Category: Fears

My Mr. Nice Guy

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, men, Moving, Paradise, random, relationships, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I think I may have met someone. Yeah someone who has boyfriend potential. Checking his stats he has boyfriend potential, and so far, so good, so he may be the one. Or least the one who can hang around the longest for right now. Going down my check list he meets most of the qualifications to pass through to the next level of building a deeper relationship. He has a college degree, he can talk in complete sentences (don’t ask, but yeah that seems to be a missing trait in men), he is very outgoing, down to try anything new, is in to living life, and he is cute. He is an all around wholesome nice guy.

Uh oh!!!! I said it! He is a NICE GUY. Ok ladies now let’s admit it, we are secretly attracted to the bad boy. The bad boy has a certain I don’t give a fuck attitude about him that makes us want him. The bad boy who is no good for you,  the guy that makes you wonder why he doesn’t call you back, or why he is not giving you attention all the time. When he does give us attention it comes in little spurts, but we eat it up, and want more. The bad boys are the ones who get the girls. Sometimes they are sweethearts, other times they are complete jerks. But they find a balance in their attitude that leaves girls wanting more. The bad boy can be broke with no job, and find a woman to let him live on her couch. He has game, and also has two, three, or more chicks all at the same time. People ask me what type of guy I like, my response, the cute jerk! I don’t like the extreme bad boy because I personally find his sense of arrogance annoying, but I like the slight bad boy. He is nice at times, jerky at other times, but he is so damn cute which in my mind cancels out his annoying pompous cocky attitude. I know he will protect me when needed, and his swag is so on point that he has every other girl wanting him too (which sucks!!!). But that is my cute jerk.

So as I get older, lets try something new. The Nice guy, the guy I would normally shoot right to the friend zone. My new nice guy is a sweetheart, really a sweetheart. He doesn’t do extreme chivalry but that’s ok because I don’t like that anyway. But he does the little things. Such as, wanting to hold my hand when we walk down the block, or walk on the beach and just talk. He refuses to let me see him as a friend so for now he says we are companions.

The problem: He is in the military and is going to be deployed for six months. I feel like I am holding back, and can’t get too attached to him because, I know soon he will be gone and I will miss him. I don’t want to miss anyone. I am so over missing people. I missed my ex boyfriend for so long, now that I am done with that, I am just not in the mood to miss anyone else. I want someone who is here. Who is with me, and who is not going to leave. So although I can see myself really falling for Mr. nice guy, now is not the time. It seems like for me, timing is always wrong, and I just patiently wait for timing to be right. Wait and wait for that day when it is the right place, the right moment, the right time.

Mr. nice guy is in the Marines.  Now my personal opinion, don’t date military men. They have a certain element of crazy about them. But he doesn’t come off as crazy, or at least I haven’t seen his side of crazy. He talks to me, he communicates well, we laugh together, and we can enjoy each other’s company. For Valentine’s day he took me to see Brian McKnight, it was wonderful!  A magical moment that would make two people fall in love. Ok I did not fall in love with Mr. nice guy just yet, but it did make me appreciate his company more. I have a sense of comfort when I am around him that I haven’t had in a long time, and it’s just nice to relax in his presence. He thinks I am beautiful no matter what I look like, and he is impressed by me just being myself. Wow what a breath of fresh air!

So hopefully all will continue to go well with my newly found nice guy, and I will keep you updated on our progress. Maybe his six month deployment won’t be so bad and we can start a real relationship. We will see with time, but hey if all goes well maybe I will be willing to give up my single girl lifestyle for an even better relationship lifestyle!

Want to meet new people?

On By Jenni C.In dating, Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, Travel, Uncategorized, VacationLeave a comment

In case you ever wanted to move to a new place, on the other side of the world, but fear that you won’t know anyone and be all alone, here are some tips for you to meet people. No matter where you decide to live or visit in the world there are always people around. So there will always be someone for you to talk to and new friends to be made. Don’t be shy. People don’t know you, so they have no expectations of you. Everyday is a new chance to make a first impression all over again. So I advise you to take it and run with it. Bring out your inner extrovert and enjoy life with the people who are around you. I have learned that people come from so many different places in life, and with each new person brings a whole new experience!

I think the greatest website to get out and meet new people is meetup.com. Meet up groups are a great way to find activities that you like, and also meet people who like to do those same activities as you. In Hawaii there are so many different types of meet up groups. My personal favorites are the ones for hiking, fitness, and project singles. These groups give me the chance to see so much of the island and meet really cool people while doing it.

The island of Oahu is filled with so many exciting activities, so since I came here without knowing anyone, I had to find a way to meet people do explore the island with me. And it has truly been an amazing experience. I have been hiking on so many trails that I would never have the opportunity to see as a tourist. I have climbed to the top of summits that overlook entire sides of the island, and I must add that the view is spectacular.  Through meet up I have been able to find groups who work out on the beach, and beach body coaches who help me to continue to reach my fitness goals. Yup, I have to keep my body in shape since its summer year round. 

Project singles gives me a way to meet other single professionals as myself, and even if I am not attracted to any of the males in the group there is always a cool activity to have a good time at. Meet up groups are great for meeting like minded people, people who are open to culture, to experience, and they are filled with a wealth of knowledge. Many of the people I have met have traveled to many places in the world, and have done great things in their lives. So why not give it try, it never hurts to go out and make a new friend!

1 year already!!!!

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self DiscoveryLeave a comment

Its funny how life just keep changes and you never know where you will end up, or what is going to happen next. Life just happens, we can make plans sure, but there it is not certain that our plans will work. Life happens when it wants, on its own terms. If you are a believer in God, which I am, I will say God says when life happens. God makes his plans for us, and it works, it always works. We may have our own plans, but God’s plans will always prevail.  So life, is funny, uncertain, forever changing, and full of surprises, but it always happens.

So it has been one year since I have been in Hawaii, and it is a part of my life that I could not have planned for, did not predict, and truly did not expect. But it happened, and it worked. The years go by so fast, and I feel like it was just yesterday that I got off the plane and landed at the Honolulu airport. I still remember the morning I left New York it was 13 degrees, and freezing cold. I cried on the plane at the thought of the boy and friends  I was leaving behind, and just slept until I landed in LAX to switch planes.  In Honolulu it was 80 degrees and I spent my first night alone in a Waikiki hotel. Not feeling scared, but feeling ready for change and empowered to finally be in control of my life!

The last year has been forever changing, its been full of life, full of breath, its been NEW!! And for me it has been great! I will admit yes I have had bad days, I have felt times of uncertainty, the creeping of loneliness, wanting to hug my mommy, wanting to laugh with my best friends, and yes even wanting to argue with my little sister.  But for each passing bad moment, I remember that God gave me the opportunity to live my own life. To feel like I have a purpose, and to feel like I am strong enough to keep going because I will have an abundance of good days ahead.

So as today marks the one year mark of my Hawaiian adventure, I still feel strong, I feel whole, I feel like whatever challenge life has for me, I will be able to conquer it. I feel like I know myself better than I ever have before, and I love who I am! I am what makes me special, and having the chance to live life makes me more ready to see whats next!

When will I leave Hawaii, ummm not really too sure about that yet. But for right now I will continue to enjoy the beauty and culture of islands, enjoy the people, and have fun each day, living my life with no regrets!!!!

Can I please live as a Beach Bum??????

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, New York, Paradise, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Travel, UncategorizedLeave a comment

I have a confession to make: I must admit, secretly I want to be a beach bum. A good old fashioned beach bum, I do not feel like doing  a damn thing. I want to be able to be on a 24/7 relaxation high. I want to fit into the culture of Hawaii, surfing at the beach, cruising around the island, sitting back and drinking a beer, and listening to the Jawaiian music (yeah Jamaican regaee + Hawaiian regaee= Jawaiian).  I want to feel like that is all life is about, no worries, no stress, I can just stay here and forget that the mainland exist. Forget that I have a passion to get the most out of life, forget that I have drive to sit at the head of the table and run the meeting, forget that I want to be known for my accomplishments, and forget that I strive to be better than I was the day before. Yeah I just want to forget all of that and just be a beach bum.

I can’t seem to kick that damn NY edge. You know the NY EDGE! That faced paced, go getter, step on anyone’s toes attitude. The feeling of always needing to be on that upward climb, because if your not climbing up, your gonna get stepped on and slapped down by that person who was below you. In NY people are on the move all of the time! And boy are they moving fast! Everyone has a hustle, and that hustle better be on point! People are rarely sleeping, and if you are feeling stressed, at least you know that you are still alive. Yeah I still have that damn NY edge in me! And that edge makes me stand out here in Hawaii. Man, I just want to be a beach bum!!!

At work co-workers used to say, why do you work so hard, your making us look bad. Are you kidding me? Work hard? We never had to show up and just hand in some papers! Usually if someone at work has a request, I have been trained all too well to get it done as soon as possible. In NY if it wasn’t done you start to get what I like to call hate emails, then you can’t sleep when you get home due to anxious, over obsessive thoughts of getting fired. In Hawaii, its ok, do it whenever you get a chance, even if it is a week later and you had to be asked 3-4 times, its ok.

Another person who was a potential dating prospect asked, “Why do you have so much ambition”? WHATTTTT? Are you kidding me? Why have ambition? Why not? I have been trained oh so well by my NY lifestyle that without ambition, where are you going in life? Life is no fun standing still as an observer, it will just keep moving while you are watching. But hey maybe that is only in NY!! So after that question, needless to say homeboy was no longer a dating prospect. He did not understand the necessity of ambition in life. However if I am a beach bum I will not need that drive and ambition anymore right? I can just go to the beach and drink Mai tai’s. Since life moves slow in Hawaii anyway I won’t notice it passing me by, and I will fit right in. I just want to be a beach bum!!!

When I tell people outside of my work that I have my master’s degree from NYU, they look at me like I am on the same level as President Obama (no seriously), and men look like they have they just found a pot of gold. Eyes light up, and all of a sudden I become the most interesting girl they have ever met. It is a level of success that many people may not reach. However, when I was in NY I kept feeling like that wasn’t good enough. I needed to get better, strive for more, aim higher, and get that Ph.D. In the big city, I only had a very little amount of time to appreciate my accomplishments. With the next breath comes: What’s next? How do I top this? And how do I do better? In Hawaii it is good enough, and I will be a highly educated beach bum!!! I will be married to a local in no time!!!

Someday’s the feeling is, what’s the point? Why do I need to strive for more, and keep pushing to get to that next level when I am perfectly fine right here? The end result of life is all the same. We die. So who is really going to care at the end if I died as a beach bum, or a well renowned professional Psychologist who improved the behaviors of at risk youth? Does it even matter? Not really sure, I guess it is where my sense of  happiness comes from is what really counts. So will I really be happy as a beach bum? Probably not! I was raised with that NY drive. To have the go getter, do better, attitude seems innate. It is a part of my life, and just because I decided to leave the big city, my NY self came right along with me. But oh really, some days I just want to say forget this doing better, I am hitting the beach and becoming a bum!

In recent conversations with a friend I told him that I wanted to be a beach bum. His response: that is not an option. What!!! Why don’t I get that option? It seems like everyone else on this island gets that option, and they are having a great, carefree time!  I guess I do have the option. Hey no one is stopping me, and no one will come grab me up, and put me on a plane back to the mainland.  But anyone who really knows me would say, that me as a beach bum would be a waste of really great potential. I really do have the ability to do big things in life! (no really I do!!).

So that settles it, I won’t be a beach bum, I’ll just live the life of a couple days out of the month to taste it, and then I will let the NY in me come out and do its own thing to achieve greater success!!!

Facing Fears

On By Jenni C.In Fears, Finding meaning, Hawaii, Life, Moving, random, Relocation, Self Discovery, self help, single girl, Uncategorized1 Comment

-“Fear is like a disease, if you don’t treat it, it will eat you up”

People always tell me that I am so brave since I just picked up and moved to Hawaii. They like to say “wow you didn’t know anyone, no friends, no family” and my response is always “nope”. I figure where there are people, someone will eventually become my friend. I may be a bit shy at times, but I am in no way anti social (sometimes I find myself running off at the mouth a bit too much!!!) So I was never worried about making friends, and eventually if your friends are close enough to you, they become like family. So I felt like if that was all I needed to live somewhere then, hey I was all set, and all my bases were covered. Moving to a new place was never a fear of mine, being bored and alone does not scare me either, I am pretty comfortable with me, and by the way, I am great company! It’s those past fears that continue to scare me, the same fears that I have had in NY, the same things that make me worry and stay up all night. Apparently for those fears there is no escaping from, and the more I try to forget that I was once afraid of theses things, the more I feel like they have followed me. And now it is time to turn around, stare them down with the black girl stank attitude, and stand up to what has scared me for most of my life. The time has come, I will yell loud to the highest point of earth and say I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!!!

Well what is it that is scaring me so much? Let me give you some idea. To start I have always been afraid of the dark (yes I have been told by many people that there is nothing to be afraid of in the dark, and that is strange). But hey, darkness still scares me, espically when I am alone. I fear my not getting into a doctorate program ever in life, well its more like I am so afraid to ask people to write me a letter of recommendation. I wish I could just skip that part. I guess the fear is of a NO, so my fear is that I don’t like rejection! Yes I said it, rejection scares the crap out of me. I know “No’s” are a part of life, but i just like the word “Yes” so much better. So the thought of a professor telling me that NO, in their nice professor like way mind you, makes me too scared to ask, and to send a basic two line email. Yes how sad is that. I am afraid that my life won’t turn out the way I want it to, I fear not knowing next steps, not making right decisions, and not having answers to my own questions. My biggest fear since I could remember the feeling of being afraid is that my mother will end up dying. Now I know parents die, and as you get older you prepare yourself for that possibility, well not really prepare, but understand that death is a part of life. But I worry about my mother, worry that she is not taking care of herself, and that she won’t live to see me get married, or take care of my children. Yes I did say take care of my children! (well maybe on the weekends)!

I know for my fears are out of my control. So how do I face them? I don’t want them following me around anymore! I want to be done with them. I thought I would leave them in NY, but somehow they got in my suitcase, got on the plane with me and now live in Hawaii. Well I hope they have had their share of fun on this trip, because I am letting them go. Dropping them off, and kicking them into the middle of the ocean. I AM NOT AFRAID ANYMORE!!!! and  I decided a long time ago that I want to live, and now I want to live without fear. SO today is MY DAY, take back control of MY life, and just face the world as is, without being afraid. If I am really so brave as everyone says, I think its time for me to believe it. Enjoy the time that I have now with my friends, and family, and just live my life as is. Without worry about what will happen and focus on what is happening right now!

Before I came here a friend asked me what was I running from…my response to her was I am not running I am growing. I now realize I may have been running from everything that I was afraid of, hoping it would not find me ever again. But as I recognize the role the fears play in my life, and that I can be the sole person to overcome them, Yup I feel like am growing to a new level! One that cannot be matched by any fear that will try to take me down.