Friendzone: Is it really as bad as it sounds?

Honolulu from Diamond Head.
Image via Wikipedia

Quick life update: In 2012 I have returned to dating.

One thing Hawaii is not lacking is available men to date. Now as for high quality available men,  that is a different story. This is one situation where quantity is not better than quality. However I must deal with it, roll with the punches, and perhaps one day a true high quality man will enter into my existence. As for now, well back to the dating scene.

Dating is a tricky situation at times. I am obviously not going to have a connection with everyone I date. However, sometimes even if there is no possible chance of having a love connection, I would like to think that I can at least make a new friend from the situation. Can men and women ever just be friends, or does that notion leave universal existence after we graduate from elementary school?

I hear it a lot from my male friends that no guy ever wants to be friendzoned. Yet, I have met many of my male friends in my adult life, and we have successfully managed to have a platonic relationship up until this point (well with most of them at least). Men usually tell me that no girl is really just a friend, they are just waiting for that  one opportunity to hook up. They sit back and wait patiently,  play the friendship role, but if the opportunity is there to cross the line, then they are ready to jump. It becomes hard to have friends of the opposite sex if all they are waiting for is that one lonely moment where you will hook up.

Well I learned that lesson this past weekend. During one of my past adventures in the world of online dating , I met a man who I knew we would not work in a relationship, however he would better fit in my life as a friend. We hung out a few times, and never hooked up.  There were no hidden messages as we were truly just friends. Or so I thought. See,  I am as transparent as possible when it comes to dating, so I informed him that we will only be friends and I’ll show him fun things around the island.  I am always ready to make a new friend, and he agreed to the situation that presented itself at the start of our friendship.  Over the next few weeks, we went out sparingly and he would tell me about females that he was dating, I gave him relationship advice. I had no problem with that, that’s what friends do, discuss everything including relationships right? I was under the impression that we would just continue to be friends, apparently he was under the impression that we would eventually have more than friendship. What went wrong here?

On New Year’s Eve we went to a party in Honolulu. As he began to drink the questions started to come out. The questions, such as why was I single? I answered as honestly as possible. “Since I am dating for a relationship that will eventually lead to marriage, I have high standards for the men I date. I know what type of man I want, and I just have not met him yet. ” He was offended by that response. To me it was nothing against him, it was the truth. Apparently he felt like he was not good enough for me. He was only good enough to be in the friendzone.

I made a horrible attempt to explain to him that I want and need a man in my life who is stable, secure in life, strong in his career. Someone who already has the basics of what he wants, and is now working on ways to move forward. Someone who has accomplished goals, and has the determination to keep going. Not to say to him that he won’t be that man, however he is not there right now. He is just not the right man for me. He is a friend.

When I put him in the friendzone, I left him to question his own inadequacy in relationships.  I may have tested his manhood. I made him question why he was not good enough. Though that was not my intention, those were the results. I felt guilty. I will take the blame, because perhaps I did lead him on by allowing him to enter my life as a friend knowing I would never want anything more. What happens next is up to him. I will still be a friend if he is willing to remain in that zone. If he wants to end communication with me, then I will understand that also. Adult life is so much more complicated than elementary school. Is it ever possible for men and women to just remain in the friendzone?

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!

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What type of dater are you??

During a conversation with a man I recently met, he asked me if I was staying in Hawaii forever. My answer was, “I have no idea how long I will be in Hawaii”.  I asked, “why?” He responded with because he, “wasn’t dating to find a girlfriend, he was dating to find a wife”. I thought that was very interesting, dating to find a wife. Well if you want to be married one day, shouldn’t the purpose of dating always be to find a wife or husband? Or, is it something else completely different? If you are single then you’re probably dating to find a companion, but what happens when the person you are dating has a completely different definition of dating than the definition you have in your mind?

To be on the single scene in Honolulu is a unique experience, and I can highly doubt that it is comparable to dating in any other city in the United States. Honolulu in a fly in city, meaning you fly in, stay a while, and end up leaving somewhere down the line. Next destination probably undetermined.  If you are not local, or have not lived in Honolulu the majority of your life, then you may consider yourself as a tourist-the extended version.

Many of the people who I have met who have landed in Honolulu for whatever reason, such as work, the military, or just wanting to live on an island, usually return back to the mainland at some point. Hence, dating in Honolulu can be a difficult experience. You have to think to yourself and decide am “I dating for the right now?” Or “Am I dating to find someone who will be a permanent fixture in my future?” Knowing that will probably determine if you will settle down on Oahu or, if you will find yourself settling down back on the mainland.  Once you figure out your own reason for playing the dating game, make sure your dating mate also shares that reason with you. If you have two different definitions of dating, you can find yourself dating for disaster.

Quick guide to commonly used definitions of dating

·         The sexual dater– This type of dater dates to have a sexual relationship. Yes sex may be easy to come by, but they prefer a one consistent sexual partner. No relationship strings attached, just sex, and a few dinners or movies here and there to keep the sex partner happy.

·         The right now dater– This type of dater dates for right now. They are 100% present focused. This dater may have plans to move away in a few months or in a year, but right now they are dating, or may be in a relationship and choose to think about the rest later. If they move away, yeah the relationship will probably end (or you can move too!)

·         The relationshipper– This type of dater always dates for a relationship. They go from relationship to relationship very quickly. You might know them as the serial monogamist. They find their prey, latch on, and poof! They are in a relationship. However, the relationships never seem to last that long. They often get bored (on to the next one) or, they after spending more time with a person, they finally realize that they were never meant to be in that relationship in the first place.

·         The dinner dater– This type of dater likes to go on date for the free dinners (ok I am mainly talking about girls on this one). She can plan to go out with five different men in one week to five different restaurants, and have five different free meals. The rational; why go grocery shopping with I can just go out on a date!

·         The non-exclusive dater– This type of dater will date many people at one time to avoid being exclusive with just one person. They may admit that they are dating other people, and want to “test out” a variety of people before just settling for one. They choose not to put all their eggs in one basket, so they don’t end up giving an overly excessive amount of attention to just one person. This type of dater may appear to have commitment issues, or have been badly hurt in a past relationship. Handle with care.

·         The traditional dater– This type of dater will date to find a monogamous relationship. They will take the dating process slow, not rushing into an exclusive relationship too quickly. They are sure to analyze the situation of the relationship before deciding if they want to settle down and be in a relationship.

·         The dating for marriage dater– This type of dater wants to get married and they are dating for that reason. They are ready to take themselves out of the dating game and are looking for a partner who wants the same. They know what they want and they are not afraid to say it. They are in search of a viable partner who they will be able to spend the rest of their life with. This dater offers a strong sense of compassion, but may be overly compassionate. If the person they are dating, does not share the same definition of dating then this dater may be seen as overbearing, smothering, or rushing the relationship.

So what type of dater are you? Does that match up with the person you are currently dating?

 

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences!

I’m ready to run a marathon! Well maybe one day I will be ready

Scene from Honolulu Marathon
Image by El Hombre via Flickr

Yesterday was the Honolulu marathon. Did I run? Nope. Things I know about myself: long distance running is not for me, and I would not be too happy with marathon blisters on my feet. However, with all the pre marathon excitement and anticipation I almost had a small inkling of a desire to actually go for a 26.2 mile run. But yeah, that just did not happen.

When I was living in New York every first Sunday of November,  I would watch the New York City marathon on television and always think to myself, next year I am going to run in that marathon. It looks fun rather from afar. All the people, the crowds cheering, running through the city borough by borough. I would say to myself “oh what fun, I can’t wait to do that next year”.  Then the following day would come, and of course I would forget all about it.

When I lived in New York I wasn’t really a runner. It was cold outside for half the year, so I wouldn’t dare run outside, and getting on a treadmill excessively was a bore after a while. So needless to say, running was not a high priority activity for me.  Running an entire 26.2 in one day would be something that I would continue to only dream about.

Since I have been in Honolulu I have been running on a more consistent basis. Honestly, I have no excuse not to run. The weather is perfect, there are plenty of areas to go running, and everyone is doing it (as they say when in Rome, do as the Romans do). I have become actually pretty good at running, not great, but a far better runner than my New York self. I can run miles now, and when I completed the Great Aloha Run, I realized that I could actually run 8  full miles. Now if only I could add on 18.2 miles to that then I would be prepared to complete a marathon.

It amazes me that I am 29 and finally in the best athletic shape of my life, I wonder where all this energy to stay in shape was when I was 16. But oh well, better now than never. My hope is to be in even better shape at 30, and maybe next year the thought of doing a marathon in either New York or Honolulu can go from being a distant pipe dream to an actual reality! And why not, I already know that I have some athletic capability. If I keep going I will be able to have the endurance to go longer, stronger, harder, faster, and suddenly hit that 26.2 mile wall, which I must say will make my inner 16-year-old self very proud.

I am not the best runner. I get bored with running. I never get that runner’s high that so many people talk about. When I run I don’t stop because I am tired, or my legs are giving out, I stop because my mind has taken over and hit the territory of boredom.  How do I get over that? I know running is mostly mental, I need to keep my mind on track so I can go for that long distance run.

Any good ideas on how to get to the land of runner’s high so I could just zone out and run?

English: Marathon de New-York : Verrazano Bridge
Image via Wikipedia

Positive thoughts, positive energy, positive experiences

From Wall Street to Honolulu, pick a city, any city and occupy it

APEC is coming to Honolulu next week. Let the protests begin! (If you don’t know what APEC is don’t worry, I didn’t know either until I went to the website)

The occupy movement which started on wall street, eventually has made its way to Honolulu. It is interesting to hear that there is an actual  occupy Honolulu movement. Protests in paradise, just doesn’t have the same feel as a New York protest. If I was in New York I may head down to wall street to witness this aspect of American History. In Honolulu, I am headed past the protest, straight to the beach. Honolulu is known for its tourism, it is a vacation destination. People usually don’t go on vacation to join a protest (at least I don’t think so). If you happen to live in Honolulu, you live with Aloha, and you still are unlikely to join a protest.

Needless to say, the Occupy Honolulu,  Hilo, or Maui movements, will never get as much coverage as occupying Wall Street, or DC.  Because Honolulu is so far away from the mainland, it can be difficult at times to connect to the issues of the nation. With a large amount of ocean water, and a 6 hour time difference from the east coast, the mainland can feel like another country some days.

If anyone truly sees all of Hawaii, you will see that much of Hawaii is filled with the 99%. It would be surprising if anyone in the 1% actually lives on one of the Hawaiian islands, my feeling is that they just come here as a lavish vacation destination.

Wall Street New York
Image by Mathew Knott via Flickr

The occupy Wall Street movement was started on a good basis. To bad the basis hasn’t yet reached a  consensus. With everyone having a different reason to occupy any city, the 99% actually looks like a joke to the top 1%.  The top 1% should earn money, you work hard earn money. But don’t expect bailouts and government handouts. The inequality in taxes is disturbing. There are truly reasons to protest.  But are the protest being heard? Is anything really going to change from these protest or will the movement become yesterday’s news? New York winters are harsh so I don’t expect the Wall Street protesters to be out there much longer. Sleeping in tents in the winter will never sound like much fun. Maybe some of them can come to Honolulu for the winter, and occupy the streets of paradise. With more people, the occupy Honolulu movement may get some positive attention. Without the people, it is a sad picture of a movement.

Honolulu International Airport
Image via Wikipedia

With APEC starting, I’m sure more people will be out for the protest. I still am not sure what they are protesting, but I will let you know when I find out. Let’s start making signs, and put Honolulu on the map. We are more than just a vacation destination. Honolulu is also a city that is down to fight for the cause.

Is this what it was like in the 1970’s?

Positive energy, positive thoughts, positive experiences