True stories about what happens when a girl from the big city moves to a rock in the pacific without a life raft
That is Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in Hawaiian!! Although it never really feels like Christmas in Hawaii, and watching fireworks blast over the ocean is a surreal experience, the spirit of Aloha is alive and well to bring in the New Year!! So as I begin a new year in Hawaii, the land of eternal summers, I plan to stay positive, stay strong, keep believing in myself, and enjoy each day to the fullest. Life is short, Live it up!! Lets plan big things for 2011 🙂
Recently I have been hearing a lot of buzz about having 5 Non- Negotiables while dating. Apparently both men and women should have at least 5 non-negotiables when looking for a mate to avoid settling for someone with particular characteristics that you would rather avoid.
Is that a good or bad idea? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.
These non-negotiables are the 5 things that you would not compromise in a relationship no matter who you meet or what happens around the circumstances of meeting that person. After taking some time out to think about it I can see why it is important to make a list of at least 5 non-negotiables. With that out of the way you can set a bar for yourself, and establish a strong sense of personal integrity when it comes to dating because you will be certain not to stray from what is important to you first. With that you can rule out who you don’t want to date, and focus in on a particular individual who will complement your own personal lifestyle. Note: I said COMPLEMENT, NOT COMPLETE!
So after much thought (well not really, I already knew what I was not negotiating on) I have come up with my own 5 Non-Negotiables. To some readers, my list may be a bit harsh, sorry for that. But, for me it is what I know I do not want in a man. To enjoy my own personal sense of happiness I have to be honest with that.
At one time I firmly believed in the theory of compromise. I figured if you wanted to have the right relationship, not perfect, but a relationship that works, then there would always be room for compromise, no matter the issue. If you met the person you wanted to be with then you would be willing to make compromises, and adjust to them right? Well apparently not. In relationships I can have up to 5 things that I just can’t stand for. And trust me it defiantly makes the rule out process a whole lot easier!
So here is my list of my 5 Non-Negotiables that I reference when dating.
1. Must have a job.
2. Must have a sense of humor, and outgoing personality.
3. Must be able to hold a decent conversation, and communicate well.
4. Must be a non-smoker, and non-drug user while I’m at it
5. Must have ambition for life, and a plan for continuous future growth.
Now in thinking about what I would consider to be my 5 non-negotiables, I know myself well enough to know what I will not stand for in a relationship. Although I understand that people do change, I am not in the business of forcing change on anyone. I like to know what I am getting into upfront so I can walk away if I am not satisfied. So while dating, or if you are already in a relationship, be who you are, know what you want, and make sure you have a solid list on the 5 things that you know you will not stand for!
I decided to return home to New York for Christmas. Well the actual story is one of my friends had a wedding in Cancun, since I was travelling off island, I figured why not take some time out and head to the east coast. Originally I thought it was a good idea, friends, family, and holidays, of course that would be great! However, once I got a real good feel of the east coast winter cold I suddenly started to rethink that idea. Well it was only for a second, to spend time with my closet friends and family was well worth me putting on a few extra layers. To see the people who know me best, while spending time sharing extra special memories are moments that can never be replaced.
During the last week of my east coast travels I ended up back in New York. The place where my journey began two years ago before moving to the other side of the world. And let me tell you, every time I return the city is exactly as I remembered it. I feel as if I never left. My favorite places are still the same, the subway still provides a daily dose of NYC entertainment, and Christmas in the city will always be my most loved NY moment. Even though the temperature is frigid, Christmas in New York will always give me the true feeling of the Holiday season. I still love Honolulu but, 80 degree sunny days, great surf, and warm summer-like nights, just doesn’t say Christmas as much as ice skating, snow flurries, and the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.
Last year I spent Christmas in Honolulu with newly made friends, this year I spent Christmas in NY with family. While spending time with family it suddenly hit me that the meaning of Christmas changes greatly as an adult. I am not sure when that shift happens, all I know is now the feeling is different, more mature. I remember times as a child waiting with my older brother for Santa to come bring us our gifts on Christmas Eve. We would sit excitedly by the window of our room looking out and thinking that every moving star in the sky was Santa with his reindeer. He was own his way to our house with the gifts we wanted so very much. It brought great joy to wake up early to open our new toys (that we already knew we were going to get) and finally have the opportunity to play with them. My parents put all of their energy into making sure we were happy on Christmas morning, leaving no room for disappointment.
As an adult, there are no more naive thoughts of Santa, no more waking up early to rush to play with our new toys. As an adult the tone is serious yet loving. Happy not for what we receive, but happy for the time that we get to spend with each other. As an adult I have come to realize that as we all get older in age the time, and memories that we all spend with each other is limited. As a family we should enjoy each moment that we spend together. Tangible objects no longer provide the happiness but, time and being near family during the holiday season is the present that we all want, and that brings the happiness.
As an adult, time becomes of the utmost importance. Last year right before Thanksgiving my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. My mom was frantic because in the early stages of his diagnosis doctors were not certain as to how serious the cancer actually was. In March of this year another tumor was found in his brain. The cancer had spread. Fortunately after surgery, months of chemotherapy, radiation treatment, and continuous medications the cancer now appears to be in remission. However, the toll that this illness has taken on my dad is noticeable. From speech impairments to the limited movements, the superman dad that I knew as a child on Christmas, the dad who would stay up late to assemble my toys is no longer around. As an adult, life becomes a little more serious, and Christmas with family becomes a lot more meaningful. I don’t know what the future will bring for my dad, or for my family, the present is most important. However, I do know having the opportunity to again spend Christmas in New York with my family is one that will leave an everlasting memory that will forever define the way I feel about Christmas.
Merry Christmas to all!!!!
I have seemed to lost my focus. I wish it would come back. I remember the good old days when I was able to focus, concentrate, and accomplish things. I was able to make things happen! But, now sadly it has went away. Oh focus where are you? Did someone steal you? Or, did I just stop appreciating your value so you showed yourself the door? Whatever the reason, I really need my focus back and, I need it back soon!
Along with my focus, I feel like I have also lost my motivation, drive, and determination. I am wondering where my edge went also. My go getter attitude. I feel like one day I woke up and a part of me that was gone. Where did it run to? Everyday it seems as if I am constantly on an internal scavenger hunt looking for these attributes that make me who I am. Without them I am lost.
Currently I am working on my very first novel. To write a book is hard work and it requires a TON of FOCUS! That is why having my focus back is so important to me. Who knew it would be so hard to actually write a book, and without focus I am doomed, and set on a path to self-destruction. I have a vision for my book, a deadline, and a dream of where I want this book to go. My motivation helps me with that, so I guess I do have a little bit of that left. I want this book to do well, I am a creator. I know the potential that I have to create a life changing project. My determination helps me with that part. I see myself as a brand name in society, a force that is not to be reckoned with. I see multiple projects happening on a daily basis, a vision of being an outstanding presence in the lives of other. My cutting edge attitude, and high-speed drive to keep going will help me accomplish that piece. But to start I need my FOCUS!
I am on a mission. I will get my focus back, and this time I will not let it go. I will hold on to it tighter than I have ever held onto anything else in my life. Though I know focus is intangible, I will treat it as a tangible object that I will never break or lose. Focus I want you to be my old/new permanent best friend.
And when I get that focus back, I will complete my novel, I will conduct speaking engagements, I will create shows for TV, and maybe I will even have my own TV show. I will be better than I would ever have imagined that I could be. I will be the epitome of a woman who can shape the world…all because I have FOCUS.
When I was living in New York I never personally knew anyone who was in the military. I never met a person who went to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan. I never met anyone who was risking his or her life in the midst of battle to protect our country.
While living in Hawaii I have met many people from different branches of the military who serve our country and put their lives on the line for our freedom. They go to war, they fight hard, and endlessly. Knowing someone who has went to the battle ground one, two, or, three times makes this war a reality that I once choose to ignore. Hearing stories from the field and, seeing how families are affected by multiple deployments, brings to life a side of this war that I was blind to when I did not know a single member of our military. Hearing a story told through the media, and hearing a story told by a person who was actually fought in combat are two completely different experiences. This experience has put a few things in perspective and also adds a new spin to the meaning on what it means to fight for freedom. Last week we celebrated Veteran’s day, but for what our Veteran’s do for us as civilians we should take a moment each day to honor them and what they contribute to our own personal well being.
To know a solider, a wife of a solider, or a child of a solider whose father has died while in combat, to me is a surreal experience. People are fighting, dying, families are waiting patiently with anxiety for loved ones to return. If they do not return hearts are broken, the family is permanently broken. Some soldiers come back different. PTSD is real. They go to war and see things that they wish they have never seen, they experience things that they wish they have never experienced. The game of war is not a video game with a reset button, in life there is only one chance to survive.
Personally, I am still against the war. Don’t get me wrong, I feel this is a war that did not have to happen. As the Black Eyed Peas, say in their song “Where is the Love”, “there is a war going on and the reason is undercover”. This is not a war of freedom, it is a war of politics. So for that, since lives are lost each day in vain, I will continue to be against the war. However, I will continue to honor, support, and not take for granted the men and women who fight in this war. A friend of mine says that he feels “honored” every time he puts own his army uniform. He has pride when he fights for our country. So to my friends, and all our troops, past and present, I say Thank You.
Recently I watched the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”. First I must admit that I loved the book, so I would recommend the book to anyone as a first option rather than seeing the movie. In my opinion the movie does the book a great injustice (but I hear that about most books that go to movie version, right?). Maybe when I have my book turned movie we can keep it as true to form as possible. Sorry, I digress.
When I originally watched Liz Gilbert on Oprah in 2008 speaking on her journey, I immediately fell in love with her story. Her admiration, courage, and inspirational message, was one that forced me to stop, think, and reflect on my own life. I think we all may have points in life when we feel unhappy, uneasy, worried, and stuck. But the way we move forward from those points are the true measure of who we are as individuals.
I must admit that after hearing Liz Gilbert speak, and eventually reading her story, significantly helped me make the decision to move away from my city life and come to Hawaii. I was at a point in life where I did not know what to do next, feeling unhappy, and stuck. I knew something needed to change and, I had to be the vessel to promote the change that was needed for my life. Though it was not an easy decision, it was what I personally needed, change. Looking back now I know it was the right decision, even in times of doubt I know it was right. It was a change that saved my life.
In “Eat, Pray, Love”, it is mentioned that every person and city has a word. The word for Rome is sex, the word for New York is achieve, and Gilbert declares her word to be attaversiamo which is Italian for “Let’s cross over”. Well this had me thinking about what my word could be. At first glance I thought my word should be “crazy hot mess”. I know, I know, that’s three words. Maybe if I translate it to another language then it will be only one word. But, then again I am really not that much of a crazy hot mess, and that really doesn’t describe the essence of my full being and everything that comes along with it.
So after much careful thought and planning I decided my word is RESILIENT! In some respect I hate to use the word Resilient as “my word” because I do have times where I feel that it is a commonly overused word. But as I think more about my own life, what I have overcome, the choices I have made, and where I am now, I can’t help but to say that my word is truly Resilient! I have struggled, second guessed, hated myself, and came back to eventually love myself and everything I have to offer the world. So in retrospect, yes I am Resilient!
However, there are times when I feel as if I am not worthy of using that word. Have I been through enough? Do I really know what it is like to come out of a struggle and keep living? I ask myself those questions because in my real life I am a therapist. I have a degree in counseling psychology, and I think I am pretty good at what I do. I help families who struggle with controlling their teenage children. After a recent session I had with a parent, I realized resiliency goes a lot further than I have ever imagined and sometimes the only choice in life is to be resilient in order to find the energy to wake up the next day.
See this parent is a single mom with four children. Two of the children are in elementary school, one is in high school, and the oldest is a young adult. This mom has been constantly struggling to make sure that her older children lead the right path in life and learn responsibility, while making sure that the younger children avoid the pitfalls of society. Recently this mom lost her job. An unwanted setback that will end up in a test of her own strength.
As I sat in session with her, I listened. I realized that she has no choice but to be resilient. She can not just give up on herself, because to give up on herself would be to give up on her children. As a single mom she does not have the luxury of taking a year off from life to travel and find herself. She cannot just pick up and move to start life over when life gets tough. She has to keep living through the hard times. She has to keep pushing, have hope, and pray that tomorrow is better than the day before.
As I listened, I felt at a loss for words. I have never been in her shoes. I cannot imagine the hopelessness that she was feeling. But, I was there for her. I did the best job I knew how and, I attempted to help her remember that she does have to keep going. I realized that no matter what life gives her, she will never have a simple choice, she has to think about herself and the children. She cannot give up, she keeps going each day, holding on tighter to the feeling that the best is yet to come. She continues to believe and have faith that life will work, and in the end she will come out of it surly being resilient!
Straight from NY to Paradise in a Day!!! 