Friendzone: Is it really as bad as it sounds?

Honolulu from Diamond Head.
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Quick life update: In 2012 I have returned to dating.

One thing Hawaii is not lacking is available men to date. Now as for high quality available men,  that is a different story. This is one situation where quantity is not better than quality. However I must deal with it, roll with the punches, and perhaps one day a true high quality man will enter into my existence. As for now, well back to the dating scene.

Dating is a tricky situation at times. I am obviously not going to have a connection with everyone I date. However, sometimes even if there is no possible chance of having a love connection, I would like to think that I can at least make a new friend from the situation. Can men and women ever just be friends, or does that notion leave universal existence after we graduate from elementary school?

I hear it a lot from my male friends that no guy ever wants to be friendzoned. Yet, I have met many of my male friends in my adult life, and we have successfully managed to have a platonic relationship up until this point (well with most of them at least). Men usually tell me that no girl is really just a friend, they are just waiting for that  one opportunity to hook up. They sit back and wait patiently,  play the friendship role, but if the opportunity is there to cross the line, then they are ready to jump. It becomes hard to have friends of the opposite sex if all they are waiting for is that one lonely moment where you will hook up.

Well I learned that lesson this past weekend. During one of my past adventures in the world of online dating , I met a man who I knew we would not work in a relationship, however he would better fit in my life as a friend. We hung out a few times, and never hooked up.  There were no hidden messages as we were truly just friends. Or so I thought. See,  I am as transparent as possible when it comes to dating, so I informed him that we will only be friends and I’ll show him fun things around the island.  I am always ready to make a new friend, and he agreed to the situation that presented itself at the start of our friendship.  Over the next few weeks, we went out sparingly and he would tell me about females that he was dating, I gave him relationship advice. I had no problem with that, that’s what friends do, discuss everything including relationships right? I was under the impression that we would just continue to be friends, apparently he was under the impression that we would eventually have more than friendship. What went wrong here?

On New Year’s Eve we went to a party in Honolulu. As he began to drink the questions started to come out. The questions, such as why was I single? I answered as honestly as possible. “Since I am dating for a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, I have high standards for the men I date. I know what type of man I want, and I just have not met him yet. ” He was offended by that response. To me it was nothing against him, it was the truth. Apparently he felt like he was not good enough for me. He was only good enough to be in the friendzone.

I made a horrible attempt to explain to him that I want and need a man in my life who is stable, secure in life, strong in his career. Someone who already has the basics of what he wants, and is now working on ways to move forward. Someone who has accomplished goals, and has the determination to keep going. Not to say to him that he won’t be that man, however he is not there right now. He is just not the right man for me. He is a friend.

When I put him in the friendzone, I left him to question his own inadequacy in relationships.  I may have tested his manhood. I made him question why he was not good enough. Though that was not my intention, those were the results. I felt guilty. I will take the blame, because perhaps I did lead him on by allowing him to enter my life as a friend knowing I would never want anything more. What happens next is up to him. I will still be a friend if he is willing to remain in that zone. If he wants to end communication with me, then I will understand that also. Adult life is so much more complicated than elementary school. Is it ever possible for men and women to just remain in the friendzone?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!

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I want off this “Ship”, what I really want is a “Relationship”

Recently I was having a conversation with a male friend about his most recent relationship. According to him, he had just gotten out of a 3 year “ship”.  Yeah “ship”. I asked him to elaborate on what exactly was a “ship”. He proceed to explain that a “ship”, was kind of like a relationship, but not exactly a relationship. No commitments, no demands, no expectations, basically no relationship. A “ship”. My definition of a “ship”: A friendShip with benefits, but don’t expect too much more because you are not in an actual relationShip. Think of it as dating extended, or relationship limbo.

Photo courtesy of Astrid London

Before the whole concept of the relationship hits its death bed, I want to make an effort to try to save it while it is still on life support. I’m going to target this one towards women.  I will agree with Steve Harvey on this one point: women, we have the control as to what we want from the relationship with a man. We set the expectations of what this relationship will be, if you have no expectations, sadly you will get nothing in return.  With the acceptance of an undefined relationship, you will eventually set yourself up for disappointment, and anger. Women, if you want an actual relationship, lets start by not accepting the “ship”.

To be in an undefined “ship” for 3 years is a long time. Women will eventually want more. Reality check time: no one is ever really happy being the side chick, the baby mamma hanging on to her baby daddy who has a new girlfriend,  or a wifey but never a wife. Women we may stay in that “ship”, on the hopes that it may turn into a relationship. After 3 years, you can almost be certain that you will not get that relationship that you want. As women we are emotional creatures who look for connections. So if choose to stay in that “ship” now, don’t be surprised by the disappointment you may face later.

The good news: If you are in a ship, you can jump off at any time you are ready. The “ship” can also be avoided all together.

Photo courtesy of Astrid London

Ways to avoid getting stuck on the “ship”

  • When you meet a man who appears to be your next possible Mr. Right, state your expectations.  Make them clear. If a relationship is what you want, let him know that you are looking for a relationship. A real relationship, you don’t want to just “kick it”, and you don’t want a “ship”. If he doesn’t want a relationship be prepared to walk away, if you don’t walk, you may find yourself smooth sailing on his ship.
  • If  your possible Mr. Right says, “I want a relationship, but I need time to really get to know you”. Fine take that. Give him and yourself time to decide if you two are compatible for a committed relationship. Date him, you should even date other people if you want to weigh your options. However, make sure you have a timeline. Use your best instincts, and make your timeline is one that you are comfortable with.  If you say to yourself, and to him, I need to know if we are ready for commitment in three months, make sure you check back in three months to see if he is ready for a committed relationship. If you overlook the check back stage then you will be on that ship to the land of confusion, questioning what you two are doing. If he is not ready for that relationship that you want, then be ready to walk. There are other men who will give you the relationship that you want.
  • If you find yourself on the “ship”, but you are having a good time. (this is a hard one) In the moment it may not seem so bad, it may even be fun. Ask yourself are you looking for fun right now or, are you looking for a relationship  for the long run.  Think about the direction that you want this ship to go. Jump in the captain’s seat and take control. Again if you want a relationship, say so! This guy may be a good guy for you and may be boyfriend material, tell him you want a commitment. If nothing is said, nothing new will be done.

Men will only treat a women in a way that she allows herself to be treated.  If you accept crap, you will get crap. If you hold yourself to a higher standard, then you will get a higher standard. When a man wants to be with you, you will know it. So when you know what you want, don’t settle for less than that. If a real RELATIONSHIP is what you what, don’t start it off by hoping on that SHIP.

 

Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences

Looking for love in all the wrong places

I was recently browsing through profiles on match.com and one gentleman’s headline was “Looking for love in all the wrong places”. I wondered to myself why would he put that as his match headline. Was he being honest about his bad experiences with love? Or did he really think since everything else was wrong match.com would be the right place to find love? Anyway this headline turned on a light in my head and I thought, I am very much guilty of that too! I can say that one flaw that I have is that I look for long in all of the wrong places. So my next question is how do I fix that?  How am I supposed to know which place is the right place?

Broadway show billboards at the corner of 7th ...
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Now when I say I look for love in all of the wrong places I don’t always mean in the literal sense. Some instances I look for love in the wrong type of guy. The guy I like just because he is gorgeous, the guy who is emotionally unavailable, the guy who is just looking for sex real quick, the guy who is only focused on himself and no one else, or the guy with the baggage.

I rarely go out to club or hit the bar scene looking for love. Looking for love with the presence of excessive alcohol can lead to a not so good outcome (speaking from experience). So, if I am at the club the intention is just to have a good time with friends not to meet my husband. Unless by some weirdness of the universe all rules are broken, the stars are aligned in perfect form, then I may just meet Mr. Forever, at the club. Not holding my breath for that to happen.

Love in all the wrong places. Love has to do with timing, right place, right time, right? Or maybe not, maybe it is sheer luck. Just happens one day, blindsides you while you are not even looking.

 

 

 

 

I wonder is there ever a right place to look for love? Once a male friend told me to stop looking. I poorly tried to convince him that I wasn’t looking, I was just browsing every once in a while. Yeah he didn’t buy that. He said “stop looking”. My next thought was, “if I don’t look then how will I know when I found it?”.

An entrance to the Times Square – 42nd Street ...
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Thinking back some of the places where I have looked for love may have defiantly been the wrong place. Let’s see, the gym, hiking, at the auto shop while my car was getting fixed, at the mall, or even on the NYC subway! Hey cute guys have been at all these places, and since they were cute I gave them my number thinking that there may be a small chance we would have a connection.  EPIC FAIL!  Nothing came from any of those situations, not even heartache, actually more like a headache.

At the present moment I am taking a break from “looking” for love. Since I keep going to the wrong place, I first have to figure out where the right place would be then continue my search. I am having a focus shift back to what I can control, myself! So where is the right place to find love? Well stay tuned, because when I reach that place I will be sure to let you know!

* Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences.

 

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