, and had no idea of what it meant to be a wife, or how to treat a husband. Marriage was just a word in my vocabulary. I truly wanted the wedding and not the marriage. Looking back life worked out exactly the way life was supposed to work.  However, if I did get married the advantage was then I would not have to face life alone. I could go from living with my parents, to living with my husband. When I was younger I remember my mother telling me that I needed to find a husband so he can take me away. To my mom, she could just marry me off so she wouldn’t have to support me anymore. What a silly idea that was. When the marriage plan didn’t work out, I created a new plan, my own plan. My plan actually turned out to be the right plan. I would live life for me, and figure out how to be the best version of me first before I tried to share my life with someone else.

Around the age of 25, I once heard Oprah and Mya Angelou say that life gets better at 50. So being the me that I am, I figured that I only have to wait 25 more years, then life will start to get good. I will feel free, and living my best days…but at 50, which seems like an eternity away. Did I really want to wait that long? No. I have a huge problem with impatience. So my next thought was how do I make today my best day. I can make life start right now, today, and really live. The advantage had been that I could figure that out all by myself. I had no one to answer to. It was my life, and I could do whatever I wanted to with it. Suddenly I realized the bright side of not getting married, and being a horrible wife at the age of 24. I was given the opportunity to grow, to learn, to love me for who I am, to learn to love other people exactly for who they are, and to learn how to be a good wife. With growth, I learned compromise, I learned the joys of giving, and to be happy seeing other people happy.  I found my own personal happiness, and no one could take that away from me.

During my twenties I feel my biggest accomplishment has been becoming the a better version of myself. With time spent alone, I have learned to love myself first as an individual. Doing small things on my own, has helped me to learn to appreciate my own company.  I am content in knowing what I love and what I don’t love. What I want and what I don’t want.  I used to have fears of going to eat alone, going to the movies alone, or vacationing alone. In the past few years I have overcome all of those fears, and many more. So as I turn 29 do I feel like I have life figured out? Oh no, far from it. But I do know that I am now living life at my best, I appreciate everything that I have to offer to the world. Most importantly, I know that I do not have to wait another 20 years for life to start, because I am ready to start living  life at my best everyday.

Focus:Where Art Thou?

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Life, Network television, random, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

I have seemed to lost my focus. I wish it would come back. I remember the good old days when I was able to focus, concentrate, and accomplish things. I was able to make things happen!  But, now sadly it has went away. Oh focus where are you? Did someone steal you? Or, did I just stop appreciating your value so you showed yourself the door? Whatever the reason, I really need my focus back and, I need it back soon!

Along with my focus, I feel like I have also lost my motivation, drive, and determination. I am wondering where my edge went also. My go getter attitude. I feel like one day I woke up and a part of me  that was gone. Where did it run to? Everyday it seems as if  I am constantly on an internal scavenger hunt looking for these attributes that make me who I am. Without them I am lost.

Currently I am working on my very first novel. To write a book is hard work and it requires a TON of FOCUS! That is why having my focus back is so important to me. Who knew it would be so hard to actually write a book, and without focus I am doomed, and set on a path to self-destruction. I have a vision for my book, a deadline, and a dream of where I want this book to go. My motivation helps me with that, so I guess I do have a little bit of that left. I want this book to do well, I am a creator. I know the potential that I have to create a life changing project. My determination helps me with that part. I see myself as a brand name in society, a force that is not to be reckoned with. I see multiple projects happening on a daily basis,  a vision of being an outstanding presence in the lives of other. My cutting edge attitude, and high-speed drive to keep going will help me accomplish that piece. But to start I need my FOCUS!

I am on a mission. I will get my focus back, and this time I will not let it go. I will hold on to it tighter than I have ever held onto anything else in my life. Though I know focus is intangible, I will treat it as a tangible object that I will never break or lose. Focus I want you to be my old/new permanent best friend.

And when I get that focus back, I will complete my novel, I will conduct speaking engagements, I will create shows for TV, and maybe I will even have my own TV show. I will be better than I would ever have imagined that I could be. I will be the epitome of a woman who can shape the world…all because I have FOCUS.

My Word: Resilient…

On By Jenni C.In Books, Finding meaning, Hawaii, random, Self Discovery, self helpLeave a comment

Recently I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. First I must admit that I loved the book, so I would recommend the book to anyone as a first option rather than seeing the movie. In my opinion the movie does the book a great injustice (but I hear that about most books that go to movie version, right?). Maybe when I have my book turned movie we can keep it as true to form as possible. Sorry, I digress.

When I originally watched Liz Gilbert on Oprah in 2008 speaking on her journey, I immediately  fell in love with her story. Her admiration, courage, and inspirational message, was one that forced me to stop, think, and reflect on my own life. I think we all may have points in life when we feel unhappy, uneasy, worried, and stuck. But the way we move forward from those points are the true measure of who we are as individuals.

Click to show "Eat, Pray, Love" result 9

I must admit that after hearing Liz Gilbert speak, and eventually reading her story, significantly helped me make the decision to move away from my city life and come to Hawaii. I was at a point in life where I did not know what to do next, feeling unhappy, and stuck. I knew something needed to change and, I had to be the vessel to promote the change that was needed for my life. Though it was not an easy decision, it was what I personally needed, change. Looking back now I know it was the right decision, even in times of doubt I know it was right.  It was a change that saved my life.

In “Eat, Pray, Love”, it is mentioned that every person and city has a word. The word for Rome is sex, the word for New York is achieve, and Gilbert declares her word to be attaversiamo which is Italian for “Let’s cross over”. Well this had me thinking about what my word could be. At first glance I thought my word should be “crazy hot mess”. I know, I know, that’s three words. Maybe if I translate it to another language then it will be only one word. But, then again I am really not that much of a crazy hot mess, and that really doesn’t describe the essence of my full being and everything that comes along with it.

So after much careful thought and planning I decided my word is RESILIENT! In some respect I hate to use the word Resilient as “my word” because I do have times where I feel that it is a commonly overused word. But as I think more about my own life, what I have overcome, the choices I have made, and where I am now, I can’t help but to say that my word is truly Resilient! I have struggled, second guessed, hated myself, and came back to eventually love myself and everything I have to offer the world. So in retrospect, yes I am Resilient!

However, there are times when I feel as if I am not worthy of using that word. Have I been through enough? Do I really know what it is like to come out of a struggle and keep living? I ask myself those questions because in my real life I am a therapist. I have a degree in counseling psychology, and I think I am pretty good at what I do.  I help families who struggle with controlling their teenage children. After a recent session I had with a parent, I realized resiliency goes a lot further than I have ever imagined and sometimes the only choice in life is to be resilient in order to find the energy to wake up the next day.

See this parent is a single mom with four children. Two of the children are in elementary school, one is in high school, and the oldest is a young adult. This mom has been constantly struggling to make sure that her older children lead the right path in life and learn responsibility, while making sure that the younger children avoid the pitfalls of society. Recently this mom lost her job. An unwanted setback that will end up in a test of her own strength.

As I sat in session with her, I listened. I realized that she has no choice but to be resilient. She can not just give up on herself, because to give up on herself would be to give up on her children. As a single mom she does not have the luxury of taking a year off from life to travel and find herself. She cannot just pick up and move to start life over when life gets tough. She has to keep living through the hard times. She has to keep pushing, have hope, and pray that tomorrow is better than the day before.

As I listened, I felt at a loss for words. I have never been in her shoes. I cannot imagine the hopelessness that she was feeling. But, I was there for her. I did the best job I knew how and,  I attempted to help her remember that she does have to keep going.  I realized that no matter what life gives her, she will never have a simple choice, she has to think about herself and the children. She cannot give up, she keeps going each day, holding on tighter to the feeling that the best is yet to come. She continues to believe and have faith that life will work, and in the end she will come out of it surly being resilient!

In Hawaii they like and put a ring on it!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

I have realized something about Hawaii that is not so apparent in NY or at least not in such high numbers. Girls in their mid 20’s and early 30’s are married! Yes they have husbands and kids to match. By the tender age of 23 a local girl may be married and have at least 1 but maybe 2 kids! Even girls who look like they are still in high school have rings on their fingers. Rings, rings, everywhere! And here I am the lonely girl from NY, approaching 30 with no ring. Is there something wrong with me? Heck No, at least I don’t think so. But to the older local women, I know it leaves them to wonder why?

When I go to the nail salon to get my nails done and my eyebrows waxed the little Asian lady who is always so very nice to me, asks me the same questions each time. Did you work today? and Are you married? My answers, yes and no respectively. Next comes, why you not married, you are so pretty, and getting older. I guess my job is no longer important at that point. Well it is good to know that I’m pretty, but I guess the closer you get to approaching 30 the less likely the chances you will get a man to marry you. Is that true? Maybe not, but on this island I am starting to think that is a truth.

Apparently the culture of marriage so different in Hawaii. In NY it is a social norm to be in your 20’s or 30’s and not married. It’s a time to have fun with your girls and talk about your dates. You have a job, your own money, and have the chance to develop into a strong independent woman.  You don’t feel like the single girl leper who is about to die alone. In NY you get the chance to play your own rendition of sex and the city with your girlfriends, with everyone having their own version of the infamous Mr. Big.  Conversation is enlightened by the bad dates you go on, and the cute guys you meet on the train. Not the cute thing your toddler did today and how your husband is driving you crazy.

I haven’t really been able to pinpoint why the girls in Hawaii get married so young but I guess it just goes with the environment and the culture. I have Hawaiian  friends who were married at 18, 19, or sometime in their early 20’s, and have really big kids to match. So here I am floating around in life like a nomad, and these girls have families to take care. Believe me I DO NOT want to switch places with them for a second. I know some girls who are divorced by 30, and have to take care of their kids, and do not have much of a social life. Leaves little time for fun. In NY women has a sense of independence, they set goals, dream about influential careers, and want to be the woman in control. In NY girls are more likely to follow a path of doing well in college and moving up the corporate ladder. They play with the big boys, and that focused drive leaves you to put marriage on the back burner. Woman of the big city are on a path to being at the head of the board room and set themselves up so they do not have to rely on a man. The rush to build a family, and have the man go to work while babies are made is not so apparent.

So what is it. Why do girls in Hawaii seem to live with their boyfriends and get married before they have had any chance for independence. Does that really work? I can’t speak on another person’s happiness because they seem happy to me. Maybe self exploration and independence is not as important for some people as it was for me. And if it works go with it! Having a long happy marriage is never a bad thing in life. It also seems to be a generational thing on the island also, parents are young, grandparents are also young. I guess that’s good so they can help you take care of your children. When looking at military wives some of them are also very young to.  And may I just add from the ones I met they seem to be just a bit unsure of themselves. Who can blame them, when you are 20 what do you really know about life, although you may think you know it all you really are just starting to build a sense of identity.

When I look back on myself and the relationships I was in when I was in my late teens and early 20’s , I am extremely happy and overjoyed that I did not get married at that age. Not because they were bad relationships, but because I was so not ready to be a wife. A marriage is a serious commitment, and if I could not understand what it means to be a wife, and for a man to be a husband then I know I would eventually not be happy. People change, good people grow, and learn from life, they learn together, they learn as individuals. They learn to have a sense of understanding, and continuous growth together that is necessary to make a good marriage. But first you need to know your self as an individual and love your independent self without your other half. This will lead you to better appreciate your half of the relationship, and give the most unconditional love to the other half of your relationship.

Before I learned to be independent on my own, and could stand alone, I admit, I would have been a horrible wife! I would have been defined solely as a man’s wife and not as a woman who is amazing and the perfect complement to her husband. My sense of identity would have been non existant because it would have never had a chance to fully develop on its own. And the worst part is I know that I would be left with the feeling of “what if”. So do I think as I approach 30 my chances of finding a husband will decrease, maybe. But that is only because I will be able to weed out the men with a strong sense of insecurity about having a woman who does not need him, but is willing to work with him. I will weed out the men who have fear the confidence and  success of a woman, and are challenged by a woman expressing valid opinions. I don’t mind though because, that will leave me with a man who is confident enough to be part of a team, who has an intellectual mind, and who can keep me on my toes because together our bond will be so strong that it will create a force that will not be matched.

My Mr. Nice Guy

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I think I may have met someone. Yeah someone who has boyfriend potential. Checking his stats he has boyfriend potential, and so far, so good, so he may be the one. Or least the one who can hang around the longest for right now. Going down my check list he meets most of the qualifications to pass through to the next level of building a deeper relationship. He has a college degree, he can talk in complete sentences (don’t ask, but yeah that seems to be a missing trait in men), he is very outgoing, down to try anything new, is in to living life, and he is cute. He is an all around wholesome nice guy.

Uh oh!!!! I said it! He is a NICE GUY. Ok ladies now let’s admit it, we are secretly attracted to the bad boy. The bad boy has a certain I don’t give a fuck attitude about him that makes us want him. The bad boy who is no good for you,  the guy that makes you wonder why he doesn’t call you back, or why he is not giving you attention all the time. When he does give us attention it comes in little spurts, but we eat it up, and want more. The bad boys are the ones who get the girls. Sometimes they are sweethearts, other times they are complete jerks. But they find a balance in their attitude that leaves girls wanting more. The bad boy can be broke with no job, and find a woman to let him live on her couch. He has game, and also has two, three, or more chicks all at the same time. People ask me what type of guy I like, my response, the cute jerk! I don’t like the extreme bad boy because I personally find his sense of arrogance annoying, but I like the slight bad boy. He is nice at times, jerky at other times, but he is so damn cute which in my mind cancels out his annoying pompous cocky attitude. I know he will protect me when needed, and his swag is so on point that he has every other girl wanting him too (which sucks!!!). But that is my cute jerk.

So as I get older, lets try something new. The Nice guy, the guy I would normally shoot right to the friend zone. My new nice guy is a sweetheart, really a sweetheart. He doesn’t do extreme chivalry but that’s ok because I don’t like that anyway. But he does the little things. Such as, wanting to hold my hand when we walk down the block, or walk on the beach and just talk. He refuses to let me see him as a friend so for now he says we are companions.

The problem: He is in the military and is going to be deployed for six months. I feel like I am holding back, and can’t get too attached to him because, I know soon he will be gone and I will miss him. I don’t want to miss anyone. I am so over missing people. I missed my ex boyfriend for so long, now that I am done with that, I am just not in the mood to miss anyone else. I want someone who is here. Who is with me, and who is not going to leave. So although I can see myself really falling for Mr. nice guy, now is not the time. It seems like for me, timing is always wrong, and I just patiently wait for timing to be right. Wait and wait for that day when it is the right place, the right moment, the right time.

Mr. nice guy is in the Marines.  Now my personal opinion, don’t date military men. They have a certain element of crazy about them. But he doesn’t come off as crazy, or at least I haven’t seen his side of crazy. He talks to me, he communicates well, we laugh together, and we can enjoy each other’s company. For Valentine’s day he took me to see Brian McKnight, it was wonderful!  A magical moment that would make two people fall in love. Ok I did not fall in love with Mr. nice guy just yet, but it did make me appreciate his company more. I have a sense of comfort when I am around him that I haven’t had in a long time, and it’s just nice to relax in his presence. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what I look like, and he is impressed by me just being myself. Wow what a breath of fresh air!

So hopefully all will continue to go well with my newly found nice guy, and I will keep you updated on our progress. Maybe his six month deployment won’t be so bad and we can start a real relationship. We will see with time, but hey if all goes well maybe I will be willing to give up my single girl lifestyle for an even better relationship lifestyle!

The spirit of Aloooooooha!!

On By Jenni C.In Hawaii, Life, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

In Hawaii there is an overwhelming sense of the spirit of Aloha!! It is something that can be compared to a warmth of kindness that is rarely experienced on the mainland. Even the south can take notes! It comes with a feeling a gratitude, a warming smile, a community feeling, that embodies the essence of natural kindness. Aloha comes with a peaceful feeling that says, yes you are important to me, and I care about you my friend.

I write this to say, that in Hawaii I have experienced some things that I have never felt in New York. Let me start with this, for one the Executive Vice President of the company I work for actually knows my name! Small feature, I don’t think so. I have worked at places where I don’t even think my own direct supervisor knows my name. In addition to that she always greets with a warm mother like type hug, and a friendly welcoming of,  Hello Jennifer! Wow was I impressed the first time this occurred. A hug and smile from the Vice President. I must admit that I was feeling a little rude inside because I did not know the proper way to act, or how to approach this instance. I did give a hug back in return, I just left with the feeling that mine was not good enough to embrace the Aloha!

Another example of this is when we have pot lucks at work due to somebody moving on to a new job. Before everyone starts to eat, we gather in a circle and a small prayer of sorts or blessing is said. No separation of church and state here. And again the VP shows up with her big smile, and also brings a dish to share. Time is made for employees to enjoy each other, and laugh together. Co workers are aware of the joys and struggles in each others lives, and judgment is left out of the process. It is an environment where it is Ok to just be who you are, and still put your best foot forward.

At a meeting I had attended, before it began a traditional Hawaiian song was sung to start off the meeting. Sorry I forget what it is called, but it was a song like no other. The room was still as this woman’s voice called the meeting to order though her gift of song. It was a magical moment, that made it feel like we were all standing by the ocean watching the waves in peace.

So from Hawaii I am sending a warm sense of Aloha! Be kind today. Be kind to a stranger, to family, to friends. A smile will take you a long way, and a smile towards someone else will always bring brightness into their day!!!