Relationship Non-Negotiables: What’s on your list?

Relationships poster

Recently I have been hearing a lot of buzz about having 5 Non- Negotiables while dating. Apparently both men and women should have at least 5 non-negotiables when looking for a mate to avoid settling for someone with particular characteristics that you would rather avoid.

Is that a good or bad idea? Well, I’ll let you be the judge of that.

These non-negotiables are the 5 things that you would not compromise in a relationship no matter who you meet or what happens around the circumstances of meeting that person. After taking some time out to think about it I can see why it is important to make a list of  at least 5 non-negotiables. With that out of the way you can set a bar for yourself, and establish a strong sense of personal integrity when it comes to dating because you will be certain not to stray from what is important to you first. With that you can rule out who you don’t want to date, and focus in on a particular individual who will complement your own personal lifestyle. Note: I said COMPLEMENT, NOT COMPLETE!

So after much thought (well not really, I already knew what I was not negotiating on) I have come up with my own 5 Non-Negotiables. To some readers,  my list may be a bit harsh, sorry for that. But, for me it is what I know I do not want in a man. To enjoy my own personal sense of happiness I have to be honest with that.

At one time I firmly believed in the theory of compromise. I figured if you wanted to have the right relationship, not perfect, but a relationship that works, then there would always be room for compromise, no matter the issue. If you met the person you wanted to be with then you would be willing to make compromises, and adjust to them right? Well apparently not. In relationships I can have up to 5 things that I just can’t stand for. And trust me it defiantly makes the rule out process a whole lot easier!

So here is my list of my 5 Non-Negotiables that I reference when dating.

1. Must have a job.

2. Must have a sense of humor, and outgoing personality.

3. Must be able to hold a decent conversation, and communicate well.

4. Must be a non-smoker, and non-drug user while I’m at it

5.  Must have ambition for life, and a plan for continuous future growth.

Now in thinking about what I would consider to be my 5 non-negotiables, I know myself well enough to know what I will not stand for in a relationship. Although I understand that people do change, I am not in the business of forcing change on anyone. I like to know what I am getting into upfront so I can walk away if I am not satisfied. So while dating, or if you are already in a relationship, be who you are, know what you want, and make sure you have a solid list on the 5 things that you know you will not stand for!

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Home For The Holidays

I decided to return home to New York for Christmas. Well the actual story is one of my friends had a wedding in Cancun,  since I was travelling off island, I figured why not take some time out and head to the east coast. Originally I thought it was a good idea, friends, family, and holidays, of course that would be great! However, once I got a real good feel of the east coast winter cold I suddenly started to rethink that idea. Well it was only for a second, to spend time with my closet friends and family was well worth me putting on a few extra layers. To see the people who know me best, while spending time sharing extra special memories are moments that can never be replaced.

During the last week of my east coast travels I ended up back in New York. The place where my journey began two years ago before moving to the other side of the world. And let me tell you, every time I return the city is exactly as I remembered it. I feel as if I never left.  My favorite places are still the same, the subway still provides a daily dose of NYC entertainment, and Christmas in the city will always be my most loved NY moment. Even though the temperature is frigid, Christmas in New York will always give me the true feeling of the Holiday season.  I still love Honolulu but, 80 degree sunny days, great surf, and warm summer-like nights, just doesn’t say Christmas as much as ice skating, snow flurries, and the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. 

Last year I spent Christmas in Honolulu with newly made friends, this year I spent Christmas in NY with family. While spending time with family it suddenly hit me that the meaning of Christmas changes greatly as an adult. I am not sure when that shift happens, all I know is now the feeling is different, more mature. I remember times as a child waiting with my older brother for Santa to come bring us our gifts on Christmas Eve. We would sit excitedly by the window of our room looking out and thinking that every moving star in the sky was Santa with his reindeer. He was own his way to our house with the gifts we wanted so very much. It brought great joy to wake up early to open our new toys (that we already knew we were going to get) and finally have the opportunity to play with them. My parents put all of their energy into making sure we were happy on Christmas morning, leaving no room for disappointment.

As an adult, there are no more naive thoughts of Santa, no more waking up early to rush to play with our new toys. As an adult the tone is serious yet loving. Happy not for what we receive, but happy for the time that we get to spend with each other. As an adult I have come to realize that as we all get older in age the time, and memories that we all spend with each other is limited. As a family we should enjoy each moment that we spend together. Tangible objects no longer provide the happiness but, time and being near family during the holiday season is the present that we all want, and that brings the happiness.

As an adult, time becomes of the utmost importance. Last year right before Thanksgiving my dad was diagnosed with lung cancer. My mom was frantic because in the early stages of his diagnosis doctors were not certain as to how serious the cancer actually was. In March of this year another tumor was found in his brain. The cancer had spread. Fortunately after surgery, months of chemotherapy, radiation treatment, and continuous medications the cancer now appears to be in remission. However, the toll that this illness has taken on my dad is noticeable. From speech impairments to the limited movements, the superman dad that I knew as a child on Christmas, the dad who would stay up late to assemble my toys is no longer around.  As an adult, life becomes a little more serious, and Christmas with family becomes a lot more meaningful. I don’t know what the future will bring for my dad, or for my family, the present is most important. However, I do know having the opportunity to  again spend Christmas in New York with my family is one that will leave an everlasting memory that will forever define the way I feel about Christmas.

Merry Christmas to all!!!!