I want off this “Ship”, what I really want is a “Relationship”

Recently I was having a conversation with a male friend about his most recent relationship. According to him, he had just gotten out of a 3 year “ship”.  Yeah “ship”. I asked him to elaborate on what exactly was a “ship”. He proceed to explain that a “ship”, was kind of like a relationship, but not exactly a relationship. No commitments, no demands, no expectations, basically no relationship. A “ship”. My definition of a “ship”: A friendShip with benefits, but don’t expect too much more because you are not in an actual relationShip. Think of it as dating extended, or relationship limbo.

Photo courtesy of Astrid London

Before the whole concept of the relationship hits its death bed, I want to make an effort to try to save it while it is still on life support. I’m going to target this one towards women.  I will agree with Steve Harvey on this one point: women, we have the control as to what we want from the relationship with a man. We set the expectations of what this relationship will be, if you have no expectations, sadly you will get nothing in return.  With the acceptance of an undefined relationship, you will eventually set yourself up for disappointment, and anger. Women, if you want an actual relationship, lets start by not accepting the “ship”.

To be in an undefined “ship” for 3 years is a long time. Women will eventually want more. Reality check time: no one is ever really happy being the side chick, the baby mamma hanging on to her baby daddy who has a new girlfriend,  or a wifey but never a wife. Women we may stay in that “ship”, on the hopes that it may turn into a relationship. After 3 years, you can almost be certain that you will not get that relationship that you want. As women we are emotional creatures who look for connections. So if choose to stay in that “ship” now, don’t be surprised by the disappointment you may face later.

The good news: If you are in a ship, you can jump off at any time you are ready. The “ship” can also be avoided all together.

Photo courtesy of Astrid London

Ways to avoid getting stuck on the “ship”

  • When you meet a man who appears to be your next possible Mr. Right, state your expectations.  Make them clear. If a relationship is what you want, let him know that you are looking for a relationship. A real relationship, you don’t want to just “kick it”, and you don’t want a “ship”. If he doesn’t want a relationship be prepared to walk away, if you don’t walk, you may find yourself smooth sailing on his ship.
  • If  your possible Mr. Right says, “I want a relationship, but I need time to really get to know you”. Fine take that. Give him and yourself time to decide if you two are compatible for a committed relationship. Date him, you should even date other people if you want to weigh your options. However, make sure you have a timeline. Use your best instincts, and make your timeline is one that you are comfortable with.  If you say to yourself, and to him, I need to know if we are ready for commitment in three months, make sure you check back in three months to see if he is ready for a committed relationship. If you overlook the check back stage then you will be on that ship to the land of confusion, questioning what you two are doing. If he is not ready for that relationship that you want, then be ready to walk. There are other men who will give you the relationship that you want.
  • If you find yourself on the “ship”, but you are having a good time. (this is a hard one) In the moment it may not seem so bad, it may even be fun. Ask yourself are you looking for fun right now or, are you looking for a relationship  for the long run.  Think about the direction that you want this ship to go. Jump in the captain’s seat and take control. Again if you want a relationship, say so! This guy may be a good guy for you and may be boyfriend material, tell him you want a commitment. If nothing is said, nothing new will be done.

Men will only treat a women in a way that she allows herself to be treated.  If you accept crap, you will get crap. If you hold yourself to a higher standard, then you will get a higher standard. When a man wants to be with you, you will know it. So when you know what you want, don’t settle for less than that. If a real RELATIONSHIP is what you what, don’t start it off by hoping on that SHIP.

 

Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences

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Soul Mates: Is that for real?

After nearly two weeks, I finally returned to Bikram yoga today. Painful is an understatement for the appropriate word to describe that experience. By the start of the floor series I was ready to go back home and crawl myself back in my bed. A missed week of Bikram, is like starting your first hot yoga class over again. On my travels east, I did go with my friend to a Bikram Yoga class in Virgina, however the experience was nothing like the Honolulu Bikram experience. Ahhh, another reason to love Honolulu 🙂

As I attempted my 90 minute moving meditation in the very hot room, my mind started to wander. Well my mind always wanders, nothing new.

But today my wandering brought me to thoughts about soul mates. Do they really exist, or is the idea of a soul mate a piece of fiction that can be comparable to Walt Disney fairy tale?

If this blog by some random chance of fate gone wild ever turned into a book, turned movie, my movie would not be your typical love story, or romantic comedy like so many other single girl goes on a random adventure to find a new life kind of movie.  My movie would be more like a cynical comedy. Somewhat like Juno. Dry humor, with an unpredictable ending that is still unwritten.

If my life were fit for true Hollywood fashion it would go something like this: I leave New York, fly across the world, end up in Hawaii, learn the island, then randomly meet a gorgeous, charming man in a way that involves some form of irony, he falls in love with my quirks, flaws, and amazing personality. We spend an endless amount of time together, we have the all too predictable conflict over a meaningless topic, eventually get back together because we realize this is what the universe wants. The ending:  we drive pass the ocean into the sunset. In movie world, I would have met my soul mate by now, or at least someone who I thought was my soul mate for the time being.

However, in reality, my life works something like this: I leave New York, fly across the world, end up in Hawaii, learn the island, make a ton of crazy friends, engage in life threatening adventures just to see if I survive, go to work everyday but love my job, and sit around thinking about what my next life challenge will be. Hmm that may not be interesting enough for the big screen. In my movie world, I will not stumble upon Mr. Perfect one day, who I eventually realize is the one I have been looking for all my life ( how cheesy does that sound anyway?)

But I am starting to wonder, do soul mates actually exist. Some married  people have said, I knew I had met “the one” the moment I laid eyes them, is that real? Or, do people just say things like that because it sounds like love? Personally, I don’t think I would know  my soul mate if he actually did come and save my life because I was about to get by a bus (just saying). I am not sure if ever in my life have I just laid eyes on someone, and knew he was “the one”. I think I have actually fallen in love by accident, it just happens over time. Obviously I haven’t yet met my soul mate.

Since I have decided that I would not make a good career military wife, I doubt my soul mate is on the island of Oahu. Maybe he is on Maui? Or,  maybe not. Since there are so many people in the world, maybe we all get a pick of three or four soul mates. Fate would have us only meet one anyway there would be no conflict later in life. Perhaps my soul mate is in another state,  he  could actually be in New York and I just missed him. I could do some more traveling in case my soul mate is in another country. However, if fate brings us together than I really don’t have to look for him right? He will just pop out of the sky one day by some random coincidence. That sounds about right. I am not searching for “the one”. I will just stay still and let life happen.

To anyone who has found their soul mate, how did you know it was that person? And more importantly are they everything you expected they would be?

Looking for love in all the wrong places

I was recently browsing through profiles on match.com and one gentleman’s headline was “Looking for love in all the wrong places”. I wondered to myself why would he put that as his match headline. Was he being honest about his bad experiences with love? Or did he really think since everything else was wrong match.com would be the right place to find love? Anyway this headline turned on a light in my head and I thought, I am very much guilty of that too! I can say that one flaw that I have is that I look for long in all of the wrong places. So my next question is how do I fix that?  How am I supposed to know which place is the right place?

Broadway show billboards at the corner of 7th ...
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Now when I say I look for love in all of the wrong places I don’t always mean in the literal sense. Some instances I look for love in the wrong type of guy. The guy I like just because he is gorgeous, the guy who is emotionally unavailable, the guy who is just looking for sex real quick, the guy who is only focused on himself and no one else, or the guy with the baggage.

I rarely go out to club or hit the bar scene looking for love. Looking for love with the presence of excessive alcohol can lead to a not so good outcome (speaking from experience). So, if I am at the club the intention is just to have a good time with friends not to meet my husband. Unless by some weirdness of the universe all rules are broken, the stars are aligned in perfect form, then I may just meet Mr. Forever, at the club. Not holding my breath for that to happen.

Love in all the wrong places. Love has to do with timing, right place, right time, right? Or maybe not, maybe it is sheer luck. Just happens one day, blindsides you while you are not even looking.

 

 

 

 

I wonder is there ever a right place to look for love? Once a male friend told me to stop looking. I poorly tried to convince him that I wasn’t looking, I was just browsing every once in a while. Yeah he didn’t buy that. He said “stop looking”. My next thought was, “if I don’t look then how will I know when I found it?”.

An entrance to the Times Square – 42nd Street ...
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Thinking back some of the places where I have looked for love may have defiantly been the wrong place. Let’s see, the gym, hiking, at the auto shop while my car was getting fixed, at the mall, or even on the NYC subway! Hey cute guys have been at all these places, and since they were cute I gave them my number thinking that there may be a small chance we would have a connection.  EPIC FAIL!  Nothing came from any of those situations, not even heartache, actually more like a headache.

At the present moment I am taking a break from “looking” for love. Since I keep going to the wrong place, I first have to figure out where the right place would be then continue my search. I am having a focus shift back to what I can control, myself! So where is the right place to find love? Well stay tuned, because when I reach that place I will be sure to let you know!

* Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences.

 

Illustration depicting thought.
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Love: Does it really matter what color it comes in?

 Recently, I came across an article in Essence Magazine on Black Love. This topic is an interesting one for me because as I make attempts to open myself up to dating men of different races, the thought of eventually marrying a Black man always comes to my mind. Now don’t get me wrong, I see nothing wrong with interracial dating. Love is about the relationship you are in and not the color of their skin. I say date, marry, love, whoever makes you happy.

Vector image of two human figures with hands i...
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However, personally in my life I have only loved and been in serious romantic relationships with Black men. It always seems to work out that way. Black men approach me more often, ask me to go out, and show their interest in getting to know me. I must be honest, I love the sexiness of a Black man. When I see a Black man who carries himself well, who walks with style and purpose, it makes me smile. I have an overwhelming feeling that I must get to know him, see what he is about. So yes, I may put in a little more effort, smile a tad bit more, or use subtle flirtation so he would know that I am interested.

Barack and Michelle Obama dance arm-in-arm and smile. She wears a white dress, large ring, long earrings and a bracelet. He wears a black tuxedo.

The dating scene in Hawaii is different from New York in that interracial dating in Hawaii is a lot more common. It is a noticeable difference from living in the City. With the large amount of diversity in Hawaii, sure you will see people date outside their race. However,  in Hawaii Black women date outside their race nearly as much as Black men.

Black women are known for being less likely to date outside of their race when compared to black men, or women of other races. That is why it is surprising to see so many Black women with a man of a different race. It actually made me feel more comfortable to actually date a man who was not Black.

As I have said before, I like to do online dating, just because I’m lazy. Online I usually get a lot of hits from men of different racial groups. A lot of the time these men are not black. And a lot of the time I pay them no attention (ok maybe I am missing out). But, one time I actually did attempt to go out with a White man. He had cute pictures, and seemed nice on the phone. In real life, he was still cute, had nice conversation, appeared to be someone who I can get along with. Unfortunately after we went out, he then decided to send me a text saying “what’s up miss phat booty”. Really? Yes I am serious. Miss phat booty! Who does that? Not sure if I took as extra offensive because he was White, or because I thought that was just plain stupid. Needless to say after I told him off in a polite (ok well maybe not so polite) manner, that was the end of my interracial dating experience.

I am not going to let that one experience deter me from ever dating a White man, Hispanic Man, or Asian man again. I am still open to trying to make it work with any man who may be my perfect match. However, it will always be true that when I go out, I am more likely to be approached by a Black man.  A man who is confident, not afraid, sexy, and intelligent will always be attractive to me. I am open to talk to any man who has those qualities, as long as his idea of flirting is not referring to me as “miss phat booty”.

In Hawaii, it is apparent that some Black men prefer to date local women, or Asian women. I know, exotic women are in style at the moment. I also know some Black men who will only date Black women.  I have heard some Black men say that the Black women do not like Black men in Hawaii. I am always amazed when I hear men complain about that. Actually it is  the first time in my life that I have heard Black men not feeling they are getting love from Black women.  This is a rarity to say the least. Black women will always love Black men. To a Black woman, a Black man represents so much more than just being a man. In essence, he is the picture of strength, safety, and a solid foundation. A good Black man is what we saw or wanted to see in our father’s, and who we want our sons to grow up to be. It seems that is why Black Love is important, it represents the struggles of the past, and hope for a brighter future.

Robert De Niro and his wife Grace Hightower at...
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Due to the lack of available Black men in Hawaii, I may continue to date more outside of my race. My mental picture of my husband; a handsome Black man, may need to change to a handsome White man. Time will tell, and it will be interesting. Either way I am ready to embrace what is in store for me, and take the type of love that the universe has to offer.

*Positive energy, Positive thoughts, Positive experiences!

Dating 101- Start By Breaking All The Rules!

An astronomical amount of money is being made off of exploiting single women. It is a market where people portray as wanting to help but really feed off of desperation.

Bookstores are over flooded with relationship books aimed particularly at women. The topics range from how to find a date, how to get that man to commit, how to get him to marry you, and the hundreds of different rules on dating. It is no wonder that so many women act a little bit crazy when it comes to dating. Some will never know what is right or wrong, what to really say, how to really act, and when to really leave because that man you are dating was never any good to begin with. But you followed all the rules, and you got him to commit. Even if that commitment makes you just a tad bit miserable on a daily basis.

There are seminars held for women on how to catch a man and keep him. While these seminars are not cheap, many women line up to attend. Do they work? I hope so because they take time and money. In fact you should be able to walk out of one with your very own personal husband. At least then I would know that I got my money’s worth. You pay enough money to learn how to find a man, so why not just give you one at the end of the class. Do they have similar seminars for men on how to find a woman? If so, do men actually attend?

Some women hold on to relationship books as if it is their very own personal bible, or textbook. Pages are highlighted, sticky notes hold important facts, and some women end up quoting these books to their friends and family. Next someone should create the college course on “How to find a man 101”, I am sure many female students and even professors will sign up to take that course. Heck, maybe they will let me teach it! Oh wait, I am still single so I guess I wouldn’t be the best candidate. But then again, I know how to find a man (actually we all do), but maybe I can teach a course in how to find one, since that is the main objective.

Steve Harvey has made a fortune exploiting women’s insecurities about being single. He has found a market that is a gold mine. The insecure single woman!  They have launched his book to the New York Times best sellers list, and someone thought that they even let him come with a second book. Everyday a new relationship book, or article is passed around from woman to woman. These books are the topics of book club discussions and, work lunch chatter. Even the Jersey Shore’s own Jwoww wrote a book on “The Rules” of dating. Don’t worry my book will be in stores soon, I hope it becomes a best seller.

Since dating advice is a big market for success, let me add in my own two cents. (Maybe I will be famous tomorrow)

With all the different so-called “rules” of dating, there really are No Rules! Rules are meant to be broken, so just break them. You may find that you get better success breaking the rules than following your highlighted sentences in your dating advice book.  Dating is not simple. It does not break down into a map, or a blueprint that will lead you to a husband at the end. If it did then we would all be paired up with someone. Dating is complex, because people are complex beings. Not all women are alike and certainly not all men are alike. Therefore, look at the person you are dealing with, and make your next move person specific.

Other Things- Not Rules

To call or not to call: As a woman should you ask a man for his number? Well you can sit and wait for him to ask. But what if he doesn’t ask?  The you will sit and drive yourself crazy wondering why he has not asked for your number of course. So if you want to talk to him, ask for his number. If that turns him off or sends him away, then tell him to kick rocks that was not the man for you. And you will have to admit to yourself that he was ambivalent about you in the first place because he never asked for your number.

To email or not to email: When dating online you may wonder if you should send a message to a person of interest. Well if you want to talk to him then you should. Why not? Oh that might turn him off right? Well again, tell him to kick rocks. You are saving yourself trouble for later. Send a message, if there is interest, then its not a problem.

To ask out on a date or not ask out: Well do you want to hang out with him or not? Yes, a man will ask you out if he wants to spend time with you. But, if you want to go out with him and see what the vibe is like then invite him out. Keep it simple please! For instance, if you were going to see a free concert, grab a cup of coffee, or go to the beach, ask him if he would like to come along. No harm in inviting him to spend time with you. You were going to go anyway, so if he turns you down you can still have fun without him. Again keep it simple! I say that because you don’t want the awkwardness of who is going to pay for this date since you asked him to come along.

To make the first contact after the first date: Sure why not! Just not too soon, you don’t want to smother. But if its the next day, and you want to say hello, call, text, or email. If you are afraid of him losing interest because of that small contact, well you already know…tell him to kick rocks! If that turns him off, then he really wasn’t that into you anyway.

Save yourself the trouble of ending up in a complicated situation later by weeding out the bad ones in the beginning. Please don’t be afraid to quote Jay-Z and say, “on to the next one”! And trust me there will be a next one.

Love is in the air, But what does it smell like?

Its Valentines Day and love is in the air. Whether you view it as an original Hallmark holiday, or a day to express true love and gratification to your special someone, you cannot help but catch on to the feeling that love is really in the air.

With hearts, flowers, and chocolate, the Valentine’s Day bug is running rampant from city to city. For an entire 24 hours, people use today to tell someone special that they love them. But can’t they do that on any other day? Flowers, jewelry, and love, should be given any day. Don’t just wait for that one day out the year because it is marked on the calendar, to show someone how much you love them.

Now if you are single it becomes a whole different story. Do single people still smell the love that is in the air? I know they sure do see it. I remember one year while I was in NY, I was standing on a subway platform on Valentine’s day and I just knew it was Valentine’s day. I glanced around the platform on both sides, and noticed that the entire station was full of couples, not  one single individual in sight. Just people embraced in hugs, kisses, with balloons and flowers. So what happened to all the single people that day? Did they stay home and hide?  Were they avoiding looks of pity, and “don’t worry it will get better”? If you are single, some  people may even feel sorry for you on Valentine’s day. Tell them don’t be, at least you will not be disappointed if the person you love forgets the one special Hallmark day, or even buys you flowers that look like they will die in the next ten to fifteen minutes.

You ever wonder why some people to refer to Valentine’s day as Singles Awareness Day? What is with that? I was very aware that I was single yesterday, I am very aware that I am single today, and chances are that I will be very much aware when I am single tomorrow. Is Singles Awareness day the consolation prize to not having a significant other on Valentine’s Day? Does that mean that I am supposed to  buy myself flowers, a box of chocolate, and a stuffed teddy bear to show self love? Ummm, I’ll pass and save my money for something I really want.