Category: Family

Conversations With God

On By Jenni C.In Family, Fears, Finding meaning, Life, random, relationships, Religion, Relocation, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

  One day a few weeks ago I was feeling really lonely. Not lonely because I missed anyone, and it wasn’t a literal type of lonely. I was just lonely on the inside. A sudden emptiness that overcame my sense of presence. I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling so empty inside. I wanted to just be in a different place but I did not know how to get there. Through the feelings of emptiness came a cloud of sadness. It wasn’t a new feeling, I had been in that space before so I wasn’t alarmed. The re occurrence of that  feeling was an eye opener for me, I knew what I needed to do to get out of it, it was time for a much-needed conversation with God.

Every so often I may start to miss my family and friends on the east coast. Sometimes I just miss being around people who have known me for a long time, and even know what I am thinking without even saying a word. My longtime friends know when my smiles are forced, and can tell by the sound of my voice when I am feeling troubled. I must say that those are the times that I actually will not talk to them,  since I live close to 5000 miles away, I can hide my feelings by not picking up the phone. However, I do try to speak with my mom at least once a week, usually on Sunday, and every Sunday I get the same question; “Did you go to church today”. Honestly most Sundays the answer is no. The no is not even because I choose sleep over church.  I wake up extra early on Sunday’s to make it to the gym for my weekly spin class. The excuse is really after the gym I come home, eat, and relax from my morning workout. The truth is, in reality I am avoiding God. I am avoiding a much-needed, overdue conversation between me and God.

When the lonely feeling came back, I knew it because it hit me in the gut. (I wonder if that is God punching me in the stomach)  Yet, I knew exactly what I needed to do to remedy the situation. I no longer let that lonely feeling overwhelm me with depressive thoughts because I understand where it comes from.  It frequently happens when I stop listening to God, and start listening to myself.

During  one conversation with my mom she told me, “you need to go back to church”. I guess she picked up on my monotone voice as if something was bothering me.  Her tone was like any caring mother, one of not really telling me, but still telling me what she expected me to do. So, I listened. That Sunday I went to church and decided to come face to face with God.

I must admit my spirituality is somewhat of a lifelong struggle. I am a Christian. However, I could use a lot of work on my relationship with God. I go to church and sit. Yes, I am a church sitter. I like to go listen to the sermon, and then go home. Not the most Christian like thing to do, so that is one of the areas that I have told God I will work on. I am at times conflicted about what to believe in the bible, mainly because the bible was written by man, more precisely A MAN. I still and will always believe in God, I trust in faith, but when it comes to the bible…well lets just say that I still have some questions.

That Sunday while I was in church I decided I was ready to have my conversation with God. Truthfully, I was not really sure what that conversation would look like. Was God like my own personal therapist, does he just sit and listen while I talk? Or, does God answer back with sound words of advice?  God already knows everything that is going on in my life so I don’t have to explain the whole background story, maybe he does all the talking and I just listen. In my head are images of me and God sitting on a comfy couch having a conversation.  I talk, and he is giving a gentle smirk to all out laughter because he sees my life as a daily comedy show.  Sometimes, I know God is sitting back and laughing,  inside I am laughing right along with him. I feel like God and I are old friends, we could talk for hours, he would tell me everything I need to know about life. When we talk I know that everything will be alright. God is always able to make everything alright.

In church, I talked to God.  I listened to God’s response. In the car on my way home I continued the conversation, and when I got home the conversation just kept going. I realized I don’t need to hide from God, HE already knows what I want to say and, what I need to say.  Every so often,  I  get confused if it is God I am listening to or just my voice in my own head. When that I happens I know I need to slow down and listen harder. God knows. God knows all.

Lately, I have met a few men who have started conversations with me  before and after church, we have even exchanged numbers. Oddly enough I know God is waiting for me to have that conversation with him. I will talk, and he will sit back and smile.  I can just see that Godly smirk right now, the smirk of inner peace saying that everything is going to be alright.



Home For The Holidays

On By Jenni C.In Christmas, Family, Holidays, New York, RelocationLeave a comment

I decided to return home to New York for Christmas. Well the actual story is one of my friends had a wedding in Cancun,  since I was travelling off island, I figured why not take some time out and head to the east coast. Originally I thought it was a good idea, friends, family, and holidays, of course that would be great! However, once I got a real good feel of the east coast winter cold I suddenly started to rethink that idea. Well it was only for a second, to spend time with my closet friends and family was well worth me putting on a few extra layers. To see the people who know me best, while spending time sharing extra special memories are moments that can never be replaced.

During the last week of my east coast travels I ended up back in New York. The place where my journey began two years ago before moving to the other side of the world. And let me tell you, every time I return the city is exactly as I remembered it. I feel as if I never left.  My favorite places are still the same, the subway still provides a daily dose of NYC entertainment, and Christmas in the city will always be my most loved NY moment. Even though the temperature is frigid, Christmas in New York will always give me the true feeling of the Holiday season.  I still love Honolulu but, 80 degree sunny days, great surf, and warm summer-like nights, just doesn’t say Christmas as much as ice skating, snow flurries, and the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. 

Last year I spent Christmas in Honolulu with newly made friends, this year I spent Christmas in NY with family. While spending time with family it suddenly hit me that the meaning of Christmas changes greatly as an adult. I am not sure when that shift happens, all I know is now the feeling is different, more mature. I remember times as a child waiting with my older brother for Santa to come bring us our gifts on Christmas Eve. We would sit excitedly by the window of our room looking out and thinking that every moving star in the sky was Santa with his reindeer. He was own his way to our house with the gifts we wanted so very much. It brought great joy to wake up early to open our new toys (that we already knew we were going to get) and finally have the opportunity to play with them. My parents put all of their energy into making sure we were happy on Christmas morning, leaving no room for disappointment.

As an adult, there are no more naive thoughts of Santa, no more waking up early to rush to play with our new toys. As an adult the tone is serious yet loving. Happy not for what we receive, but happy for the time that we get to spend with each other. As an adult I have come to realize that as we all get older in age the time, and memories that we all spend with each other is limited. As a family we should enjoy each moment that we spend together. Tangible objects no longer provide the happiness but, time and being near family during the holiday season is the present that we all want, and that brings the happiness.

As an adult, time becomes of the utmost importance. Last year right before Thanksgiving my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. My mom was frantic because in the early stages of his diagnosis doctors were not certain as to how serious the cancer actually was. In March of this year another tumor was found in his brain. The cancer had spread. Fortunately after surgery, months of chemotherapy, radiation treatment, and continuous medications the cancer now appears to be in remission. However, the toll that this illness has taken on my dad is noticeable. From speech impairments to the limited movements, the superman dad that I knew as a child on Christmas, the dad who would stay up late to assemble my toys is no longer around.  As an adult, life becomes a little more serious, and Christmas with family becomes a lot more meaningful. I don’t know what the future will bring for my dad, or for my family, the present is most important. However, I do know having the opportunity to  again spend Christmas in New York with my family is one that will leave an everlasting memory that will forever define the way I feel about Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!!!!