Tag: black families

Reflections From a New Mom: Prayers For My African American Son

On By Jenni C.In Black women, Fears, Parenting1 Comment

I. Am. Exhausted.

During the past few weeks I have spent a lot of time in my head processing my thoughts. Sometimes I am silent because my mind is racing, there are so many thoughts that I often don’t know where to start when I want to express them. I try to make sense of them all, but that just leads to me feeling tired. So overall, I am exhausted.

Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

I am angry, sad, fearful, devastated, frustrated, hurt, heart broken, numb, and void of emotion all in one. I remember one day last week I was sitting with my thoughts and I just wanted to cry. Suddenly, I just felt like crying. I did not know why, no tears fell, but a sweeping feeling of all the emotions overcame me, and I just knew that it was time to cry. Black Americans are hurting, so I am hurting.

Black Americans are hurting for justice and equality in our nation. In 2020, we are still fighting the same fights of our ancestors. In 2020 we are fighting for the right to live in peace, to not die at the hands of racist on the streets, for and end to police brutality, and to have equality in our justice system. IT. IS. 2020. As I watched the many protests around the country and the world, I was delighted to see that all people, not just Black people joined in the fight. Finally our voices are being heard, there is diversity in our cause. We are starting to matter. But again, it is the year 2020, why should we have to march and sing “We Shall Overcome” like our ancestors did in the 1960’s. Has America not made significant progress since the death of Martin Luther King Jr.? Why are we still fighting to live his dream? When will America finally stand for the words “Liberty and Justice for all”?

Photo by Kelly Lacy on Pexels.com

The overwhelm of emotions hits me every time I hear about the death of every unarmed Black American. Sadness, anger, and overwhelm were in full force when I watched the video of the murder of Amahd Aubery and, how there was not even an arrest made over two months later! Then we heard about Breonna Taylor, again no arrest, then we watched the death of George Floyd. After a 5 days and filling the streets with protesters demanding justice, finally there was an arrest. Who is next? This is too much for the year 2020. When does it end?

We have been watching videos of the murder of Black kids and adults for years. Before the videos they were killing us, there was just no one filming it. So the concept of murder and injustice toward Black Americans did not start in 2020.

However, today my life is different, therefore, my emotions are different. The hurt feels different, it is real. Today I am a wife to Black man, and a mother to a little Black boy, this feeling is hitting a little bit differently. That is the feeling I am constantly processing.

Today my life is no longer just me taking care of me in the world. I have a husband and a son who I don’t want to be added to the names of unarmed black men who were killed, while their murderer just walks away and eats a sandwich. It is an unexplainable worry that I try not to spend too much time on because life’s moments are precious and I want to enjoy every moment. Life is meant to be lived with joy. Yet, sometimes the feeling of worry overshadows that joy and there is a moment of wanting to cry because you feel the pain of every wife, and mother who has unjustly lost her husband or son and you want to go around and give them all a big hug. So I just pray. I ask God to protect my boys, because that is all that is left to do.

Photo by Shamia Casiano on Pexels.com

This evening Nico and I went on a walk. He just sits in his stroller quietly looking around, listening to the birds, staring at the trees, the cars, and the people, and taking it all in. He feels safe, he is not worried about anything. He does not know about racism, or that one day some people will fear him because of the color of his skin. He knows he is with mommy, and with mommy he is protected. The world is safe with mommy, no danger allowed. I thought, now if only I could keep him this small forever. At 8 months I can protect him from harm, but what about when he is 13 or 18, will the world be kind to him? Will he still feel safe?

Again, I am left with saying a special prayer for his safety.

Yet, during moments like this my mind always goes back to the death of Tamir Rice. I didn’t have kids at the time of his death, but for some reason his death hits me especially hard. I was in pure shock and disbelief when I heard of the cops who pulled up and shooting at a 12 year old boy in a matter of seconds. For a very long time I refused to watch that video, I refused to watch the murder of a baby at the hands of the police. He was a baby! Eventually I watched the video, it was worse than I ever imagined. They said they thought he was an adult. He was a 12 year old black boy. He should have had the chance to grow into an adult. The men who killed him are now free. Where is justice?

I know I have only been a mother for a few months, but I feel like my number one goal is to keep my baby safe. I feel like God has given us our biggest life challenge yet. God said now I give you the job of being parents, and now is the time to raise a strong Black man in America. Keep him safe, let him grow, and know he will be a force that changes the world. Since God never gives us more than we can bear, we have accepted the challenge with full gratitude. But, for real it is scary sometimes. When Nico is 5 he will be my baby. When he is 12 he will still be my baby. When he is 18 he will still be my baby. Heck, when he is 45 he will be my baby. I just pray that the world will see him for the boy, and man that he will be and give him an opportunity to grow and change the world.

My heart hurts for Tamir Rice, Jordan Davis, Trayvon Martin, Amahad Aubery, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, Sandra Bland, Eric Garner, Philando Castile, Sean Bell and every other black life that was lost due to police violence or racist violence because they felt that these lives did not matter. BLACK LIVES MATTER

This list was posted on BabyNames.com on June 10, 2020.

This black box sits on the top of the BabyNames.com homepage.

Life Lessons As Taught By My 3 Month Old Son

On By Jenni C.In Mothers, new mom, Parenting, Pregnancy, Uncategorized, Working momLeave a comment

Now that I have put the tiny screaming baby to bed, I finally have a chance to write. Yes he screams. He is a baby. He is just so cute, but he never wants to go to bed. I wonder if there is a genetic trait for wanting to stay up all night? If so, I defiantly passed it on to my kiddo.

My little guy is now 3 months old. It is so amazing to watch babies develop and learn everything about the world. When babies see objects for the first time, or look at colors and shapes, they are so fascinated by it. They soak up everything in every moment, and smallest things provide great pleasure. I love babies.

Even though Nico has only been on this Earth for 3 months, I feel that he has taught me so much. As a new mom, I had no idea what to expect. I knew that I would be tired, that’s what everyone said so I believed them. But, I knew nothing else. I expected that baby would constantly be learning from me, and I would be present with him so I could teach him everything he needs to know all the time. He is constantly learning, and I am present, however I was not prepared for the lessons that he would be teaching me.

In the past 3 months I have watched this guy grow from a tiny newborn to an infant with an amazing personality. He loves to smile and just have fun. He has learned to hold his head up, engage in a significant amount of baby talk, and teach his parents, well how to be parents. It is truly a blessing. The lessons that he has taught me so far has made me a better mom and, that is something that can never be taken away.

Here are a few of the lessons taught directly by Nico:

Be Patient

So yes there are times when Nico is very impatient, like when he is hungry or has poop in his diaper. He is a baby. Crying is what babies do. But there are also times when he will sit in an extremely calm manner and wait for me to complete whatever task I am doing so he can eat or play. He will just sit in his swing and watch me cook, or get myself together before it is his time. When I’m ready for him he will give off a big smile that just warms my heart.

I also have learned that you can never rush a baby. Babies are just never in a rush. So I have to be patient with him while he is eating, or taking a bath. I can’t force him to eat faster, and my kid likes to relax at bath time. He is in no rush, so I can’t live my life in a rush. I have to slow down.

Slow down and just enjoy the moments

I feel like the past 3 months flew by. My little guy has grown so much. From even before he was born I was often told to just enjoy him. I understand what that means now. Moments of silence where we just sit together, or when he lays on my chest are priceless. I know they wont last forever so I have learned to take it in. I have learned to slow down and not think about the next task, or hurry up and rush us to the next place. He enjoys his mommy time. I enjoy Nico time. For a child a mother’s love can never be replaced. My husband always reminds me that for a son, his mother is his entire world. He is content with just silence and mommy. I was once a person who hated silence, and could not stay in one place for a very long time. Now, I can sit in silence, enjoy the moments, and enjoy the time with my baby while he is still a baby.

Smile, everyday is a new adventure

Little guy has a shirt that says “everyday is a new adventure”, I know he can’t read it but, he definitely lives his life that way. The best part of my day is waking him up in the morning, watching him open his eyes and give mamma a big smile. It reminds me that every new day is a blessing. Stay grateful. I may think to myself that I am tired, not in the mood to go to work, or wake up angry. Watching Nico up, smiling, and ready to get going reminds me that with each new day, comes a new adventure. So lets throw that negativity away, and be happy that I have a chance to make everyday a great day.

Speak your mind, all the time

One thing I love about working with kids is that they have no filter. When I am in therapy sessions with my younger patients, they give me the unapologetic truth about what is going on in their lives. As parents interfere and attempt to build a filter in children, that unapologetic sense of confidence starts to diminish. Yes, parents have to mold and shape a child’s behavior, but I always love to hear the unfiltered truth. Babies have an unfiltered truth. When Nico does not like something such as the way you are holding him, or the way you are feeding him, he will let you know right away. He has never liked me wearing a breast feeding cover over him while he is eating, he was quick to let me know “I hate this, take it off”. He knows his area of comfort. He knows what he likes, and he needs other humans to know that too. He has no filter. His mind says scream this now, he screams it, and gets the outcome that will make him happy. He is confident. He knows what he needs, he is not afraid to say it, and say it loud. I love that.

I am excited to continue to watch my little guy grow up and became a man. He is smart, funny, and even though I can never understand what he is saying, he has a lot to say. He has a light in him that can never be replaced, and my major task as a mom is to always make sure that light is shining bright. Wish me luck, but I know I got this!

A lesson in Balance

On By Jenni C.In Health, Healthy Living, Parenting, PregnancyLeave a comment

Just Breathe…

Today was my first Monday back to work. It was Monday. A long Monday. Only four more days to go. I really don’t mind working, I enjoy my job and the daily structure. What I don’t enjoy is being absolutely so tired! I am sleepy! I still have to get used to waking up extra early to feed Nico or pump before work. Side note: I am not a fan of breast feeding. I am slowly getting together, but I am still tired.

Balance and organization is what I am striving for. I wish there was a class on everything I need to know as a new mom, and how to manage life as a working mom. I’m just winging it and hope I don’t mess it up. Who am I fooling, of course I will mess this up. Possibly one day we will look back and laugh at all my mistakes, I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. But hey, that is perfectly fine.

The positive for today was that I did not have to think about food choices. It sounds like a small thing, but it is amazing. Our breakfast and lunches were packed and ready. For dinner hubby cooked the salmon and I cooked the veggies. Dinner was done in 20 minutes, we fed baby, and ate. It was wonderful. Organization, and working as a team are important parts of a healthy, happy, marriage.

As our family grows we both are getting used to balancing new responsibilities and tasks. It is not easy for either of us, remember we are learning on the job, but we try to make it work. If something doesn’t work so well today, lets change it up and make tomorrow better. Flexibility is needed.

Balance. That is important for anything in life. We are balancing family, our careers, goals (family and personal), health, and finances. I just realized that this is adulting. When did I become an adult with all this insight? Adulting is not easy, but done correctly and efficiently it is a wonderful thing. Balance takes consistency, dedication, and time. To find balance we have to take a step back and look at what we can move around in our lives, and who is on our team who can help. Balance is the key to finding my way toward a long, healthy, enjoyable life.

Tonight I packed my bags, breakfast, and lunch for tomorrow. I am ready for another day. I will take on the day by slowing down, making sure I stay balanced, and keep my self focused on concurring the events of the day.

One step at a time…Just Breathe

On Sundays We Meal Prep

On By Jenni C.In Black women, Family, fitness, Health, Healthy Living, Pregnancy, resolution, Running, Working momLeave a comment

And once again it’s Sunday. Tomorrow starts my first full week back to work, and I need my life organized ASAP. Another goal that I have for 2020 is to increase organization and efficiency. Do you know how many mornings I have made a cup of coffee and completely forget to drink it? More than should ever be possible. I feel crazy. Am I losing my mind?

I remember a time when I only had to plan for me. Wow, I didn’t realize how simple that was until now. I only had to worry about my own schedule, feeding only myself, and deciding what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. The best part, I could nap whenever I wanted! I feel like I did not take full advantage of those opportunities. Silly me.

Then I got married, I had to plan for the hubby and myself. Ok, yes it was little bit more challenging but I made it work. I was working to get us in sync, decrease chaos, and organize our home. Then I get pregnant. Everything went out the window. I feel like I am starting from scratch and really need a road map to stability.

I question, how do we take care of a newborn, take care of ourselves, take care of our marriage, go to work, increase self care, date each other, organize our home, and keep a level of sanity in the process? Good question, I have no idea. In true Jennifer form, as with everything else in my life, dive in head first and just make sure you learn how to swim. I am treading water at the moment.

Prior to my year long pregnancy we were on a healthy living kick. Clean living, and training hard so we both could live healthy lives. I was weight lifting and training for races, the hubs was kayaking and doing century rides on his bike.

100 mile bike ride, go baby go!
Train hard, Love harder

We were going pretty strong. However, pregnancy hit and through us both threw a loop. My pregnancy cravings were grilled cheese, and pizza, or basically anything with cheese and bread. Lots of bread, and lots of cheese. Oh, and don’t forget the strawberry milkshakes. I have a slight lactose intolerance, so PP (pre pregnancy) I was never a big dairy fan, and would only indulge when I felt like giving myself a stomach ache. Yet, baby loved dairy. I could have all the dairy I wanted and it was no problem. So bring on all the strawberry milkshakes and all the cheese! I remember one time googling where I can find the best strawberry milkshake in Maryland. Then I drove around looking for it. Yeah, I was pregnant.

Now that baby is here, the holiday baking season is over, and I am back I work, I can once again find a sense of balance. So we are starting with clean eating again. If you remember a few years ago we did a plant based diet. When I pregnant we went back to eating meat because I just could never seem to get enough food, and my iron levels were off. So for now we will continue to eat meat, but probably not too much of it.

Today is meal prep Sunday. If I can pull this off, my week will be awesome. The plan is to prep breakfast, lunch, and dinner for us. If we can have food ready, then we can really get on a schedule and not be two hangry people!

I have started ordering my groceries and having them delivered, full disclosure…I was doing this way before the thought of a baby because I hate going to the grocery store. Groceries were delivered this morning, and now I get to cook for the week. I made a menu before hand so I know what groceries to buy, and limit waste. I am tired of throwing away food. As an effort to save money and time in 2020 I will attempt to stay dedicated to meal prepping.

If all goes well with having my weekly meals prepared, maybe I will actually remember to drink my coffee in the morning.

Time to start training for our next race!

What’s on deck this week:

Egg muffin cups and Greek yogurt for breakfast

Turkey and quinoa stuffed peppers, and chicken fried cauliflower rice with a sweet potato side for lunch.

Salmon and sauteed veggies for dinner.

Wish me the best of luck!

A Birth Story to Remember

On By Jenni C.In PregnancyLeave a comment

You never know what labor actually feels like until it happens.

I figure now is a good time to inform you all of my birth story. Nico is now 3 months and 1 week old. He grew up so fast. When he was born he was a somewhat tiny 7lbs, 6.2 oz, 19 inches. Awww how I miss him being so small.

Baby Nico, 7lbs 6.2 oz, 19 inches

So let’s go back to the day, or better yet middle of the night that he was born. Nico was born at 38 weeks, 4 days. I had no idea I was going into labor. In my head he was going to be a late baby, I was mentally preparing myself to be induced at 41 or 42 weeks. In my head he was not supposed to come when he did. Remember, his due date was October 7, so I was prepared to have an October baby. Luckily he came in September and now he is a September baby.

At 38 weeks I was still working, still actively going to crossfit and yoga. I had stopped running pretty early into my pregnancy due to pelvic pain, so crossfit and yoga were my main sources of daily activity. The plan was to continue to do everything I was doing until he popped out, and that I did.

36 weeks preggers!

Two days before Nico was born, my husband and I went to the doctor for our 38 week check up. At that time I was 1-2cm dilated. I didn’t think much about it. I made the next appointment for the following week and returned to work.

The next day was a Wednesday, it was like any other Wednesday, I went to work, went to crossfit, completed the crossfit workout, went home, ate dinner, showered, and went to bed. A little after 12:00 am on Thursday, September 26, I woke up out of my sleep because I had to pee, I heard a small pop. I thought that I had urinated in the bed a little, I woke up to go to the bathroom, and felt a major pain in my back. I also felt incredibly constipated, so I tried to continue to use the bathroom. Nothing happened, but the back pain became worse. My husband heard me moving around so he came upstairs, I had him massage my back thinking that the pain would go away and I would go back to bed so I could go to work tomorrow. The pain never went away. My back was KILLING ME! As he rubbed my back the pain would lessen and then it would come back after a few minutes. Hubby figured they were contractions so he started timing them. I told him let’s just go to the hospital. He was hesitant, but I was adamant that we needed to go to the hospital right now!

Hubs and I pre baby

Luckily my hospital bag was packed, best advice I received, pack your hospital bag early! He started moving stuff to the car and I got dressed so we can go. Now, I was in a lot of pain and just wanted it to be over. The husband on the other hand was not moving with a sense of urgency. We laugh about it because he was moving in slow motion and baby was on his way out with the quick motion. We got in the car. Just so you know, my husband is a very careful driver. And this where we differ. At this time I would be speeding down the highway, I mean I speed down the highway to get to work because I am always late, so if a baby is coming out, lets just say that you can call me NASCAR. But, my lovely husband decides to put the car in cruise control and use navigation to get to the hospital. He has been to the hospital over 100 times, and I work at the hospital! We were not going to get lost on the way to the hospital…At all!!! He says that he wanted to make sure he did not miss the exit. I say ok drive faster.

We get to the hospital about 1:45 am, I am still in pain. We get a wheel chair and go upstairs to the labor and delivery unit. Now while we are checking in at the desk, I am trying really, really, really hard to hold it together. Like I wanted to scream and say give me the pills!! But first, I had to show them my insurance card and ID. So yeah I had to hold it together. The funny thing is that another woman and her husband walked onto the unit right after I arrived, she was not in a wheel chair, and she did not look like she was in pain. I wondered, why wasn’t she in pain? I am over here hurting, and she looks like they are just on an evening stroll. What in the heck was going on here!

Well finally the nurse took me back to triage, she checked my cervix and I was 9 cm dilated. I thought, HOLY CRAP, this baby is about to come out of here. She asked if I wanted an epidural, I immediately said yes. Previously I was uncertain as to if I wanted an epidural or not. I was leaning against it because I was afraid of the side effects and having residual back pain. I really didn’t want to deal with that. However, I just wanted the pain to stop so at that moment I would have taken anything.

Now, here is the part that I never knew. Before you can get an epidural the hospital has to to lab work, and you have to have a saline drip for a liter and a half. You have to wait for the results to come back, and you watch the slowest saline drip in the world. It was miserable. I wanted to drink that saline drip just so it could get in my body and we can move on to the main event.

I would tell you how long that all took, but honestly I really don’t know. In my head it was a life time. Finally, the labs were normal and the saline was moving along, next step get the anesthesiologist for the epidural.

Well that is where this story goes left. After another long period of time the anesthesiologist finally came. I sat up on the bed, she started to numb my back and then the phone rings. The nurse answered and tells the doctor they need her for an emergency C-Section in the operating room. Am I wrong for thinking that she would finish my epidural before she left? As I look back on it today, I know this was all God’s working plan. God has always been the comic relief in my life. I live life, and God laughs. I have gotten used to him joking with me. But, I always trust in his plan, and his plans work. Remember I was always unsure about the epidural anyway. I was just in pain and had no idea when it was going to end.

The doctor left to go do the C-section, I had the beginnings of an epidural on my back but no epidural. They said they would send another doctor. No other doctor came to administer the epidural.

The pain continued, the nurse checked my cervix again, this time I was 10 cm, and baby was ready. I was going to have a natural birth. I guess that was going to be my birth plan, let’s do it! My actual OB was not on call that night, so another OB was going to deliver my baby. No problem I thought, well…not so fast. Remember that emergency C-section that stopped me from getting an epidural, well the OB was in that delivery too. The nurse tried to reach her, but she was preoccupied. My Nico waits for no one and he was ready to come out!

Two other nurses came into the room, one held my hand, told me to push, and out came baby Nico. One push, at 3:27am on Thursday , September 26, I became a mom. Wow, that was fast. I would have never thought that would happen so fast, but I’m glad it did. It was painful, but not anything I couldn’t handle. I’m actually pretty bad ass. No doctor. I am grateful to all nurses everywhere.

And we have a baby!!!

That’s my story, quick labor, no doctor to deliver my baby, and no epidural. Not like I would have imagined, but I absolutely have a perfectly healthy, happy, baby boy. Thank You God.

My growing family

Side note: In August my husband and I went to a birthing class, there was another couple who also saw my original OB. We would see them at the doctor a few times. Our kids have the same pediatrician and we saw them at Nico’s 1 month doctor visit. Ironically, it turns out that she was the emergency C-section. They had a baby girl. Our kids were born on the same day, about a few minutes apart. It is always so funny how life works out.

Working Mom Day 1…This Is Life

On By Jenni C.In Relocation, Working momLeave a comment

So it finally happened. After 3 short months of maternity leave, today I returned to work. I have to be honest it was not so bad. Of course I was allll the way sleepy, it seemed like the kiddo did not want to sleep at all last night, and he woke up about four times. I’m guessing he was sensing my anxiety and knew that today was going to be a different type of day.

I woke up early, nursed Nico since he was up and got ready for work. The hubby was able to make sure baby boy was dressed, made sure his bags, bottles, and pack and play were set to go for daycare. This made it easy for me as I got dressed, made us breakfast, packed our lunches, and pumped my boobs. Wow that was a lot to do before 7:30 am, but we did it. The hubby drove baby boy to day care and dropped him off since my first patient was at 8 am. I think that worked out well because I was able to calm my own anxiety, and did not have to be stuck with thoughts of regrets and wanting to quit my job. I got to work, was locked out of my computer, apparently when I was out they decided to upgrade widows. Therefore, to my surprise all my previously saved documents were gone. Great, that sucks. I saw my patients, completed my 4 hour day, made a stop by my crossfit gym for the lunch time workout, and then picked up the kiddo. Not a bad day.

The daycare he goes to does not have cameras, I really wanted a daycare with cameras. Yet, I didn’t want to pay a monthly mortgage payment for daycare, so yeah no cameras. However, they do have an app that they send updates on. I’ll take it. At least they send pictures during the day. Nico appeared to have a good day, although I am concerned that he did not eat enough. He was an eating machine when we got home. I will continue to monitor that. I’ll say for day 1, so far, so good. I get some relief and return to being an actual adult with adult conversation for a few hours each day, and baby boy makes new friends. I just hope he still likes it when he realizes that he will have to go 5 days a week.

Now, since I promised you my rant on maternity leave in the U.S. I have to take this time to go off. I ABSOLUTELY HATE the fact that the United States does not have paid maternity leave. The patriots scream that this is the greatest country in the world, yet many families cannot afford to have a baby in order to keep the population growing. If you do have a baby, parents have to return to work almost immediately just so they can afford to keep living a suitable life after the baby arrives. Thus, leaving little time for parent-child bonding, attachment, learning skills, and development of healthy attachments.

I felt lucky that I was able to use leave time, and got one disability check. Wait, was I disabled? NO, I just had a baby. Having a baby is not a disability. It is the joy of bringing a life into the world. Since I had to save up leave time, that meant throughout the 9 month process of growing a human I had to be careful not to take a day off. Thank God I wasn’t sick during my pregnancy. I could have used a few days off to take care of my own mental health though. I’m a therapist, who couldn’t even take a mental health day, isn’t that ironic, don’t you think.

For a country that claims to care about family values, I’m not sure where those family values start. How can you shape and mold your child’s future when at six weeks we ship newborns off to day care. Then have to work 2 or 3 jobs to pay for day care, preschool, and save for college. Now I won’t turn this into a political rant, but I do wish that the party of family values, actually thought about family values after the birth of a baby.

Honestly I could have used 4-6 months of paid leave and I hope more jobs move in that direction. With paid family leave we can reduce rates of postpartum depression and anxiety, decrease family stress, enhance parent-child attachment, and increase rates of healthy pregnancies for women. I could only hope that by the time I give birth again there is a change in maternity leave policies for all jobs. It is time for America to actually be a great country, and that starts by catching up to other great countries in the way that they care for women, women’s health, and overall family development. Rant complete.

Isn’t he a cutie?