Category: Love

No more first dates please!

On By Jenni C.In Life, Love, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl8 Comments

So I have a confession: For the first time ever in my life I ran out on a date. I didn’t even say goodbye. I just left. I had enough. I wanted to scream. To avoid screaming, I made the most non under dramatic exit possible. Like a superhero I bolted out the door with lightning flash speed (we were at the movies, I ran out on the movie. Who does that?) The first,  hopefully the last and only time that I will ever have to engage in such a act. But to be honest, I couldn’t take it anymore, I just had to go.

The details of my bad date aren’t really that important. Since I left, trust me it was bad. I am 30 years old! In my own right, I have a higher standard of dating. To engage in a date with a drunk guy at the movies is not on my to-do-list. Yet it happened. So long story short: he was drunk and obnoxious, I was mortified and sick to the pit of my stomach, and I bolted towards the end of the longest two hour movie date of my life. I was tempted to walk home at nearly 11:00 at night, yeah it was that bad. Lucky for me, I have awesome friends who are willing to rescue me from the horror of my dating life (thank God, maybe the heavens do like me!). I was saved from walking, the night ended with great laughs, and another story to add to the book.

I never fail to get that all too common reminder as to why I hate dating.  When I seem to have a memory lapse, suddenly it comes back to me, the reasons why I can do without a first, second, or third date. In fact I have come to this conclusion: I never want to go on a first date again! I feel the need to be saved from the pain of having to endure the torment of horrible conversation, or sitting across the table from someone who should probably be at the nearest AA meeting than out in public with me.

Yup, its official, I am throwing in the dating towel. In a perfect world I would just be able to bypass all the mundane initial date “stuff” and move to the actual relationship. The relationship, the stage where we are exclusive. The stage where we are comfortable with one another.  He tells me how much he loves my smile, he knows what to say to make me laugh, I do sweet girlfriend things and  he enjoys listening to my useless tidbits that should probably land me a spot on Jeopardy. That stage where I don’t have to shave my legs every single time we go out because he is fully aware that hair grows on them, and if I want to sit around that house in sweatpants, then fine! Sweatpants are perfectly acceptable attire, he doesn’t care.  I would much rather prefer that stage, than the stage of the awkward first, second, third, fouth…..date.

Who said dating was fun? They lied. The truth, it sucks. No wonder speed dating is so popular, the commitment only lasts for 8 minutes. Short, sweet, and to the point, to me that equals perfection. If I can’t stand you at minute 8, we can part ways and never have to speak to each other again. So much better than waiting for minute 120 or 180, those minutes seem to last forever.

If only life had a fast forward button. If I could close my eyes today, and be in a completely monogamous relationship tomorrow, well I’ll take it. We know we will work, we have what each other are looking for, and we want the same things in life. Sounds good to me. Oh wait, life doesn’t really happen that way. I must endure the pain of a first date to get to that point.

Did anyone watch “What Chilli Wants” on Vh1? I see now why Chilli’s list was long enough to circle the entire earth…twice. To go out on a date and have an utter sense of disappointment is a pure waste of time and energy. At least if you know what you want to can see, attack, then conquer. Well maybe not so harshly, but you get the point.

To move to the relationship stage, dating must come first. If anyone knows a way around it, trust me I am open for ideas. As I eagerly hope for that amazing date that happens with ease involving  great conversation,  encompassing moments that I hope can last just a little bit longer, and a feeling of utter calmness, I will do what I can to stay positive. I will still go out, after a through screening process 🙂 Believe me the screening is not that bad.

At 30 I have a new take on dating. No wonder it is far more difficult than when I was 20. I am in a new realm. I have evolved. I have higher standards, I have expectations. Yup, dating is more complex now than ever. But, as with everything else in life, the more I try, the closer I am to getting it right.

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences.

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29 and counting…Lessons learned from my mother

On By Jenni C.In Life, Love, Mother's day, Mothers, Relocation, Turning 302 Comments

As I gear up to approach 30, I have finally come to realize that I am an adult. A true adult.  OK, I know it took me long enough to grab on to that concept, but since I have been fighting the responsibilities of adulthood for so long, its has never been easy to accept that I am a true adult.  With adult actions, come adult choices, and adult consequences. Being an adult is not fun. As I move into a  phase of embracing this adulthood, I also am realizing that I have grown into a woman who is much like my mother. When I take a step out of myself, and examine the woman whom I have become, I see a lot of my mother in me. In my actions, my words, even in my crazy and somewhat chaotic thought process, I have grown into a younger version of my mother (Is this really what parents want from their kids?). While the 15-year-old teenager  in me yells and screams in pure rebellion format, the 30-year-old woman in me is pretty proud of what I have grown up to become.

My mother has been a substantial role model for me, and if I had a choice on who would teach me how life is supposed to be lived, I surely had the best pick of all when it comes to my mother. My mother is a woman who carries herself with integrity and grace, she has never taken a life experience for granted, she embodies the true definition of strength.  My mother does not give up, she not only keeps going, but does her best encourage others to keep going. She understands that life is not perfect, but she has a spirit that motivates her to keep living life to the fullest everyday.  A woman who has never been a taker, a woman who is an outstanding giver of herself, her time, her energy, a woman who will easily put the needs of others before the needs of her herself. To be fortunate enough emulate a woman who has excelled beyond measure as a wife, a mother, a friend, and an individual exemplifies the true meaning of a blessing. I was given a mother who is not only a role model, but a leader for my life. A woman who very much without her knowledge provided me with gifts of influence and lessons of womanhood that I would have never embraced had it not been for her.

So today, as I recognize  the woman who I have become, the future wife, and future mother in me must truly say thank you to my mother. She has shown me how to not only live as a woman, but to live as a woman with integrity.

Lessons I learned from my mother

Lesson 1: To whom much is given, much is expected:

My mother made sure I had a good education. Sher always expected me to get good grades, and go to college. I never thought college was not an option to me, my thought was that is was a requirement of life. My mother was proud to see me go to college. No matter what college I got into, I knew I could go. She would never look at me and say “I don’t have the money”. If I got in and wanted to go, she would find the money to make it happen. My mother didn’t have money in a college savings fund, but she knew the value in me attending college. She made it happen. My mother often stretched herself to give me a lot. For this she always reminds me, To whom much is given, much is expected. I was always given an opportunity to do better, now it is my turn to help others do better. My mother expects me to keep growing on the opportunities that were given to me. My task is to not waste the sacrifices that others have made for me. She always tells me that she wants to see great things from me, and daily I continue to work to make that happen.

Lesson 2: Be grateful to others and make sure to show appreciation:

When I was younger I would frequently watch my mother go out of her way to help other people. Anyone could call her and ask her for a favor and she would do it, she would not only do it but she would go beyond what was even asked. No matter how tired, stressed, or overwhelmed she was, she would make sure she was available to help those who would ask. I would sit back and wonder why as it looked like it was just extra trouble for her,  and she was getting absolutely nothing out of the deal. I would sit and think, ” is mommy a doormat?” Why do we have to keep doing things for these people, especially when it appeared they were taking her for granted. My mother would then tell me countless stories of incidents when she needed help in one way or another and there was always someone there to help her. W ether it was someone who allowed her to stay at their home, cook her a meal, or just check in on her when she was having a bad day, someone was always there. So she would easily give back to them when they asked for help, she could never do enough to show her appreciation to whomever it was for being there in her time of need.

Lesson 3: Whatever you do, do it well:

I hate art. I am a really bad artist, and if anyone ever tells me to draw anything I spiral into a pre drawing anxiety attack. In elementary and junior high school, a lot of projects required some type of art accompaniment. Since I was so bad at art, my drawings, paintings, and projects were horrible if every form. For me to take it to school and turn it in like that was completely unacceptable for my mother. Since I hated art, I put no time into it, and threw something together that I hoped would get me at least a B grade. I have no artistic talent and hated to pretend otherwise.  We would then spend hours working on projects until they looked presentable enough to leave the house, until it was good enough to take into the teacher. The project represented me, it showed the value of my work. My mother taught me the value of putting time and effort into things, even when I hate doing them. If I am going to do something, then I need to do it well. My work represents me, it is how people make their judgement of me. My mother taught me the value of doing my best, being proud of my work, and even if things do not come naturally to me to keep working at it so at least it will look like it is a natural talent in the eyes of others.

Lesson 4: Make sure to look like a million bucks, even if your entire outfit cost you five bucks:

My mother is the greatest bargain shopper. She loves a good sale, and has the ultimate willpower to wait for the price of an item to be marked down to the price that she is willing to pay for it before she will buy it. My mother does not buy anything on impulse. She shops smart, and she shops well. My mother can wear the finest most expensive outfit, knowing that it was not expensive for her. When she goes out to an event, she is prepared because she has bought items piece by piece as they were on sale. Form the top, to the skirt, to the shoes, she is prepared to look her best and impress. Even if she is not going anywhere soon, she will be prepared for when the time comes. The greatest part of her ability to impress is that she is always able to impress within her budget.

Lesson 5: You live in the community, treat it like it is your very own home:

Growing up I have seen my mother involved in taking an active role in the church, as PTA  President, and as someone who is always aware of community events. My parents have lived in the community for over 33 years, it is home. A lot of change has happened over the years, and my mother is very much aware of all the changes. My mother has put much effort into making the community better, into seeing what she can do to play her part as a community member. She has shown me that if you sit by and do nothing then nothing will happen, if you want to witness a change, then someone has to step up and be the voice of that change. It has been an influential aspect for me to see that every voice really does matter.

Lesson 6: By knowing your past, you can work to improve your future:

A few years ago I went for a Ph.D. interview at Columbia University. Both my mother and I were excited that I had the opportunity to be interviewed at Columbia for a Doctorate program. Before the interview my mother told me that I was standing on the shoulders of my ancestors.  At the time I really was uncertain as to what that meant. However I have finally come to realize that if it had not been for my ancestors than I would not have the opportunities that I am given today. My mother always does her best to inform us of her past, and the past of her ancestors. Through her countless stories I have grown to appreciate what my ancestors went through to make life just a little bit better for me. My mother would always tell stories of her childhood, the difficulties that her and her family went through, and how hard they worked to overcome the many obstacles of growing up black in the south. My mother continues to make sure that I never forget the trials and troubles of past generations, so I can do better not only for my generation, but also the generations that come after me.

Lesson  7: How to excel in the world as a Black woman:

To know how to exist in the world as a Black  woman is not easy. It is not a natural task that is innate at birth, and there is no book to teach you how to gain respect as a Black woman. It takes time, preparation, and modeling from elders, to learn how to define yourself as a Black woman. Other people will always want you to be who they think you should be, but you will not be comfortable with yourself until you truly know who you are. Black women are constantly defined by media stereotypes as being angry, loud, and always ready to fight (If you have watched the real housewives of Atlanta then you know what I mean). When I meet people from other parts of the country, they always tell me I don’t act like a Black Woman. As I sit and wonder, “what is that supposed to mean?”, sadly I already know exactly what it means. My mother was my first example of a Black woman, the ultimate role model. The woman who taught me how to act with pose and grace. No need to be the angry Black woman, because anger will get you never help you move forward. From watching the actions of my mother and by listening to her words, I have learned how to show strength in times of despair, how to prove my worth when others have doubted my abilities, and how to be confident in knowing that yes I am a smart Black woman, and yes I am a smart Black woman who is also capable of changing the world.

Lesson 8: Never give up:

My mother never had the opportunity to go to college. Today she is going to college. At the age of 57 my mother is back in school, working to get her bachelor’s degree. A dream that she had, she is making it come true. My mother enjoys learning, she is taking these moments that she has to enhance her knowledge, and create a better future for herself. It is never too late, go after your dreams, and never give up.

Lesson 9: Whenever possible, do your best to extend yourself:

My mother is frequently doing things to make the day better for other people. If she knows they are down, or not feeling well she will look for ways to cheer them up and put a smile on their face. She is often looking for what she can do to help someone else. Not because she owes them something, but because she wants to. My mother will do things to help other people have a positive experience, or just to experience something new in life. It makes her feel good to come up with an idea, put it into action, and see that someone else has had a positive day. My mother is ready and willing to extended herself when needed, and will do it with no questions asked, no monetary value needed. Just the joy of being available to help is enough of the pay back she will need.

Lesson 10: Live your life:

One thing people always ask me is how did my parents react when I told them I was moving to Hawaii. To much of my surprise my mother was very supportive about my move to the other side of the world. Since she thought it was OK for me to leave, then I really felt that this would be a great decision for me.  From when I was a very young child my mother has taught me the importance of living life. On weekends, my mother would take me and my brother to Manhattan to experience museums, the zoo, and concerts in Central Park. She would take us out of our neighborhood in Queens, just so we were aware that there is more to life than the block we grew up on. From my mother learned of learned the importance of going outside the box, I learned to desire more than what was in front of me, and that to truly live you may need to take a risk and explore what is unknown.


Once Again Its Valentine’s Day (Don’t worry it only lasts 24 hours)

On By Jenni C.In dating, Love, relationships, Valentine's Day4 Comments

It’s that time of year again. The day of Love. Valentine’s Day. Again, I will never understand the concept of the day because when I love someone, I hope that I do love them everyday and not just because society tells me to love them specifically on February 14th. Yet, since I am a sucker for romance and a sappy chick flick, I must admit that I do love the feelings and atmosphere that surround February 14th. It is always nice to see an overabundance of diamonds, flowers, and chocolate in lovely heart shaped boxes.

I used to think that Valentine’s Day was a girl holiday (a large part of me still does). Seriously I thought men hated the whole concept of the day. My take was that men who had a significant other would go through the motions and slowly wait in misery for the day to be over. I have never known a man who was genuinely excited about Valentine’s Day. Then I met my ex. He told me that men celebrated Valentine’s Day too, and men should be given gifts just like gifts are given to women. I was perplexed. Huh? All this time I was thinking that Valentine’s Day was a girl holiday. Girls get roses, teddy bears and diamond rings. The Kay jewelers and Hallmark commercials taught me that men present women with gifts on Valentines day, so obviously that was the way the day went down. I always had expected a small gift from the man I was dating at the time, and as for them, umm lets just say I didn’t know what to get them because Valentine’s Day is a girl holiday!

The first Valentines day I celebrated with my ex was simple, well we weren’t actually in an exclusive relationship at the time, so I didn’t expect a gift. He did take me out so that was a nice dating celebration for the day. The next year that damn Valentine’s Day rolled around again, and since we were far and long into an exclusive relationship I guess I had to give him a gift. Although, in my head Valentine’s Day was still a girl day, and I felt like I was being bamboozled. For the sake of genuine happiness in the relationship I caved. Honestly I can’t remember what it was that I got him, I know it wasn’t expensive though, it was small something to say I love you. I could have done that on any given day of any month, however Hallmark told me it was Valentine’s Day so celebrate.

For people in a relationship who are low on a budget, Valentines Day can be an added expense. We just celebrated Christmas less than two months ago. With the blink of an eye, six short weeks into the new year then bam! Another gift giving day. Because of that I feel Valentine’s Day gifts should be small, simple gestures just to say I love you. A large, expensive, materialistic, gift is not always needed. Everyday words and actions that say “I love you” mean so much more than a gift on Valentine’s Day. And that both men and women can reciprocate.

So that ex boyfriend of mine that somehow convinced me that Valentine’s Day was not only a girl day, but a guy day too, well obviously he is an ex for a reason. No it is not just because he expected gifts on Valentine’s Day (even though that would be a funny reason for a woman to break it off with a man). But, we were able to come to a mutual agreement when it came to Valentine’s Day. We were able to do things to make each other feel special, to celebrate love not only February 14, but every day before and after it. It wasn’t about the dollar amount that went into the gift, but the love that would last when the flowers died, after I ate all the chocolate, and after I lost whatever piece of jewelry he would eventually give me. My favorite gift was the one that probably cost him the least amount of money. A CD of original songs that he recorded just for me. The price: the amount of one blank CD.

Valentine’s Day is a  lovely over publicized day. However, since romance is in the air go with it. If that cupid guy shoots you and you feel overjoyed with emotions of love, spread that love. No one should be overly stressed, sad, or increasingly depressed on Valentine’s Day, after all it is just another day. Show love every day, be creative with love, go against the norms and come straight from your heart. By showing the simplest amount of love, in the simplest way, you will defiantly earn the greatest results.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Now can someone tell me the truth, Do men really expect gifts on Valentine’s Day or is it a girl holiday?

GelGems (I love them) on train.
Image via Wikipedia

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

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In the world of love and relationships not every question is a soup question

On By Jenni C.In Love, men, relationships, Self Discovery, sex, single girl2 Comments

The initial dating or getting to know someone phase of a relationship can be tricky. After the first few dates are there any questions that are completely off-limits, or does the concept of a dating, or semi-maybe-possibly we’re dating relationship equate to an open forum of information between two people? Is taking the no holds bar, all questions are possible approach a good strategy for building your relationship?

When we first get to know someone, we do what is natural, we ask questions (or at least I do).  As I continue to talk to them more questions become relevant, and I get more answers. I hope the answers are truthful.  Yet, what if a question is presented, and I feel the question and the answer is not relevant to moving forward with the relationship? Basically it is a question about the past, and has little to do with the future status of the relationship we may or may not be working on building. Do I  have to answer all the questions, or is there a bit of myself that I can keep for myself?

I am a firm believer in transparency.  As you can tell I hold back little information, I write about my life on a blog. I am not a huge fan of lying, I have found many times that the truth always comes out, so I do my best to avoid the lie. Honesty is less stressful, it helps me to keep a clear conscience. So if I am dating someone, or thinking about a relationship with a new man, I will tell the truth all the way.  So when he asks a question, I hope he is prepared for the answer. If the question is asked I have an answer, but I wonder are some questions just blatantly inappropriate to be asking in the first place?

For instance,  when it comes to the issue of sex and past sexual relationships, are detailed questions about a persons sexual past necessary to ask. Now I am not talking about questions like when was the last time you had an STD test, or do you currently have an STD? That I want to know, and if intimacy is to be had, that conversation should be had.  Let’s be honest, HIV is real and I don’t want you to kill me. HPV is more widespread than ever, and herpes is on the rise (I don’t care how happy those people look on the Valtrex commercial). So, if we need to talk about STD tests, yes I want to have  that conversation. That conversation I will bring up myself.

However other questions appear less relevant,  such as how many people have you slept with, or when was the last time you had sex? Are those need- to- know questions if you are not actually in a relationship with someone?  If you are in a relationship does the basis of your relationship change if you know how many people your partner has been with in his or her past?  Are those questions ever OK? If it happened in the past, is it so wrong to leave the past right there.

I say this because I have had men  ask me those very questions, they weren’t even my boyfriend, I was still trying to determine if they were good enough to be boyfriend potential.  I have also heard of men asking other women those questions. To some women (or men) in this situation who get asked those particular questions the saying, “Ask me questions and I will tell you no lies” may come into play. Since I like transparency I will give an honest answer. I give an honest answer for two reasons, number 1: my sex life is nothing I am ashamed of, and number 2: at this point we haven’t reached the point of being in a solid exclusive relationship, I would like any man who wants to know me, to know me for who I am.  Would I ever think those questions are relevant? No.

Some men will be quick to judge a woman by how many men she has slept with in the past. That I will never understand. If he has had previous sexual encounter, why would he expect for her to have a whole lot less sexual encounters of her own. I know men are glorified by their sexual experience, and women are labeled as a slut or hoe if she has too much sexual experience (still not sure who determines exactly what is too much, but oh well). That standard really needs to change. Newsflash to all men: Women are having sex, and they like it!  Sorry men, unless you are number 1, anything after that really doesn’t matter. Start from where you are at in your new relationship and go from there.  If you have expectations for a committed monogamous relationship then state it. Be assured with from that day forward  you will be the only man she is sleeping with, all those other men are non factors. If you want to know the last time she had sex before she was exclusive with you take a moment, breathe, then ask yourself, “Why is this important for me to know”? Continue with,”What what answer am I already expecting”? Trust me, the actual answer will probably be vastly different from the one you are expecting, so then again say to yourself, “Why is this important to me”? How would you feel if she asked you the same question? Would you be honest?

In relationships, yes, many questions should be asked, and truthful answers need to be given. When talking about intimacy and sexual health, it should be an open forum for a conversation between two people. When talking about past sexual relationships that is usually a tricky grey area. It would help to keep the questions relevant, don’t assume the answer will make you feel good about yourself. The answer may be shocking. It may hurt.  Expect the truth. If the truth scares you, then next time be careful about the questions you ask. The best relationships start with honesty and an open mind. Everyone has a past, but new relationships work best when they are focused on the present, and plans are made for the future.

Have you ever been asked a question when starting a brand new relationship that you just really did not want to answer?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

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Friendzone: Is it really as bad as it sounds?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Friend zone, Friends, Life, Love, Relocation, single girl2 Comments
Honolulu from Diamond Head.
Image via Wikipedia

Quick life update: In 2012 I have returned to dating.

One thing Hawaii is not lacking is available men to date. Now as for high quality available men,  that is a different story. This is one situation where quantity is not better than quality. However I must deal with it, roll with the punches, and perhaps one day a true high quality man will enter into my existence. As for now, well back to the dating scene.

Dating is a tricky situation at times. I am obviously not going to have a connection with everyone I date. However, sometimes even if there is no possible chance of having a love connection, I would like to think that I can at least make a new friend from the situation. Can men and women ever just be friends, or does that notion leave universal existence after we graduate from elementary school?

I hear it a lot from my male friends that no guy ever wants to be friendzoned. Yet, I have met many of my male friends in my adult life, and we have successfully managed to have a platonic relationship up until this point (well with most of them at least). Men usually tell me that no girl is really just a friend, they are just waiting for that  one opportunity to hook up. They sit back and wait patiently,  play the friendship role, but if the opportunity is there to cross the line, then they are ready to jump. It becomes hard to have friends of the opposite sex if all they are waiting for is that one lonely moment where you will hook up.

Well I learned that lesson this past weekend. During one of my past adventures in the world of online dating , I met a man who I knew we would not work in a relationship, however he would better fit in my life as a friend. We hung out a few times, and never hooked up.  There were no hidden messages as we were truly just friends. Or so I thought. See,  I am as transparent as possible when it comes to dating, so I informed him that we will only be friends and I’ll show him fun things around the island.  I am always ready to make a new friend, and he agreed to the situation that presented itself at the start of our friendship.  Over the next few weeks, we went out sparingly and he would tell me about females that he was dating, I gave him relationship advice. I had no problem with that, that’s what friends do, discuss everything including relationships right? I was under the impression that we would just continue to be friends, apparently he was under the impression that we would eventually have more than friendship. What went wrong here?

On New Year’s Eve we went to a party in Honolulu. As he began to drink the questions started to come out. The questions, such as why was I single? I answered as honestly as possible. “Since I am dating for a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, I have high standards for the men I date. I know what type of man I want, and I just have not met him yet. ” He was offended by that response. To me it was nothing against him, it was the truth. Apparently he felt like he was not good enough for me. He was only good enough to be in the friendzone.

I made a horrible attempt to explain to him that I want and need a man in my life who is stable, secure in life, strong in his career. Someone who already has the basics of what he wants, and is now working on ways to move forward. Someone who has accomplished goals, and has the determination to keep going. Not to say to him that he won’t be that man, however he is not there right now. He is just not the right man for me. He is a friend.

When I put him in the friendzone, I left him to question his own inadequacy in relationships.  I may have tested his manhood. I made him question why he was not good enough. Though that was not my intention, those were the results. I felt guilty. I will take the blame, because perhaps I did lead him on by allowing him to enter my life as a friend knowing I would never want anything more. What happens next is up to him. I will still be a friend if he is willing to remain in that zone. If he wants to end communication with me, then I will understand that also. Adult life is so much more complicated than elementary school. Is it ever possible for men and women to just remain in the friendzone?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!

What type of dater are you??

On By Jenni C.In dating, Hawaii, Love, men, single girl3 Comments

During a conversation with a man I recently met, he asked me if I was staying in Hawaii forever. My answer was, “I have no idea how long I will be in Hawaii”.  I asked, “why?” He responded with because he, “wasn’t dating to find a girlfriend, he was dating to find a wife”. I thought that was very interesting, dating to find a wife. Well if you want to be married one day, shouldn’t the purpose of dating always be to find a wife or husband? Or, is it something else completely different? If you are single then you’re probably dating to find a companion, but what happens when the person you are dating has a completely different definition of dating than the definition you have in your mind?

To be on the single scene in Honolulu is a unique experience, and I can highly doubt that it is comparable to dating in any other city in the United States. Honolulu in a fly in city, meaning you fly in, stay a while, and end up leaving somewhere down the line. Next destination probably undetermined.  If you are not local, or have not lived in Honolulu the majority of your life, then you may consider yourself as a tourist-the extended version.

Many of the people who I have met who have landed in Honolulu for whatever reason, such as work, the military, or just wanting to live on an island, usually return back to the mainland at some point. Hence, dating in Honolulu can be a difficult experience. You have to think to yourself and decide am “I dating for the right now?” Or “Am I dating to find someone who will be a permanent fixture in my future?” Knowing that will probably determine if you will settle down on Oahu or, if you will find yourself settling down back on the mainland.  Once you figure out your own reason for playing the dating game, make sure your dating mate also shares that reason with you. If you have two different definitions of dating, you can find yourself dating for disaster.

Quick guide to commonly used definitions of dating

·         The sexual dater– This type of dater dates to have a sexual relationship. Yes sex may be easy to come by, but they prefer a one consistent sexual partner. No relationship strings attached, just sex, and a few dinners or movies here and there to keep the sex partner happy.

·         The right now dater– This type of dater dates for right now. They are 100% present focused. This dater may have plans to move away in a few months or in a year, but right now they are dating, or may be in a relationship and choose to think about the rest later. If they move away, yeah the relationship will probably end (or you can move too!)

·         The relationshipper– This type of dater always dates for a relationship. They go from relationship to relationship very quickly. You might know them as the serial monogamist. They find their prey, latch on, and poof! They are in a relationship. However, the relationships never seem to last that long. They often get bored (on to the next one) or, they after spending more time with a person, they finally realize that they were never meant to be in that relationship in the first place.

·         The dinner dater– This type of dater likes to go on date for the free dinners (ok I am mainly talking about girls on this one). She can plan to go out with five different men in one week to five different restaurants, and have five different free meals. The rational; why go grocery shopping with I can just go out on a date!

·         The non-exclusive dater– This type of dater will date many people at one time to avoid being exclusive with just one person. They may admit that they are dating other people, and want to “test out” a variety of people before just settling for one. They choose not to put all their eggs in one basket, so they don’t end up giving an overly excessive amount of attention to just one person. This type of dater may appear to have commitment issues, or have been badly hurt in a past relationship. Handle with care.

·         The traditional dater– This type of dater will date to find a monogamous relationship. They will take the dating process slow, not rushing into an exclusive relationship too quickly. They are sure to analyze the situation of the relationship before deciding if they want to settle down and be in a relationship.

·         The dating for marriage dater– This type of dater wants to get married and they are dating for that reason. They are ready to take themselves out of the dating game and are looking for a partner who wants the same. They know what they want and they are not afraid to say it. They are in search of a viable partner who they will be able to spend the rest of their life with. This dater offers a strong sense of compassion, but may be overly compassionate. If the person they are dating, does not share the same definition of dating then this dater may be seen as overbearing, smothering, or rushing the relationship.

So what type of dater are you? Does that match up with the person you are currently dating?

 

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!

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