Taking a Time Out!!!

I am calling time out! …..Time out!

I feel the need to take a time out and rest on the bench. I don’t want to play. I just decided that I don’t want to play anymore. Playing “the game”, the dating game is a lot more work than I thought. I have never been good at games anyway. Not monopoly, spades, bingo, or uno. I have never been good at playing, and I seem to not win. So how did I get stuck in the middle of this dating game, when I never wanted to play in the first place!

As I progress in playing this game  I will honestly say I am not really good at it, but I do think that I have a pretty good team. I have a starting line up that keeps me busy, and individually each of my 5 starters know their position, as they each meet a different need for me. But even with a strong starting line up, I feel like I am missing that Kobe or Lebron who will just dominate the game. You know the franchise player who will take over, be able to play every position, and play it with confidence. He will never need rest, and will be honored to play the entire time without needing a sub to fill in.  Basically that one guy who meets my needs so well that I don’t have to look to fill the other 4 positions because he has them all on lock. He knows when to move, how to move, and where to go to make things happen. If I just had a Kobe or Lebron, I wouldn’t need players for the other positions, and would no longer need to look back for someone else to make a play.

I have the movie guy, the guy with the great conversation and intellectual stimulation, the one who makes me laugh, the one who likes adventure and outdoor activities, and the one who I can just sit home and chill with. Sounds great huh, but why can’t they all be encompassed into just one person. That one IT guy who makes me laugh, has great conversation, likes to watch movies, likes to sit home and relax, and also like to experience the outdoors and adventure. I know there has to be a man out there who has all of these qualities, and hopefully I can find him so I can retire from this game with a championship ring.

In addition to my rotational starting line up,  I would say that I have the best sixth man in the game. He would make Ben Gordon and Jason Terry jealous with his sixth man abilities.  My sixth man is always ready to come off the bench and fill in whenever one of my starters starts to act up. He would surely be the top candidate for the sixth man of the year award in the dating game (if there was one). He is down to play any position, always ready when I need him, and he doesn’t need time to warm up. On  someone’s else team he would truly be a starter, maybe even the MVP. He would be the Kobe of their team.  However, on my team I can only bring him off the bench, and no matter how good he is at playing his position, he will never reach the starting line up.

But even with a fully stacked team,  a strong rotation of players, I feel like I need a time out from this game. This team doesn’t seem to be working as well as it once did. It may be time to make some trades, and recruit  new free agents. Yet, that still takes work, a lot of work. It’s the starting over, the getting to know him, seeing where he is going to fit in. Will he be willing to play any position I put him at? But I will secretly be hoping that he is the Kobe that I am looking for, so I can cut the rest of the team from my roster. I have no problem making cuts for a star player. But it seems the stars are in rare form,  and I have to fill in the gaps somehow.

When I was in a long term relationship with my ex,  I would look at my  BFF Dana and be jealous of her single girl adventures. She always had a new story about a new guy. I would think “wow that must be fun”!! New men, new experiences, not having anyone to answer to, and being able to tell him to leave when he pisses you off. Yeah I thought that would be fun.

Now I know better. It’s not as fun as it looked from inside the window of a relationship.  As TO said about that girl on his show,  I am a “relationshipper”. I like relationships. I like commitments. I like seeing just one guy day after day. I want one person to be the movie guy, the dinner guy, and be there for everything else I need guy. Together the two of us can be a team. We are both the stars of each others team, and there will be no bench to look to when things get complicated. He will be the one I pass the ball to, and he passes it back to me. It works. We win together, we lose together, and we play the whole game together.

But until then, I think I’ll just take a twenty second time out!

My Intro To “The Game”

As I was sitting at my computer while scrolling through craigslist (yeah craigslist…)  looking for new friends out here in Hawaii, I came upon an ad for a man who actually turned out to be a good friend. We are solely friends and a friend who has never had a problem sharing dating advice with me.  I will call him Mike. Mike is in the Airforce, and I met him while he was “passing through” Hawaii on military business (whatever that is supposed to mean). He was on a three week working vacation in Hawaii, and was on the search for new friends.

Mike and I met up for some drinks, and had an interesting conversation on the dating game, and why I am going to have to play the game,  and play it good. He so eloquently in his manly way said I have no choice, if I want to “win” then I am going to have to play. Now I am taking “winning” to mean that I will get someone to put a ring on it (as Beyonce so nicely put it). Well this ring better be worth it. For all this trouble  and states of utter confusion that my mind is constantly in, I better have a rock so big that it won’t fit in my bag!!

So since its either play or spend every subsequent Saturday night alone, I will put myself in the game. But, boy for someone new to this game it is a struggle to get aquainted with all the rules. The rules of what to say, what not to say, who pays,  what restarurants can he afford, and how to kick him out of my apartment when he has clearly overstayed his welcome (just had to throw that one in there!).

Now the way Mike explained this game was quite interesting. He even used the coasters sitting at the bar to get his point across. He took the stack of coasters and said “that any man who is worth his salt does not just want to settle down with only one  girl”.  My first thought: What the HELL does that mean!!!  Well that basically turned into why just have one coaster all by itself, when you can have a stack of five or six coasters! Now I completely understand that this is fully Mike’s dating know how 101, so I am not going to think this is the view of all men. But he is a man so I listened, I figured he knew a little something about men.

Since he is in the Airforce, Mike travels all over the world on the military dime, and  has “collected friends” all over the world. I used the term International man whore to describe him one time, yeah he did’t like that too much. But really, lets call it what it is. When you meet girls in different cities worldwide, then make sure you keep in touch with them when you leave so you have a ” sex buddy” when you return…ummm that is screaming international man whore. He admits that he does have sex with his “buddies”, he keeps in contact with them while he is gone, and makes plans to meet up with them when he returns to their city. With his suave deameanor I can see how he charms girls into that role. He does have his life in order, owns a house, has a good job, and many girls may see him as that perfect guy. On first glance he appears like a straight gentlemen. But ladies don’t be fooled, he is a fully loaded man whore. Hey he almost got me to enter his collection with his charming words of wisdom. However, I was quickly turned off by the fact that he may be exposed to many a STD, and returned to my senses. Yup so he has just remained my friend Mike, the International Man Whore!  Hey, if you have a better term for that, please let me know! I am very open to other ways to describe it.

After getting the inside information on how to play the game due to our bar conversation, I went out into the world and tried it out. The next weekend I went on 4 dates in 2 days. I would have never thought that would have been possible. I am lazy, and only want to have one bad date per day. Unfourtanely,  I had to squeeze it in, since one of the guys was returning to his home state of Washington that weekend. I figured he could buy me dinner, why not, I need to eat right? I was playing the game. And the game was making me more tired than my daily work day.  I had a lunch and dinner date each day. It was actually only 3 guys that I had to go out with, because my Saturday lunch guy, was also my Sunday morning church and lunch guy. I must admit it was fun to have  a multiple date weekend, but even after all of that I didn’t feel any closer to finding what I was looking for in just one man. I had 3 men, 3 different personalities, a stack of 3 coasters, but why did I feel like something was missing? Oh its because I was playing the game. Since I am new to the game I will probably lose more than I will win, but yet I will have to keep playing.

So as I learn this game, I will just hope that maybe one day I will be good at it, and actually enjoy playing. (Yeah lets see about that).

Ahhhhhh! Dating Sucks

Since I am writing as the single girl who moved from NY to Hawaii I will take this opportunity to let you in a little on my dating life. Ok now before you get your hopes up and become utterly excited, please note that it is really not that exciting. I must admit that it is a bit interesting at times because for much of my life I have been the “anti dater” and just had long term relationships with guys who just happen to one day become my boyfriend. I know you are probably thinking, hey how did she have boyfriends without dating? Well I am still trying to figure that one out too, it was simple one day I met a guy we clicked,  and the next day (or a few weeks of constant interactions later)  he was my boyfriend, and we were in an exclusive relationship. Yes this has worked twice in my life, and has taken up much of my twenties, and I have no regrets about either one. Yes it sounds strange and conveniently simple, but hey it was that easy! Anyway, now I am single, so we see how those turned out! (No really I had good times no hard feelings) But since I live on the notion that everything happens for a reason,  today I can write to you as the single girl who traveled from NY to Hawaii, and living life by learning about me!

So back to  this dating thing, now I am not one to follow “rules” of dating. One of my favorite movies is “How to lose a guy in 10 days”, so maybe that will tell you something about me. I do not like going on hundreds of dates with different men, let’s be real some of them are just strange, socially inept, or just plain cheap. Side note to all men over the age of 23: fast food and a DVD at your house or mine is NOT a good first date!  Now back to me!  Because I am lazy, and I don’t feel like dealing with a lot of different people. Every first date is like a rerun of a bad movie with a different title. You always go through the same questions, trying to get to know someone, on the hopes that this guy actually has that IT factor that I am looking for only to find out that by the end of the night after I am done pretending to like you, I have to dodge my way out of him trying to kiss me. Ok maybe not all the time, but most of it. I hate to admit it but I have tried eharmony and Craigslist looking for the all elusive Mr. Right, yeah I am still here writing as the single girl in Hawaii, so what does that say about that! I must admit that I have met some good guys, nice friends, but not the man that is worthy enough to call me his girl or wife for that matter.

The dating scene in Hawaii is so different from NY, from what my experience has been there are two types of men, Military and Local. Yes ladies feel free to choose, you can either have a man who is protecting and serving our country through one of the branches of the military, or a local Hawaiian guy, who is probably very nice, and a great surfer, but not really a fan of the mainland. Oh and let me not forget there are the men who just picked up and decided to move to Hawaii one day, just like myself for various reasons, but I haven’t dated them ( I think they may be a little too much like me, all over the place and has nomadic like tendencies!). Now both types of men are nice guys so don’t get me wrong here.

Military men appear like they have it all together, and seem to be financially stable, although recently a friend told me I was wrong about that one. The financial part that is. Before I moved here I swore all men in the military were just plain crazy, and I wouldn’t give them a second look. But living in Hawaii I have met plenty from all branches ( literally all of the branches), and have had a lot of fun with them. Now that does not mean sexual fun, but just good old fashioned dating and taking me back home. For real, I am serious!!! People still do that you know.  Oh and if you meet a Black or Hispanic man, he is probably in the military, or has a military past. The number one problem why I have issues with ever being married to a military man is because they are not home a lot of the time!!! I do tilt my hat and commend military wives, but who in the world wants a husband that can be deployed for months at a time, and can just be told that you have to relocate out of the blue. Nope not me, when I move I like it to be by choice, and I DO NOT intend to get married only to have to still sleep alone at night!!! Sorry people, but that sucks!!! Hate me if you like, the views and opinions of this blog are solely mine!

Now the local guys, oh they are great, always give you a great laugh. Will teach you words that no one will ever know on the mainland, and fill you up with rice and macaroni salad. No need to ever go to a gym again! They will show you the land of Hawaii, and always have a very adorable smile. The family will love you, and fill you up on rice and macaroni salad daily. The only thing is they probably love living in Hawaii and would not think of leaving, so I can’t marry them either, because although I love the island, I think I must return to the stress of reality one day, right??? Maybe. But I like the option.

So that leaves me with still dating these men, going out to great restaurants, learning about the islands, and still keeping my single girl swag on the side. So for right now, hey i’m doing alright.  🙂

Goodbye Summer

OK so I have been gone for a while but now I am back!!!! For real this time (or at least for a few days). What was I doing? Well off enjoying the end of summer. Yes the end of summer, which is strange to say when you live in Hawaii, because even in mid September, the weather is still warm, everyday is a beach day, and I can still wear shorts and a tank daily. No fall jacket needed,  the breezy NY mornings, and smell of fresh fall air does not exist here. Yes this is great its still hot, and I can say that I still have the feeling that life is good! I am not a person who misses seasons, so I can be in a happy space. Please note if you do enjoy leaves falling off trees and the bitter cold of winter then no Hawaii is not the place for you to reside. Vacations are always great!  The only way I know that its time for the season change is because it starts to get dark early. My precious sun goes down earlier and earlier each day, bringing on the darkness. But yes that I cannot escape, the sun must go down, and the realities of fall and winter still exsit.

So what have I been up to? I will keep this brief for the readers who really don’t care about me and what I have been doing. But in all actuality I can say that I am continuing to learn more about myself everyday and I am learning the best life lessons ever. There is so much to do in Hawaii besides go to a beach. My summer has consisted of going to swim with sharks at the North Shore, watching a real life Luau, snorkling, and even rock climbing off the side of a mountain! Through it all I have survived, challenged myself, gained an amazing amount of self confidence, and increased my endurance along the way! So can I say that I had fun? Of course I have fun! And the best part is that I truly can say that I ROCK! I have been able to do things that I never would have fathomed previously in my mind, and I feel like each experience makes me a little bit more ready to take on my next adventure.

The Power of “I Can’t”

Here is a random post that is maybe not so random to some:

As I reflect back in my life on moments where I didn’t accomplish something that I wanted to do, or felt a sense of fear of moving forward, I am realizing that I have been my own worst enemy, and have stood in my own way. I told myself time and time again that I CAN”T DO IT!!!! I am now thinking that the simple phrase of I CAN’T is one of the most powerful phrases in the English language. It dictates life for many, and holds people away from reaching goals that they are destined to reach. Yeah that darn “I Can’t”, so simple, yet so powerful in life.

When I came to Hawaii I never told myself I can’t do it, or thought that I wouldn’t make it. Sure other people thought that I couldn’t do it, or that I wasn’t going to just move out of New York. I had fought that “I can’t” that lingers with every decision, I knew that I wanted to do it, to at least give it a try, and see if I can make it. To step outside of my box of safety and make a difference in my own life. Not having the “I can’t” just pick up and leave mentality made it possible for me to be living in paradise, and to feel like I am even living at all.

But I myself have struggled with thinking that I can’t do something many a times in life. Whether it was thinking I can’t be a doctor because I am not smart enough, or I can’t find a new job because no one will hire me, I have realized that saying those words stopped me from reaching my full potential, and stopped me from being happy with life at all. How did we get to a point in our lives where we believe that we can’t do something, or that we can’t find our own sense of happiness. Is it a fear of failing or is there something more?

As babies go from crawling to learning to walk, they fall frequently, and they keep falling. But they don’t stop trying, babies don’t just give up and say “hey I guess I am going to crawl forever”. They get back up and attempt to take a few more steps, then a few more until they have mastered walking. Babies don’t know how to say “I can’t” and don’t know the meaning, so they always feel like they can keep going. They also have a cheering section of parents and other adults that encourage them to keep on going. It seems as we get older our cheering section becomes smaller, we understand more about life, and the phrase “I can’t” is able to just move in and take over. No longer are there people saying “hey you can do it, just one more step”, or thinking it is cute when you do fall. As an adult it may seem that some people are sitting back waiting for you to fall, so they can say “I knew it” or “I told you so”. And then the “I can’t” becomes a stronger force for next time.

Well I have some good news for everyone who has ever said “I CAN’T”, hey those are just words, and they don’t define who you are. If you want to do something, why not just give it a try, and if it doesn’t work out, take the lessons learned, get back up, and try to walk again. Just as easily as you can say “I CAN’T”, turn that into “I CAN”. And that cheering section that is just waiting for you to fall on your face? Why don’t you really make them angry and make them be even more mad at you, just by accomplishing what you say you are going to do. So next time the thoughts come into your mind, ” I can’t lose weight”, “I can’t get a new job”, or “I can’t move to a new place”, think  I CAN DO IT, and I AM GOING TO DO IT JUST  WATCH. And just as easily as you stopped yourself from moving forward, you now have motivation to actually move forward and do what makes you happy. Don’t feel guilty by accomplishing goals, feel satisfied that you have finally set a goal, reached it, and start preparing yourself for the next one!

Now as a task for the day: Do one small thing that you have been telling yourself “I CAN’T” to, and tell yourself I CAN DO THIS, and I AM GOING TO DO THIS TODAY!!! After its done let me know how you felt your life changed, and whats next on your I CAN list!

My journey to becoming Kama’aina!!!

So today I experienced the trials and tribulations of a Hawaiian government agency,  I took the big leap, made a huge step, and finally got myself, my very own Hawaii state ID card! Yes I am now officially a resident of the state of Hawaii and have ID to prove it. I am now Kama’aina (local) as they call it in Hawaii. Well not really because I am black girl living in Hawaii, and I look nothing like a Hawaiian anything, so I am pretty sure people know that I was not born and raised in Hawaii. Unless I grew up in a military family, or have a Hawaiian accent (which I really don’t,  barely have the New York accent), its not hard to tell that I am not a true local. But alas, now I do have proof that I am a resident, and most importantly I qualify for all the Kama’aina discount prices! In Hawaii there are two ways to save money, either you can be in the military (and  that is not happening because I have never been fond of Uncle Sam), or you can be an actual resident. Sorry tourists but the truth of the matter is that when you don’t live here and come to the island to visit, you spend a lot of money. The prices are raised for clubs, bars, and anything that’s fun so the locals can make more money. Too bad NY doesn’t give discounts to state residents, maybe I would have stayed there (no not really, just a passing thought).

Moving on, today was a big day (and a long one at that). I guess since I have ID to prove that I am a resident that means that I am gonna stick around for a while, ummm…lets just take it one day at a time for now. Now you notice that I said Hawaii state ID and not that I changed my driver’s license over to the state of Hawaii. Oh no I made a conscious decision not to do that, I am  holding on to my New York State driver license as long as possible. I feel it necessary to hold on to my original big city roots, and have evidence that I do come from the great state of NY (and that I can probably drive faster than any one else on this island who is not from NY!).

Let me take you on the journey through, my eventful day of obtaining a state ID. First of all you can’t just go to the DMV and go get an ID. I am used to that because in New York, the DMV is the one stop shop for any form of identification, but no, not in Hawaii, they have a whole separate office to get a state ID. To get to this government office that is only open from 8AM until 2 PM, I had to first drive my car into town (Honolulu).  Since my morning already started off wrong, I actually didn’t leave my house until 12 pm, leaving me only 2 hours to get to this office. Now you may think, OK 2 hours is plenty of time, yeah think again, not when driving into town or downtown Honolulu.  First I drive onto the H1  the highway that is closest to my house, and for some reason no matter what time of day it is, there always seems to be some form of traffic on this H1. Then when  I reach my exit to find this office building, knowing I have no idea where it is, just some map quest directions, and a wonderful HTC Touchpro phone with GPS (my ultimate Hawaii lifesaver! Highly recommended phones with navigational GPS apps), I begin my search for this building. Now let me get this straight, driving downtown to Honolulu in mid afternoon is NOTHING like driving through the midtown tunnel in Manhattan in the middle of the afternoon. The amount of traffic on a summer afternoon in Manhattan compared to Honolulu, makes downtown Honolulu look like an empty parking lot! So I will not sit here an complain about the many one way streets of Honolulu, and lanes that force you to turn down another one way street, and streets that will never end up making a full circle no matter how many left turns you take. Even though that is frustrating for a person that easily gets lost, I won’t complain, and hey remember I have my trusty phone-GPS system! So I finally reach the building that does the state ID’s for every person on the island of Oahu at about 1:30 Pm. Great, I have about a half hour to spare before this place closes. I am hoping that I can just go in and out, and be done without wasting the rest of my afternoon, yeah that was just wishful thinking.

As I arrive at the building, my first daunting task was to look for parking. Ok I will complain about this, as in midtown Manhattan or by any government building in NY, there is never any parking! Why is that? No parking, and meters that charge a quarter for every 10 seconds you leave your car. Our great government, when going to a government building, make sure you have lots of spare change!!! I finally find a parking space after driving around for what seemed like an eternity, and empty all my spare change into this meter. Obviously the amount of change I had on me was not enough because I still got a parking ticket!!!! Damn the Honolulu police, did they really have to give me a ticket? OK, OK, OK, I know I should have checked my meter more often, got more change, and avoided getting a ticket at all costs. But really I just wanted to get my ID and leave, how was I supposed to know that it was going to take 3 hours of precious time out of my life to get a state ID.  After I finally park my car and walk into the building, which I can’t pronounce the name but its called the Kekuanao’a building, I had a quick coherent flashback of being at the New York State DMV. Yup lots of people, and long lines, I guess that doesn’t change from state to state. Except these people didn’t look pissed off, and nobody was ready to tell off the person working behind the counter, no that’s not a NY myth, that’s a NY actual experience! They did have one police officer with a gun in the building, so maybe Hawaiians do become angry and out of control at the site of long lines.

I am not gonna lie, at this point I wanted to just leave, I have very little patience for lines. Now in Hawaii people are very friendly, and everything is done with Aloha.  The state of  Aloha is usually very welcoming, and charming however, I am starting to think that it is also take your time, and move incredibly slow! I know I am from NY and everything in NY moves quick, we like things done now and do it fast! We walk fast, talk fast, and New Yorkers are always in a rush. The thought of missing a train and waiting another 3-5 minutes on a platform for the next one is close to the equivalent of being tortured to a slow, painful, death. I know I have to get used to the Hawaiian state of mind which is slow, take your time, and no rush. But I am still a native New Yorker, so can we speed this Aloha thing up just a little bit. Maybe there can be a middle ground, not quite the NY speed race, but faster than the Hawaiian tortuous.

As I fill out my application and wait in the FIRST line for my documents to be reviewed, I just keep thinking this line is not moving at all, and thoughts of leaving keep entering my mind. The only thing that held me in this line was that I didn’t feel like making the trip back here to do it again. Finally the line move and I get closer to seeing the document woman. When I get closer to her desk another woman hands me a number, I think what is this number for, then I sadly, and painfully realize that this number is for my second leg of this race. Not only is there the document line, there is the real wait to actually get your ID, Ha! I think to myself, what have I gotten myself into. So she hands me number 94, I look up at the screen to see the number that is now being served and my heart suddenly hits the ground when I see 44. I check my number again to make sure that I had read it correctly the first time, maybe it really said 49 and not 94, but no it really said 94. OMG!!! I have to wait for 50 people to go before I finally get seen to have my picture taken for my ID. There goes those thoughts of leaving flying around my head again, just wanting to walk out, go to the beach and grab lunch. No again I talk myself into staying, I say I am going to do this, because there is NO WAY in the world am I coming back to do this again!!! I look over at all the people sitting on the benches waiting for their numbers to be called, I think to myself, wow I wonder how long they have been here? Some of them look like they have been sleeping here overnight! Then I realize why the office shuts down at 2 PM by the time they are done with everyone it has to be about 5 or 6 PM. I am not sure if that is Hawaii slowness, or not enough staff to meet the needs of the agency. But oh well, I finally have my documents reviewed and wait for my number to be called.

Nearly 2 hours later, finally they reach number 90, just 4 more people to go, then its my turn. I feel the excitement start to turn inside of me, as I realize its almost time for me to reclaim my life, and get out of this office!!! I start to think wow I can make plans for the rest of the day, what am i going to do next, my life will be mine again! My number is called, I hand in my documents, my picture is taken, and then once again I am back to sitting and waiting for my ID to be made up. Now the great thing about this whole process is that my ID is made and given to me right there. I don’t have to go back, and I don’t have to wait 3-4 weeks for it to come in the mail. I can start being local or Kama’aina right when I walk out the building. Kama’aina discounts here I come! The wait for my ID to be ready is approximately 10 minutes, not too bad since I have just spent the last 3 hours waiting, I’m sure I won’t die in the next 10 minutes. Finally the woman at the desk calls my name, hands me my new Hawaii state ID, and I head on out! Not a horrible experience. The staff were very friendly, and even though they had seen hundreds of  people during the day, they still managed to smile and have a tone of voice as though I was number 1. Now that is the difference that you don’t see in a New York State DMV, some of those workers act like they hate their jobs, and treat you like you told them they would be stuck in a miserable job at the DMV for the rest of their life. Even though the wait was long, and my day wasn’t perfect, it was nice be treated friendly as I finally became a Hawaii resident.

Now who wants to deal with my parking ticket???……..