Tag: relationships

Skydiving…We all should do it, at least once!!!

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

So I did it! I went Skydiving! Yes me, I jumped out of a perfectly good plane for no reason and lived to tell about it. Whew, that’s a good thing! To some who know me personally it would be a surprise that I actually went skydiving. As my mom asked with the tone of deep concern for my mental stability in her voice,  “why would I want to do that”?  Well why not do it! It is an awesome experience that makes you see life from a whole new level, and hey if all goes well (hopefully it does), you always have another story to add to your collection. 🙂

Me and my tandem Instructor Wyatt, great guy!

I am facing fears. I once thought that I had a fear of heights, but then I realized that I am only afraid when I stop, think about it, then tell myself that I am supposed to be afraid of being up in high places. There is really nothing really scary about being up high, but if I think that I will fall then the fear sets in. So I don’t think about, just do it! I moved to Hawaii it seems to be going well, I jumped out of a plane and survived, am I pushing my luck? What can I try next? And what do I really have to be afraid of?

While prepping to go up onto the plane that I was about to jump out of, I must admit that I started to have feelings of fear. Yup, doubts, wondering “what the heck am I doing”, and “if I die, am I ready to end my life”. It was a battle between negative thoughts, and the positive thoughts of “this is going to be great”, and “I can’t wait for the experience”. Positive thoughts are good to have, they help to relax your mind.  As I watched other people end their jump by smiling as they landed, the positive thoughts had the edge of hey this is not so bad after all 🙂

The moment as I was about to jump out of the plane with the instructor on my back was a life moment that I will never forget. Looking down into straight clouds, and feeling the breeze of the brisk air in my face  from the edge of this tiny plane (yeah tiny, I was more afraid of the engine blowing on the plane than actually jumping out of it) was a great moment. The free fall down was an experience like no other. The closest that I will ever get to flying. The feeling of freedom. Strong winds blowing directly into my face, seeing the sky from an angle that I would never imagine. Dropping to the ground from 14,000 feet high! But I had no fear! Just enjoying the moment because I have never felt anything like it. No roller coaster has ever given me that experience. It was as if life stopped and I was a brand new bird in the sky. New to the environment and wanting to feel every bit of this experience because I knew it would be over quick. And it was, next the parachute opened. A slow decline to the ground, I could see land, houses, and the beautiful scene of the pacific ocean. Thinking if I dropped suddenly I would rather fall  in the ocean than on land. The tandem instructor led us safely back to the ground, I even landed without breaking my ankle! Which I must admit was my biggest fear before this whole ordeal.

I survived, jumped out of a plane, with a man strapped to my back of course, and survived. What a feat! Hawaii has really been good to me so far, and this is another thing to add to my list. Would I have done this in NY, probably not. Having the freedom to try something new, not be afraid, and let go is actually working, and I hope it continues to lead me in great directions in the future.

In Hawaii they like and put a ring on it!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

I have realized something about Hawaii that is not so apparent in NY or at least not in such high numbers. Girls in their mid 20’s and early 30’s are married! Yes they have husbands and kids to match. By the tender age of 23 a local girl may be married and have at least 1 but maybe 2 kids! Even girls who look like they are still in high school have rings on their fingers. Rings, rings, everywhere! And here I am the lonely girl from NY, approaching 30 with no ring. Is there something wrong with me? Heck No, at least I don’t think so. But to the older local women, I know it leaves them to wonder why?

When I go to the nail salon to get my nails done and my eyebrows waxed the little Asian lady who is always so very nice to me, asks me the same questions each time. Did you work today? and Are you married? My answers, yes and no respectively. Next comes, why you not married, you are so pretty, and getting older. I guess my job is no longer important at that point. Well it is good to know that I’m pretty, but I guess the closer you get to approaching 30 the less likely the chances you will get a man to marry you. Is that true? Maybe not, but on this island I am starting to think that is a truth.

Apparently the culture of marriage so different in Hawaii. In NY it is a social norm to be in your 20’s or 30’s and not married. It’s a time to have fun with your girls and talk about your dates. You have a job, your own money, and have the chance to develop into a strong independent woman.  You don’t feel like the single girl leper who is about to die alone. In NY you get the chance to play your own rendition of sex and the city with your girlfriends, with everyone having their own version of the infamous Mr. Big.  Conversation is enlightened by the bad dates you go on, and the cute guys you meet on the train. Not the cute thing your toddler did today and how your husband is driving you crazy.

I haven’t really been able to pinpoint why the girls in Hawaii get married so young but I guess it just goes with the environment and the culture. I have Hawaiian  friends who were married at 18, 19, or sometime in their early 20’s, and have really big kids to match. So here I am floating around in life like a nomad, and these girls have families to take care. Believe me I DO NOT want to switch places with them for a second. I know some girls who are divorced by 30, and have to take care of their kids, and do not have much of a social life. Leaves little time for fun. In NY women has a sense of independence, they set goals, dream about influential careers, and want to be the woman in control. In NY girls are more likely to follow a path of doing well in college and moving up the corporate ladder. They play with the big boys, and that focused drive leaves you to put marriage on the back burner. Woman of the big city are on a path to being at the head of the board room and set themselves up so they do not have to rely on a man. The rush to build a family, and have the man go to work while babies are made is not so apparent.

So what is it. Why do girls in Hawaii seem to live with their boyfriends and get married before they have had any chance for independence. Does that really work? I can’t speak on another person’s happiness because they seem happy to me. Maybe self exploration and independence is not as important for some people as it was for me. And if it works go with it! Having a long happy marriage is never a bad thing in life. It also seems to be a generational thing on the island also, parents are young, grandparents are also young. I guess that’s good so they can help you take care of your children. When looking at military wives some of them are also very young to.  And may I just add from the ones I met they seem to be just a bit unsure of themselves. Who can blame them, when you are 20 what do you really know about life, although you may think you know it all you really are just starting to build a sense of identity.

When I look back on myself and the relationships I was in when I was in my late teens and early 20’s , I am extremely happy and overjoyed that I did not get married at that age. Not because they were bad relationships, but because I was so not ready to be a wife. A marriage is a serious commitment, and if I could not understand what it means to be a wife, and for a man to be a husband then I know I would eventually not be happy. People change, good people grow, and learn from life, they learn together, they learn as individuals. They learn to have a sense of understanding, and continuous growth together that is necessary to make a good marriage. But first you need to know your self as an individual and love your independent self without your other half. This will lead you to better appreciate your half of the relationship, and give the most unconditional love to the other half of your relationship.

Before I learned to be independent on my own, and could stand alone, I admit, I would have been a horrible wife! I would have been defined solely as a man’s wife and not as a woman who is amazing and the perfect complement to her husband. My sense of identity would have been non existant because it would have never had a chance to fully develop on its own. And the worst part is I know that I would be left with the feeling of “what if”. So do I think as I approach 30 my chances of finding a husband will decrease, maybe. But that is only because I will be able to weed out the men with a strong sense of insecurity about having a woman who does not need him, but is willing to work with him. I will weed out the men who have fear the confidence and  success of a woman, and are challenged by a woman expressing valid opinions. I don’t mind though because, that will leave me with a man who is confident enough to be part of a team, who has an intellectual mind, and who can keep me on my toes because together our bond will be so strong that it will create a force that will not be matched.

My Mr. Nice Guy

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I think I may have met someone. Yeah someone who has boyfriend potential. Checking his stats he has boyfriend potential, and so far, so good, so he may be the one. Or least the one who can hang around the longest for right now. Going down my check list he meets most of the qualifications to pass through to the next level of building a deeper relationship. He has a college degree, he can talk in complete sentences (don’t ask, but yeah that seems to be a missing trait in men), he is very outgoing, down to try anything new, is in to living life, and he is cute. He is an all around wholesome nice guy.

Uh oh!!!! I said it! He is a NICE GUY. Ok ladies now let’s admit it, we are secretly attracted to the bad boy. The bad boy has a certain I don’t give a fuck attitude about him that makes us want him. The bad boy who is no good for you,  the guy that makes you wonder why he doesn’t call you back, or why he is not giving you attention all the time. When he does give us attention it comes in little spurts, but we eat it up, and want more. The bad boys are the ones who get the girls. Sometimes they are sweethearts, other times they are complete jerks. But they find a balance in their attitude that leaves girls wanting more. The bad boy can be broke with no job, and find a woman to let him live on her couch. He has game, and also has two, three, or more chicks all at the same time. People ask me what type of guy I like, my response, the cute jerk! I don’t like the extreme bad boy because I personally find his sense of arrogance annoying, but I like the slight bad boy. He is nice at times, jerky at other times, but he is so damn cute which in my mind cancels out his annoying pompous cocky attitude. I know he will protect me when needed, and his swag is so on point that he has every other girl wanting him too (which sucks!!!). But that is my cute jerk.

So as I get older, lets try something new. The Nice guy, the guy I would normally shoot right to the friend zone. My new nice guy is a sweetheart, really a sweetheart. He doesn’t do extreme chivalry but that’s ok because I don’t like that anyway. But he does the little things. Such as, wanting to hold my hand when we walk down the block, or walk on the beach and just talk. He refuses to let me see him as a friend so for now he says we are companions.

The problem: He is in the military and is going to be deployed for six months. I feel like I am holding back, and can’t get too attached to him because, I know soon he will be gone and I will miss him. I don’t want to miss anyone. I am so over missing people. I missed my ex boyfriend for so long, now that I am done with that, I am just not in the mood to miss anyone else. I want someone who is here. Who is with me, and who is not going to leave. So although I can see myself really falling for Mr. nice guy, now is not the time. It seems like for me, timing is always wrong, and I just patiently wait for timing to be right. Wait and wait for that day when it is the right place, the right moment, the right time.

Mr. nice guy is in the Marines.  Now my personal opinion, don’t date military men. They have a certain element of crazy about them. But he doesn’t come off as crazy, or at least I haven’t seen his side of crazy. He talks to me, he communicates well, we laugh together, and we can enjoy each other’s company. For Valentine’s day he took me to see Brian McKnight, it was wonderful!  A magical moment that would make two people fall in love. Ok I did not fall in love with Mr. nice guy just yet, but it did make me appreciate his company more. I have a sense of comfort when I am around him that I haven’t had in a long time, and it’s just nice to relax in his presence. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what I look like, and he is impressed by me just being myself. Wow what a breath of fresh air!

So hopefully all will continue to go well with my newly found nice guy, and I will keep you updated on our progress. Maybe his six month deployment won’t be so bad and we can start a real relationship. We will see with time, but hey if all goes well maybe I will be willing to give up my single girl lifestyle for an even better relationship lifestyle!

Taking a Time Out!!!

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, New York, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

I am calling time out! …..Time out!

I feel the need to take a time out and rest on the bench. I don’t want to play. I just decided that I don’t want to play anymore. Playing “the game”, the dating game is a lot more work than I thought. I have never been good at games anyway. Not monopoly, spades, bingo, or uno. I have never been good at playing, and I seem to not win. So how did I get stuck in the middle of this dating game, when I never wanted to play in the first place!

As I progress in playing this game  I will honestly say I am not really good at it, but I do think that I have a pretty good team. I have a starting line up that keeps me busy, and individually each of my 5 starters know their position, as they each meet a different need for me. But even with a strong starting line up, I feel like I am missing that Kobe or Lebron who will just dominate the game. You know the franchise player who will take over, be able to play every position, and play it with confidence. He will never need rest, and will be honored to play the entire time without needing a sub to fill in.  Basically that one guy who meets my needs so well that I don’t have to look to fill the other 4 positions because he has them all on lock. He knows when to move, how to move, and where to go to make things happen. If I just had a Kobe or Lebron, I wouldn’t need players for the other positions, and would no longer need to look back for someone else to make a play.

I have the movie guy, the guy with the great conversation and intellectual stimulation, the one who makes me laugh, the one who likes adventure and outdoor activities, and the one who I can just sit home and chill with. Sounds great huh, but why can’t they all be encompassed into just one person. That one IT guy who makes me laugh, has great conversation, likes to watch movies, likes to sit home and relax, and also like to experience the outdoors and adventure. I know there has to be a man out there who has all of these qualities, and hopefully I can find him so I can retire from this game with a championship ring.

In addition to my rotational starting line up,  I would say that I have the best sixth man in the game. He would make Ben Gordon and Jason Terry jealous with his sixth man abilities.  My sixth man is always ready to come off the bench and fill in whenever one of my starters starts to act up. He would surely be the top candidate for the sixth man of the year award in the dating game (if there was one). He is down to play any position, always ready when I need him, and he doesn’t need time to warm up. On  someone’s else team he would truly be a starter, maybe even the MVP. He would be the Kobe of their team.  However, on my team I can only bring him off the bench, and no matter how good he is at playing his position, he will never reach the starting line up.

But even with a fully stacked team,  a strong rotation of players, I feel like I need a time out from this game. This team doesn’t seem to be working as well as it once did. It may be time to make some trades, and recruit  new free agents. Yet, that still takes work, a lot of work. It’s the starting over, the getting to know him, seeing where he is going to fit in. Will he be willing to play any position I put him at? But I will secretly be hoping that he is the Kobe that I am looking for, so I can cut the rest of the team from my roster. I have no problem making cuts for a star player. But it seems the stars are in rare form,  and I have to fill in the gaps somehow.

When I was in a long term relationship with my ex,  I would look at my  BFF Dana and be jealous of her single girl adventures. She always had a new story about a new guy. I would think “wow that must be fun”!! New men, new experiences, not having anyone to answer to, and being able to tell him to leave when he pisses you off. Yeah I thought that would be fun.

Now I know better. It’s not as fun as it looked from inside the window of a relationship.  As TO said about that girl on his show,  I am a “relationshipper”. I like relationships. I like commitments. I like seeing just one guy day after day. I want one person to be the movie guy, the dinner guy, and be there for everything else I need guy. Together the two of us can be a team. We are both the stars of each others team, and there will be no bench to look to when things get complicated. He will be the one I pass the ball to, and he passes it back to me. It works. We win together, we lose together, and we play the whole game together.

But until then, I think I’ll just take a twenty second time out!

My Intro To “The Game”

On By Jenni C.In dating, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, single girl, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

As I was sitting at my computer while scrolling through craigslist (yeah craigslist…)  looking for new friends out here in Hawaii, I came upon an ad for a man who actually turned out to be a good friend. We are solely friends and a friend who has never had a problem sharing dating advice with me.  I will call him Mike. Mike is in the Airforce, and I met him while he was “passing through” Hawaii on military business (whatever that is supposed to mean). He was on a three week working vacation in Hawaii, and was on the search for new friends.

Mike and I met up for some drinks, and had an interesting conversation on the dating game, and why I am going to have to play the game,  and play it good. He so eloquently in his manly way said I have no choice, if I want to “win” then I am going to have to play. Now I am taking “winning” to mean that I will get someone to put a ring on it (as Beyonce so nicely put it). Well this ring better be worth it. For all this trouble  and states of utter confusion that my mind is constantly in, I better have a rock so big that it won’t fit in my bag!!

So since its either play or spend every subsequent Saturday night alone, I will put myself in the game. But, boy for someone new to this game it is a struggle to get aquainted with all the rules. The rules of what to say, what not to say, who pays,  what restarurants can he afford, and how to kick him out of my apartment when he has clearly overstayed his welcome (just had to throw that one in there!).

Now the way Mike explained this game was quite interesting. He even used the coasters sitting at the bar to get his point across. He took the stack of coasters and said “that any man who is worth his salt does not just want to settle down with only one  girl”.  My first thought: What the HELL does that mean!!!  Well that basically turned into why just have one coaster all by itself, when you can have a stack of five or six coasters! Now I completely understand that this is fully Mike’s dating know how 101, so I am not going to think this is the view of all men. But he is a man so I listened, I figured he knew a little something about men.

Since he is in the Airforce, Mike travels all over the world on the military dime, and  has “collected friends” all over the world. I used the term International man whore to describe him one time, yeah he did’t like that too much. But really, lets call it what it is. When you meet girls in different cities worldwide, then make sure you keep in touch with them when you leave so you have a ” sex buddy” when you return…ummm that is screaming international man whore. He admits that he does have sex with his “buddies”, he keeps in contact with them while he is gone, and makes plans to meet up with them when he returns to their city. With his suave deameanor I can see how he charms girls into that role. He does have his life in order, owns a house, has a good job, and many girls may see him as that perfect guy. On first glance he appears like a straight gentlemen. But ladies don’t be fooled, he is a fully loaded man whore. Hey he almost got me to enter his collection with his charming words of wisdom. However, I was quickly turned off by the fact that he may be exposed to many a STD, and returned to my senses. Yup so he has just remained my friend Mike, the International Man Whore!  Hey, if you have a better term for that, please let me know! I am very open to other ways to describe it.

After getting the inside information on how to play the game due to our bar conversation, I went out into the world and tried it out. The next weekend I went on 4 dates in 2 days. I would have never thought that would have been possible. I am lazy, and only want to have one bad date per day. Unfourtanely,  I had to squeeze it in, since one of the guys was returning to his home state of Washington that weekend. I figured he could buy me dinner, why not, I need to eat right? I was playing the game. And the game was making me more tired than my daily work day.  I had a lunch and dinner date each day. It was actually only 3 guys that I had to go out with, because my Saturday lunch guy, was also my Sunday morning church and lunch guy. I must admit it was fun to have  a multiple date weekend, but even after all of that I didn’t feel any closer to finding what I was looking for in just one man. I had 3 men, 3 different personalities, a stack of 3 coasters, but why did I feel like something was missing? Oh its because I was playing the game. Since I am new to the game I will probably lose more than I will win, but yet I will have to keep playing.

So as I learn this game, I will just hope that maybe one day I will be good at it, and actually enjoy playing. (Yeah lets see about that).

Can I please live as a Beach Bum??????

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I have a confession to make: I must admit, secretly I want to be a beach bum. A good old fashioned beach bum, I do not feel like doing  a damn thing. I want to be able to be on a 24/7 relaxation high. I want to fit into the culture of Hawaii, surfing at the beach, cruising around the island, sitting back and drinking a beer, and listening to the Jawaiian music (yeah Jamaican regaee + Hawaiian regaee= Jawaiian).  I want to feel like that is all life is about, no worries, no stress, I can just stay here and forget that the mainland exist. Forget that I have a passion to get the most out of life, forget that I have drive to sit at the head of the table and run the meeting, forget that I want to be known for my accomplishments, and forget that I strive to be better than I was the day before. Yeah I just want to forget all of that and just be a beach bum.

I can’t seem to kick that damn NY edge. You know the NY EDGE! That faced paced, go getter, step on anyone’s toes attitude. The feeling of always needing to be on that upward climb, because if your not climbing up, your gonna get stepped on and slapped down by that person who was below you. In NY people are on the move all of the time! And boy are they moving fast! Everyone has a hustle, and that hustle better be on point! People are rarely sleeping, and if you are feeling stressed, at least you know that you are still alive. Yeah I still have that damn NY edge in me! And that edge makes me stand out here in Hawaii. Man, I just want to be a beach bum!!!

At work co-workers used to say, why do you work so hard, your making us look bad. Are you kidding me? Work hard? We never had to show up and just hand in some papers! Usually if someone at work has a request, I have been trained all too well to get it done as soon as possible. In NY if it wasn’t done you start to get what I like to call hate emails, then you can’t sleep when you get home due to anxious, over obsessive thoughts of getting fired. In Hawaii, its ok, do it whenever you get a chance, even if it is a week later and you had to be asked 3-4 times, its ok.

Another person who was a potential dating prospect asked, “Why do you have so much ambition”? WHATTTTT? Are you kidding me? Why have ambition? Why not? I have been trained oh so well by my NY lifestyle that without ambition, where are you going in life? Life is no fun standing still as an observer, it will just keep moving while you are watching. But hey maybe that is only in NY!! So after that question, needless to say homeboy was no longer a dating prospect. He did not understand the necessity of ambition in life. However if I am a beach bum I will not need that drive and ambition anymore right? I can just go to the beach and drink Mai tai’s. Since life moves slow in Hawaii anyway I won’t notice it passing me by, and I will fit right in. I just want to be a beach bum!!!

When I tell people outside of my work that I have my master’s degree from NYU, they look at me like I am on the same level as President Obama (no seriously), and men look like they have they just found a pot of gold. Eyes light up, and all of a sudden I become the most interesting girl they have ever met. It is a level of success that many people may not reach. However, when I was in NY I kept feeling like that wasn’t good enough. I needed to get better, strive for more, aim higher, and get that Ph.D. In the big city, I only had a very little amount of time to appreciate my accomplishments. With the next breath comes: What’s next? How do I top this? And how do I do better? In Hawaii it is good enough, and I will be a highly educated beach bum!!! I will be married to a local in no time!!!

Someday’s the feeling is, what’s the point? Why do I need to strive for more, and keep pushing to get to that next level when I am perfectly fine right here? The end result of life is all the same. We die. So who is really going to care at the end if I died as a beach bum, or a well renowned professional Psychologist who improved the behaviors of at risk youth? Does it even matter? Not really sure, I guess it is where my sense of  happiness comes from is what really counts. So will I really be happy as a beach bum? Probably not! I was raised with that NY drive. To have the go getter, do better, attitude seems innate. It is a part of my life, and just because I decided to leave the big city, my NY self came right along with me. But oh really, some days I just want to say forget this doing better, I am hitting the beach and becoming a bum!

In recent conversations with a friend I told him that I wanted to be a beach bum. His response: that is not an option. What!!! Why don’t I get that option? It seems like everyone else on this island gets that option, and they are having a great, carefree time!  I guess I do have the option. Hey no one is stopping me, and no one will come grab me up, and put me on a plane back to the mainland.  But anyone who really knows me would say, that me as a beach bum would be a waste of really great potential. I really do have the ability to do big things in life! (no really I do!!).

So that settles it, I won’t be a beach bum, I’ll just live the life of a couple days out of the month to taste it, and then I will let the NY in me come out and do its own thing to achieve greater success!!!